Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Unconditional Love

Although this story didn't happen today and it didn't even happen yesterday, it happened on a day I least expected it so I thought it would be appropriate to label it under the "Daily Goodness" topic.  I'll have to give you a little bit of a history by starting in the past and ending in the "daily goodness."

When I was married to my kids' dad (I'll call him X), I always had little suspicions that he was cheating on me.  His phone would buzz at 2am and he would crawl quietly out of bed and head to the computer.  I'd go and check on him and immediately the sites on the monitor would be minimized and he'd give me the innocent look and tell me he was just looking at "xyz" online and couldn't sleep.  Sometimes he'd leave in the middle of the night.  Anyway, long story short I just had too many little clues and no proof. 

While married to him, I was never a perfect wife.  But I tried hard.  If we disagreed about something, I always tried to maintain a calm disposition and keep my emotions to a minimum.  I always made sure I laid my thoughts out politely and with logic as my structure.  I tried to be fair.  He resorted to name calling and insults and of course when he pushed too far into the right buttons, I would retaliate with emotion.  And I will admit that there have been a few times (I can count the number on one hand) that I lost my cool.  But for the most part, I tried to be a good wife.  When I became a Christian a few years into the marriage, I learned to strive to continue to be a good wife and a good representative of God to my husband despite the difficulties.

So, while I had these suspicions, I kind of used them as motivators to try harder.  I figured if I was a great wife, he'd want me instead of whomever he was turning to.  I tried to cover all the bases: no nagging, be supportive, be sexually cool, treat him the way I wanted to be treated, etc.

But I never had proof and finally I just learned to live with it and continue to try harder anyway.

Well, when I left him the judge allowed him to call the kids.  So I used one of his cell phones for the calls.  One day, our toddler was playing with the phone and had accessed the messages section.  I took the phone away, afraid he might send a message.  After clearing out the jibberish he had typed, the screen went to the "sent" box.  In the sent box was a list of previews of sent messages.  This caught my attention because a few of them started very sexual and were to a number that was not mine.

To sum it all up, I found these messages several months after I had left him.  They confirmed that he was cheating.  And I sat at the steps of the staircase crying.  Not because I wanted him back but because after all those years I got resolution to my suspicions.  And because I was hurt and angry that despite my best efforts to be a good partner, I could not "make" him stay faithful to me.  I felt betrayed and embarrassed and just heartbroken that I loved someone and he didn't love me back.

As I sat there with my face in my hands, my toddler came and sat beside me.  He said, "Oh Mommy, you sad?"

And I wiped my face and nodded my head and said, "Yes, honey.  Mommy's sad."

So he took my face in his hands and wiped my tears and said, "Don't be sad, Mommy."

Looking into this innocent child's eyes and seeing nothing but the purest love, Agape love, I knew that the truest form of love will come in the palms of caring hands from someone who sees your pain and wipes your tears and holds your face with empathy in their eyes.

My heart was lifted immediately and I hugged him tight.  "I love you soooo much," I told him.

"I wuv you too!" He said.

That was the last time I cried for something sad and the first time I truly realized that love doesn't have to come from a lover to be true.  And that although my heart was broken by someone, there is so much beauty in things that are right in front of my face that I can't possibly allow myself to dwell in any sadness.


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