Sunday, November 9, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
Another thing that has kept us busy lately is the adoption of a kitten. Yes, another friggin animal. This one was dumped in a Petsmart parking lot and we couldn't just leave her there. Sean's "Mommy Please" kind of got to me, too. So far the addition isn't too much trouble. She's getting along just fine with Bruce and the ferrets, but man I'm kind of running a small zoo here. I guess I just have to keep myself in check and make sure I'm balancing everything well.
My mood right now is: Tired, happy, smitten, and filled with joy. Even though I'm so tired lately (mentally and physically), I am so happy. God is amazing, He's definitely keeping me in His arms. I pray that He keeps my family under His watch and that my friends are building a relationship with Him. I love my God. He is my rock.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
I'm lonely. And I find myself feeling angry sometimes. Not at the people who I've given up in order to ensure my children have a good life. Not at my parents for failing to teach me what a good relationship looks like. Not at my friends who stay in bad relationships just because it's better than being alone.
I'm mad at myself. For failing to choose a good person to spend my life with. I wonder why do I sabotage myself? Why do I go into a relationship hoping that maybe he's "the one" when I know deep down inside that he's not? I never answer these questions. I just ask them after each break up. Or when I'm lonely.
People tell me that the right guy will come along and I smile and nod my head and tell them how I agree and that I'm perfectly okay with waiting. I'm only half lying. I think deep down inside I want to stay alone. Not because I don't want someone else.
I don't want to fail again. My kids' dad was a horrible mistake. I'm not going to sugar coat it tonight and say "without him I wouldn't have had my children." I know that's true. But it was a horrible experience and I don't ever want to make that mistake again. I don't have just me to worry about. When I didn't have kids the only bad thing to come of a failed relationship was a broken heart. Now I have two additional hearts to protect. And theirs is more important than mine.
My 5 year old, Sean, had a rough week because his daycare class was so busy with making Father's Day stuff and having Father's Day lunch and sharing stories of their dads. He threw a plastic shovel and it hit a kid in the face. He told his teacher "I don't have a dad. My father doesn't know how to be a good dad."
How the hell am I supposed to heal that? People tell me "you just have to remind him that he has YOU and he has other family members who love him." Yeah, try telling a 5 year old that what he wants doesn't matter because everyone else loves him. When what he truly knows is that he needs a father and the only one he has is an asshole who doesn't know how to be a good dad.
And here I am at past midnight closing up the third episode of Orange Is The New Black I've watched since the kids have fallen asleep. And all I want is someone to share it with. Someone to talk to about how freaking awesome this stupid series is.
I put them in swim class and I put them in tee ball. So they can be kids and have fun and learn boy stuff. Hell I'm coaching Sean's tee ball team. And they laugh and have a good time. We throw the ball around at the park and we go hiking and collect rocks and get dirty. It's all good stuff. They enjoy it. But at the end of the day we're still just three. We're a damn good three. But they still ask me why God hasn't given them a good dad.
And that pisses me off. Because I haven't given them a good dad. I made the wrong choices in men. I chose to be alone out of fear of failing yet again.
And I wonder if I will always have no one. And if they will always only have me. I don't know that answer.
Someone asked me if I've prayed about it. And I do. A lot. But even while I'm praying I am doubting. I go on Facebook and see the posts of all my married friends and I know that behind those smiling couples lies bad marriages. Not all of them. But enough to stunt my hope.
Not sure what my point is anymore. I guess it's just a rant. No real need for answers or pity. Just some single mom ranting. I guess it's up to me. It's up to me to take risks and find that right guy. It's up to me to deal with the heartbreak after each failed attempt. Or just hold out for that right guy, if I can recognize him.
So if you're a single mom feeling lonely or angry, don't feel too bad. Under all this fake smile, head- nodding perfectly-fine-with-waiting single mom lies someone who feels your pain. I know it's hard. And lonely. And sad. But you aren't alone in that. Not really.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tomorrow is Caden's 7th birthday. I'm letting him ditch school (he's only had one other missed school day this academic year so I don't feel so bad) and the three of us are going to spend the day celebrating. We have a birthday tradition, which the boys started all on their own. The birthday boy gets to decide if the non-birthday boy can get a gift as well. It's their way of being able to share the day without jealousy. I had no part in this decision.
Well, tonight, Caden asked me if Sean could get two toys instead of one. The birthday boy gets four and the non-birthday boy gets one. I told him, "Caden, the rule is that Sean can only get one."
He looked a little sad and said, "Well, what if I get just three and Sean can get two?"
I thought about this, a bit puzzled at what he was saying. "Caden, you understand that you can get four, right? But you're giving up your fourth gift so that Sean can get two. Are you sure about this?"
He smiled and nodded. "Yes, that way he won't be sad that he only gets one. Besides, three is plenty."
I felt my eyebrows draw together in that confused manner. How the heck did he become so selfless? This is a kid who bullies his younger brother, gets annoyed with him when he feels as if he doesn't have his space, and can't stand when he is out-run by him. Yet, here he is giving up a TOY so that Sean can have another.
I don't remember being that selfless when I was a kid.
|S'mores for the first time ever.|
Someone paid me a really great compliment today. I was told that I should be a model because of my facial features. How the heck did I get so lucky to have been told such a thing? Needless to say, I have been really needing a pick-me-up lately. Been feeling a little unpretty. So this compliment has definitely lifted me.
A more important somebody (ahem... Caden) gave me a great compliment as well:
Let's hope he really really loves water. :-)
|Trying to rock those grays.|
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Later, I parked my car beside a trail and hiked a good five minutes to my office building. About halfway through the trail, a coyote crossed right in front of me. I stopped dead in my tracks. I'm not familiar with coyotes and their behavior around humans. Would he attack me? Is there something I need to do so he doesn't attack me? When he crossed, he trotted up a hill and stopped to look at me. At this point, I thought it was safe to go on. So I did for a few strides and then I stopped and looked back. He stood there, frozen in his tracks, and stared at me. He probably wondered the same thing about me. Was I going to attack him? Did he need to run? We stood there for about thirty seconds just looking at each other. Right now, thirty seconds seems like a flash. But at that point, it felt as if I was in another world... forever. I noticed things about him I wouldn't have appreciated in a picture or a TV show. He blended in perfectly with the woods. Patches of hair was missing on the back half of his body. But his face. His face was beautiful. Wild and contemplating. It was an amazing moment. It was long enough for me to take a quick pic.
At the end of the day, I got to Caden's youth center and stared in awe at the sky. Standing out from the usual beauty of sunset colors was a cross. Yes, a cross. I thought it was incredible.
When I reflected on the day, I was fully aware of how many gifts we are given each moment of our lives. Stopping to appreciate them makes me realize how blessed I am. No matter what sadness or frustration the day has held, there are small gifts all around us just waiting for us to appreciate them. Meeting a coyote and seeing a cross in the sky are bigger and easier for me to identify as gifts, so I was reminded that these moments are rare and I have to treasure them for days when I need them the most.