After the Deployment

So I've been without a computer for about a month.  My wonderful little pink netbook has died.  It just ... DIED.  No warning or anything.  And a replacement has been really low on my list of things to purchase.  I had more important things to buy... like a couch.

You know it's pretty bad when a couple of guys bring a couch into your home and your toddlers jump for joy saying, "A couch!  A couch!"  And your 4 year old jumps on it, hugs the pillows and says, "I missed you, couch!"  Thanks, Caden!  Now I feel like such a jerk.  :P

We're all moved into the apartment and have been just getting things settled and organized.  It is nice having my bed back!  And it is especially nice having a washer and dryer hooked up.  Oh!  And speaking of the washer, I was quite proud of myself.  I hooked it up all by myself.  I even figured out how to balance it.  You know how the washer and dryer wobbles when you first get it in?  Well, I learned (and not by accident, but by actually Googling the answer!) that you have to tilt it towards you at about a 30 degree angle and let it drop.  It balances itself.  How cool is that!  So I got to finally do my laundry!

Since I've been back, I've focused primarily on getting the family back together and settling in our home.  I didn't realize what a job that would be.  Whew.  And there is one big thing that has identified itself as an unfortunate deployment side effect.  Kids and separation anxiety.

The first night I was home, Caden woke up at midnight whispering, "Mommy?"  When I opened my eyes, I saw him creeping up to me really quietly.  "Yes, honey," I answered.  He gave me a big hug and said, "Thank you for getting me."  During the remainder of the week, he'd wake in the middle of the night and say, "Mommy?  You're home?"  Talk about breaking my heart.  As sweet and innocent as it was though, it escalated rapidly.

If I leave the room, he follows me just to make sure I'm not leaving the apartment.  He'll say, "Mommy?  You'll be right back?"  And if he and Sean are doing something naughty, all it takes is for me to say, "All right, guys, we need to have a talk about this" and Caden is quick to run to me and say, "Mommy please don't get mad!  I don't want you to get mad!"  The look on his face is something stricken and panicked.

Daycare is getting harder every day.  In the morning, he cries because he doesn't want me to go to work.  He wants me to stay at daycare with him.  He cries about it in the car on the way to daycare.  And then he cries on his way to his class room.  When I leave the room, I hear him screaming "I want my mommy!!  I don't want her to go to work!"  The poor little guy. 

What I've been doing about the daycare anxiety is simply encouraging him for going, asking him about his day, showing him how cool it is that he's in daycare.  When I drop him off, I tell him I'll be back to get him before the sun goes down.  It seems to be making a difference.  When I pick him up he gets excited and tells me, "Look mommy!  The sun is still up!" 

Sean, on the other hand, is going through his terrible two's.  So Mommy leaving him at daycare doesn't upset him at all.  He had far more important things to scream about.  Like other kids having a ball and not him.  Or that his Buzz Lightyear toy can't wear Woody's cowboy hat.  Or that Charlie licked him.  Or that Caden has an "aircrane" and he doesn't.  Whew.  I can't wait for him to get over this phase.

I've got so much more to write about this post-deployment transition.  But I'm using my work comp and if you tell on me, I'd be in a bit of trouble.  ;)

Peace.

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Progress ... and A Visitor

I'm feeling a little proud of myself today.  I've been making a dent in the storage room so I've been a little more motivated.  I do quite well filling my little SUV until it's about to explode.  This last trip, I got to cram a bookshelf, a few big boxes, a couple of large stuffed animals, the frame for my bed and more in just one load!  Not bad for not having a truck.

Oh!  And I was able to lift that bookshelf up nineteen steps all by myself!  I was a little proud that my 100lb self could do it.  Ha ha!  I rock.

It is annoying having a bunch of empty boxes in the place as I unpack things, but I know that in time I'll get it all straightened out.  What I thought was super cool was that I was smart enough to store almost EVERYTHING.  I super-sealed a box of my spices and seasonings!  I also don't need to buy toilet tissue, paper towels, trash bags and all the little things you usually have to buy when you move.  Heck no, I even have dishwashing detergent!  How awesome is that?

It would've been perfect if I could've been able to store frozen food or even if I had ordered from Angel Food Ministries so that I could pick up the groceries as soon as I got a place.  :)  Ah well, It can't all go perfectly, right?

In the midst of all this moving, I was afforded the pleasure of having a surprise visitor.  Last night, Charlie and I went to Sonic for some coffee.  After getting out of the car, we headed up the stairs and out of nowhere came this cat!  It ran quickly up the steps at Charlie's side.  When I opened my door, Charlie ran in ... followed by the cat.  I stood there, stumped.

It went inside and started rubbing its little body all over the place!  Charlie tried to play with him but Charlie is a big dog who is more like a giant puppy, so when he plays with other animals he can be... overwhelming.  So the cat swatted Charlie on his face and Charlie decided to follow him around instead.

Now anyone who knows me knows what a sucker I am when it comes to strays.  Heck, Charlie was a puppy about to be surrendered to the humane society!  Now almost two years later, I won't shake him off.  So, this cat couldn't have chosen a more perfect sucker.  But.  I am in the process of moving, haven't even brought my kids into the home yet, PLUS Patrick is allergic to cats.  I could not keep this cat in my home.

So, before I let him get comfortable, I had to put him back outside with a towel by my door so he wouldn't get too cold.  Of course he had already wandered off by the time I peeked outside to check on him.  This morning, I asked a neighbor about him and she said he belongs to another tenant and just roams the place.

So, to sum it all up, I've been having a very progressive move.  So progressive that someone's cat decided to try to move in with me like I wouldn't notice.  And I found that I could lift something like a heavy bookcase up my stairs without any help.  So it might get even better tonight and tomorrow!

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Moving STINKS

What has two thumbs and would rather lie on the floor of an empty living room complaining about moving than to actually get to moving?

Me.  J Shine, that's who.  Wahhh.  I don't wanna!!

Ugh.  Okay, so I've been back and forth to the storage unit loading and unloading boxes and filling my brand new apartment with them.  I've been doing it.  But oh how I hate it!  I'd rather lie on my couchless floor and stare at the ceiling, mad that I have to do it in the first place.  Can't I just hire people to move for me?

Oh yeah, I looked around.  The cheapest I found for hired help is $420.  Yikes!  Patrick keeps telling me that he'd help me, but he lives 3 hours away.  I think it's pathetic of me to have my boyfriend drive 3 hours to come help me move and then have to drive 3 hours back home so he can get back to work. 

But he would be free help.  Hmmm.  Might have to rethink this.

I've been searching Craigslist for a couch set.  I found a really pretty cream colored leather set- couch and loveseat.  For $275.  And guess what!  They live two buildings away from me!  The only thing I needed was for a lovely apartment neighbor who drives a truck to drive it from one building to mine and then help me carry it up the stairs! 

So I spotted some people moving in, using a U-Haul truck.  I offered them $25 if they could just drive the couches from the one building to mine and help me move them.  The guy said, "Sure!" and said he'd be back in a few.  I told him I'd be back because I wanted to get some money out to pay for the couches and for his labor.

I drove just across the street to the ATM, got money out and drove back.  3 minutes tops.  He and his U-Haul were gone.  They were nowhere to be found!  I couldn't believe it! 

So being out of a truck, I had no way to get the couches to my place.  I couldn't expect the seller to carry it with me down the sidewalk-- it was too far a walk and it's cold out.

What a jerk.  I should've put on some makeup and something cute. 

Anyway, so now I'm just spending my days moving stuff into my apartment and searching for a couch set that a seller would deliver to me!  Please please please keep me in your prayers!

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Guess Who's Back!!

Who has big feet, a large head and pair of funky ears? 

I moved into my apartment a couple of days ago.  I don't know if I just didn't want to be alone or if I couldn't stand the fact that he was only a 20 minute drive away and wasn't with me.  All I know is as soon as I got the keys to my apartment, I picked him up and brought him to our new home.  And it was like we were never apart anyway.

His toys are everywhere!  And his smiles are huge!  I was super happy to have him back again.

So he has big feet that go thump everytime he trots around the place.  He has a big head and a long pointy muzzle.  And I never got his ears taped, he has soft ears, so they're all floppy and funky looking.  If you guessed Charlie, you are awesome.  Yep, I picked him up from his foster home and brought him to our apartment where he got nice and comfortable real fast.

We did lots of snuggling, training and playing.  I've missed his gooberness!  He's so friggin lovable!

The morning after I brought him home, I woke up because something was dropped onto my belly.  I picked it up and saw that it was Charlie's little toy.  He sat in front of me, staring at me as if he was saying, "Play?"  LOL Like a little kid.

Okay, I do have to admit one thing:  Dog toys are gross.  Aren't they?  They're always covered in slime if you play with them.  And they have tons of holes in them from always getting punctured by canines.  And if you let them play with the toys outside?  You're looking at a dirty, grassy, slimy hole punched piece of rubber that for some reason our pets find so appealing. 

Anyway, we are having a blast together!  I can't wait til the kids get here.  Can you imagine?  My home will be filled with so much noise, food and activities than a single person can stand.  I'm excited!

He carries this big rubber ball called the Jolly Ball.  He carries it around and shakes his head back and forth.  Then he rolls it to me and looks at me as if I'm expected to roll it back.  Of course I do!

The poor baby.  It was thundering and he had the most pitiful look on his face.

I was online looking for furniture.  And he was bored.  He kept doing this obnoxious sigh, as if he was sooo disappointed in me.

Now that I have my Charlie back, it feels like I'll have my whole family back in no time!

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I've Landed

Wow!  I'm on US soil. It took me a while to get here.  Although I love seeing new sites, I can't stand airports and living out of a suitcase.  But since I had to do it, I figured I might as well make the best of it. 

During my travels, I had to stop in Japan where I ate a delicious wonton noodle soup.  Maybe I was super hungry, but I thought it was the best soup in the world.  The drink, however, was another story.  I bought this green tea that had a green label on it.  Everything was in Japanese, so I didn't know what flavor it was.  But the yellow labeled tea had a picture of a lemon on it.  Mine didn't have any picture.  It tasted horrible.  Like it was supposed to be some kind of broth.  Broth is yummy... when it's warm and when you're expecting to drink soup.  But if you're thirsty and expecting a cold beverage it isn't something you imagine tasting!  I couldn't drink it.  Maybe I should've heated it up or something.  Yuck.

I spent a couple of days on an island so I could get some paperwork done, getting back to my home unit.  It was a nice break... and I got to eat PIZZA.  Yumm.  When you haven't had pizza in 6 months, the first pizza you eat is instantly the best pizza you've ever had.  Even if it's not true, you believe it is. 

And finally, I landed in my own city.  Yay!!  I got to hop in my lovely, wonderful car which welcomed me with Charlie's dog hair from the time I took him to the beach right before I left.  I didn't clean my interior.  :-( Bad on me. 

I stayed with Patrick during my home hunting.  :-) He is such a gentleman and a wonderful friend.  Getting to see his smile and touch his face truly warmed my heart.  Snuggling with him as we watched movies made me so happy.  He even made taco soup!  I'm not going to turn this into a Patrick blog because I'll just get all mushy.  So I'll move on...

I found a place to live!!  Woo hoo!!  I move in next week and I'm so excited!!  I'm not going to blog about that til later, though.

Well, I'm back in the U.S.  I have mixed feelings about it.  I made so many friends on my deployment that it broke my heart to leave.  But I'm so excited about getting to see my kids soon and getting Charlie back and moving into my new apartment. 

My prayer is that I will pursue this new life with my eyes on God.  :-)

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The Dream Guy

I remember when my dream guy had a face.  Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.  Some girls have a blonde haired, blue eyed, tanned body dream guy.  Some liked the dark haired mysterious guys.  Mine had that messy long brown hair that was pulled back in a low pony tail.  He was tanned and tall.  He had a stubble on his face.  He was bold, daring and deeply in love with me.  Yes, he was a character in my favorite romance novel.  Gosh, I’m such a girl.

Now, I’m a single mom of two little guys and I still have my dream guy.  He doesn’t have a face anymore.  Okay, okay I’m madly in lust with Mark Harmon (YUMM).  And yeah, I sure do have a thing for George Clooney.  But my dream guy?  The guy I want to marry?  He is more than just a face.  He has a heart.  And I’ve come to realize over the years that when you put a face on your dream guy, or in other words go after men just for their superficial qualities, you don’t ever get what you actually want or need from your dream guy.

My dream guy is a man after God’s heart.  He is a Christian, and he won’t ever be perfect but he will love me like Christ loves the church.  And that love is a verb, not just a name to a feeling.  He will protect me, guide me and treat me kindly.  He will raise our children to love Christ and walk the Christian life.  He will be the head of the household, top of the hierarchy in our home, but will never treat us as slaves nor will he lie or keep secrets.  He loves to read his bible and discuss with me our thoughts about what we’ve learned. 

But having a dream guy isn’t just about “having” a dream guy.  It’s about visualizing a partner and since it is, it comes with visualizing what our relationship will be.  It means learning what it takes to be a good partner for this dream guy.

God made Eve for Adam.  He made her to be his friend, helpmate and companion.  She is submissive to him.  Submission.  Don’t we ladies cringe at that word?  It’s been abused for so many years that when we hear it, we stand taller with our chin in the air and defend our women’s rights.  But submission isn’t something to fear or hate, I believe it is exactly what the bible teaches us—to be alpha-female in the household.  To be the man’s co-pilot and Second in Command.  We women are our dream guy’s treasure, his companion and without us he is incomplete.  We submit to him, not the way a dog cowers before its master, but as a queen looks up to her king.  As his queen, I’m quite important to my dream guy.

My dream guy looks to me for guidance just as I look to him.  He is a man accountable for the spiritual wholeness of his family and he cannot do it on his own.  He trusts in me, shows me love and affection.  He needs me.  God made us different for such a beautiful reason!  The man is protective, responsible and logical while the woman is nurturing, intelligent and kind.  Together, we make one powerful couple! 

Take an expensive car, for example.  Say, a Ferrari!  This car is wicked fast, powerful and gorgeous.  It is wonderful to look at and watch.  But it does no good without a driver-- a responsible driver, knowledgeable of what it takes to maintain this beast of a vehicle.  The driver pays a heft price for tires, good oil and expensive parts.  If you haven’t gotten it by now, I’m pretty much saying that my dream guy is like a Ferrari and he needs one fantastic driver to make him do what Ferraris are meant to do.

A man after God’s heart is an awesome follower of Christ.  He has the Holy Spirit living in him.  When people are in his presence, they know something is special about him.  It’s not because he’s physically beautiful nor is it because he’s good at his job.  It’s in the way he treats others.  It’s in his loyalty to God and his family.  It is in his forgiveness and grace.  His wife stands strong beside him, supportive and encouraging.  He treats her as if she was his queen.  He is faithful to her and never turns his back on her.  And she loves him by treating him as if he were the most important thing to her beneath God. 

You may not believe the same things I do.  And that’s okay.  I’m just talking about my dream guy.  Of course I’d love to know that every woman wants a Christian man, but I’m not writing this to try to convert you.  I write this because for so long I’ve had this dream of having a man in my life who loves me with all his heart.  That dream was filled with romantic fantasy.  But now, after being saved through Christ, I want a man who will only build me up in my relationship with God.  I want a man who won’t be melancholy in his faith.  He has to burn with desire for Christ.  If he isn’t a man after God’s heart, he will simply distract me from my God or pull me away from Him.  And after knowing God, I will not be torn from His arms by some handsome, charming guy.

I made a promise to God, my kids and myself that if I ever get married again it will be with a man I will not divorce.  My family will never be perfect, but we will be right with God.  We will be strong!

I hope that whomever your dream guy is, that he is not someone whom you’ve deemed made specifically and only for your own selfish pleasure.  I pray that he is someone who will love you.  I hope that your dream guy will be more than you’ve hoped and prayed for.  And that you both will be one powerful couple.

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Cagebound?

I took in this bird once.  He was a cockatiel that came in a ratty old cage, which barely gave him enough room to spread his wings.  I could tell it hadn't been cleaned in a long time.  He was terrified of people.  He didn't play with the toys in his cage.  He spent his days sitting on his perch staring through his bars.  I'd catch him singing once in a while and when I would walk past, he'd stop.  I came to the conclusion that he had never been handled, simply left in the cage to entertain himself.  I named him Corwin. 

Anytime I took an animal in, I researched its species and breed to make sure I knew how to properly care for it.  I learned that birds require lots of handling at a young age so that they can get used to people.  They've gotta be socialized and made part of the family.  Owners have to let them out of their cages so that they can get their exercise and work on socializing.  They've gotta be spoken to and handled gently.  Doing these things makes these (and many other types of birds) fantastic pets!  They can be entertaining and are very smart.  And they can be so affectionate!  But left alone in a cage is kind of like leaving a dog tied up outside with little to no interaction with humans.

Corwin was absolutely terrified of me, of anyone that came close to his cage.  He hissed, shuddered and turned his back to me.  He wouldn't eat if I was around.  If I stuck my hand in his cage to clean it or change out his food and water, he'd hiss and try to bite.  The poor thing had absolutely no trust in me!  One of the things I learned about him and other unsocialized birds is that they get cagebound. 

If I left the cage door open, that bird would not even attempt to venture out.  His cage was his security!  He wanted nothing to do with the big world outside the bars.  And I couldn't blame him!  If I were him, I wouldn't know how good things could be outside the cage.  I wouldn't know where the predators were, when they would get me and where all the safe spots were.  It would be terrifying!  And today I realized that being deployed here is kind of my little birdcage.

I don't know how other deployment sites are, but out here we are confined in such a small place.  Basically a box lined with barbed wire.  We make jokes about being detainees in the camp penn.  A place where you can get glimpses of the sky if you can see between the roofs.  A place where smokers play cards and bet cigarettes.  A place where sleep is filled with the noises of weapons clearing, gym weights clinking and night shifters laughing.  We get our three meals a day, our laundry is done for us as long as we turn it in at the right times.  We find musical people and beg them to play music for us on a Saturday night in the smoke pit where we're allowed no more than two beers.  The routine rarely changes unless we do something really cool like an orphanage or outstation visit.  Once a week, we can play a movie from a projector.   And when someone gets a teddy bear in the mail from a loved one, their eyes light up and everyone else's look down.

Many of us get so used to this that when we do go to the outstations where the pace, noises and foods are different, we can't wait to return.  When I was in the big city doing the shopping for Christmas supplies, I had a big beautiful bed that I couldn't sleep without waking up because of the deafening silence. 

Being here in this small "prison," I've learned the value of my job.  I've grown in my walk with Christ.  I've felt the Holy Spirit in me!  I feel as if I am a totally different person, renewed with clear, wide eyes.  I've shed my past sins and have regained my footing in this path.  I've seen things out here that have proven God right and I can't do anything but feel so blessed.

Knowing that I'll be going back home soon, back to real life, I'm realizing how scared I am!  Sure it's going to be great having a bathroom right down the hall from a bedroom that is all mine and a bed that isn't only twice as wide as I am.  Sure I'll get to actually go to my own home as soon as it's the end of the workday.  But I can't imagine not sleeping just around the corner from my office.  And not running through a gym to get to the bathroom at 5am.  And sleeping in a bedroom all by myself without hearing the sounds of weapons being cleared.

I'm sure that after a week, I'll be back to my old routine doing the same things I'd done before I deployed.  I know that as soon as I get to hold my kids in my arms, I'll remember why I was deployed in the first place.  I guess right now I just feel scared of leaving the box I've gotten to grow comfortable in.  I feel... cagebound.  I'm scared that I will forget the teachings I've learned from Christ through my bible, worship services, and my sisters.  I'll be without my sisters and my chaplain. I'm scared to go off on my own and BE this new person that God has revealed.

After what seemed like forever, Corwin finally started to trust me more.  I took baby steps with him, first sitting by his cage for a few minutes throughout the day just to talk softly to him.  When I reached into his cage, I spoke gently and moved slowly, careful not to make any threatening moves.  After some time, I offered him a bowl of food.  And after a little bit of time after that, he ate out of that bowl-- sometimes he'd stand on the rim of the bowl.  And after that?  He ventured out of his cage.

The difference between Corwin and I is that I KNOW the goodness outside of my cage.  I've felt freedom before.  And my adjustment will only be exercised with remembering how to embrace it and appreciating everything I took for granted.  I'm not sure if he had ever felt that before.  But I do know that it took a lot of courage for him to climb outside his secure little ratty, old cage that he had spent so much of his life in.  And he let go of his fears of the unknown.

In Deuteronomy 1:6,-8 The Lord our God said, "You have stayed long enough at this mountain.  Break camp and advance into the hill country of the Amorites; go to all the neighboring peoples in the Arabah; go to all the neighboring peoples in the Arabah, in the mountains, in the western foothills, in the Negev and along the coast, to the land of the Canaanites and to Lebanon, as far as the great river, the Euphrates.  See, I have given you this land. Go in and take possession of the land that the Lord swore he would give to your fathers--to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob--and to their descendants after them."

God has taken me away from my old life, placed me in an entirely new environment with strangers and led me straight to him through them!  My time here was spent appreciating all of the beautiful things He has given me, learning through scriptures the wonders He had done in the past and the amazing things He has waiting for me!  My time here is done.  School is out.  It's now time for me to take possession of this new life He has given me. 

I pray that He will hold me close in my new adventures and whisper reminders should I ever forget He's right by my side in every dark alley.

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Dog Food

What is it with boys and dog food?  When we were kids, my brothers used to dare each other to eat dog biscuits.  And then their friends would dare each other to do it too.  And they all ate it!  And they laughed like crazy about it!

My boys, my sweet little babies LOVE to sneak into the dog food!  Caden calls it "sharing" when I catch the two of them in the big bag of kibble and Charlie would be standing, patiently waiting with his tail wagging in anticipation for his turn!

I have a story to tell about this, I promise.  But before I do, let me just say that my boys are the coolest kids around!  They are sweet, polite and super fun boys.  They treat dogs kindly, laugh at funny stuff (like when someone farts in the house, they're all about it) and when they give hugs they give the GREATEST hugs in the world.  And trust me, I feed my kids.  There is not a hungry belly in my home.  So why is it that when I browse the doggy treats isle in a petstore, I find myself looking at ingredients thinking, "Okay if Caden happened to get into this, is it at least healthy?"  Ahhh!!!

So it was Thanksgiving and Caden was almost 2 years old (at this time I was still pregnant with Sean) and my brother Paul and his fiancee were visiting.  Caden was a huge dog food fan.  Anytime our dog Stiley was eating, I constantly caught Caden sneaking into Stiley's food dish as he ate. Everytime I caught this, I'd run to Caden and make him spit it out, telling him it was for dogs and not for "us."  Sometimes I would find Caden's cereal bowl filled with dog food and Stiley would be eating cereal out of his dog dish.  Caden was swapping foods! 

Anyway, Paul and I were in the dining room chatting and laughing at things I can't even remember now.  I stood up, realizing it was dinner time for Stiley, and began to pour his food into his dish.  Out of nowhere, Caden appears and stands by Stiley as he ate.  "Caden," I said in a stern voice, "No eating dog food, please.  It's for dogs."

He just grinned at me and said, "I help clean up!"  He then bent down and, one by one, began picking the dog food up from the floor (Stiley was a messy eater) and then placed the kibble into the dog dish.  After the third one, he looked up at me and said, "See?  I clean up!"  Finally, satisfied that he was just going to clean up, I took a seat at the dining table and continued my conversation.

Then I saw that Paul kept his eyes on Caden, giggling as he watched him.  I turned to see my sweet Mommy's Little Helper pick up the LAST piece of kibble and glanced over his shoulder at me.  "Caden," I warned, "Put it in Stiley's bowl, please."

Caden, his eyes now reflecting deep thought, looked from me to Paul, then to the dog dish.  And SWOOSH!!! Off he ran with one little piece of dog kibble in his tiny little fist.  "Caden!" I called, chasing after him.  "Caden, that's for dogs!" 

I chased him around the dining table when he went straight for a corner, where he stopped with his back to me.  Before I could reach him, he glanced over his shoulder at me, STUCK THE DOG FOOD IN HIS MOUTH and chewed it all up.  Then he turned and presented two little open palms and said, "See Mommy?  All gone!  I clean!"

At this point, Paul is laughing his head off.  I'm standing there, astonished that this 2 year old little boy just thought out a plan to sneak a piece of dog food into his mouth and get away with it.  Soon, I was laughing hysterically and I knew that didn't do anything but encourage this fascination.

I don't know what it is.  Do little boys dare each other to eat stuff only because deep down they really wanna see what it tastes like?  And then because they know it's not normal, not socially accepted, they think it's even cooler to actually try to get away with eating it?  Or maybe dog food just tastes good.  Who knows.  All I know is it's a gross idea and I wouldn't have anything to do with eating the stuff. 

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On Love and the Past

"Honey, you know that stores do sell toothpaste with the flip-up caps, right?"

"Well, yeah," I answered, astonished how easy that solution was.  Patrick and I were just having a conversation about relationships.  I am a huge chicken when it comes to this topic.  My entire life, I've had nothing but dysfunctional relationships.  Growing up in a home infected with domestic violence, I never knew what a healthy relationship looked like.  And I made some bad choices, choosing very unhealthy partners.  So when Patrick and I talked about relationships, I told him that I didn't think I could ever live with a man again.

I went on to tell him that I didn't think I could deal with the stress of having someone complain about the house not being clean enough, the food not cooked on time, the kids not quiet, etc.  "I even leave the cap off the toothpaste," I insisted.  And that's when he stumped me with that remark.

And after that answer, I went on, "Well, my home is really busy!  It's never perfectly clean.  There's always toys on the floor, laundry never ends and after the kids go to bed there are more chores to be done."

"Babe," he replied, "I wouldn't just stand around and watch you manage the house and kids by yourself.  I'd help, you know."

One thing that never ceases to surprise me about our relationship is that he constantly reminds me that I'm no longer in one of those past relationships.  Whenever I visit with him, I'm never left to cook by myself.  He helps.  He washes dishes.  He doesn't just go off and play on his computer.  He spends time with me, even if it's just to join me in playing fetch with his dog. 

And another thing-- there's no pressure!  For anything!  We don't text each other every hour of the day.  We're both busy people.  He has his own business, his own kids.  He doesn't question why I don't text or call him as often as I'd like.  There's this really cool, calming sense of understanding between us.  He doesn't expect me to drop what I'm doing for him, even though I'd jump at an opportunity to chat with him.  He's secure enough in our relationship that he doesn't feel it necessary to nag me for attention. 

Lots of the bad things in my past come back to haunt me in this relationship.  But I combat them with this relationship's facts, the person I'm with now and the person I am now.  I'm stronger, able to see clearly and am quicker to identify unhealthy behaviors.  And Patrick consistently shows up in the "healthy" department.

I told my therapist once, "Even if he and I don't work out for some reason, I'm confident that at least this relationship has shown me what a healthy one looks like."  Of course, I'd rather we work out instead!  But the point is, I'm glad I have such a good opportunity to experience having a good relationship and to know what one feels like.

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Last Outstation Visit

I am currently at another location, far from my camp.  I brought with me a backpack stuffed with a few days' worth of clothes, meds and toiletries.  A smaller pack that held my camera and laptop sat with me on the helicopter.  We would only be at this location for a short time to fulfill one mission.

The helicopter ride is always fun.  I'll never get tired of it.  I really love the part where the aircraft starts.  The blades rotate slowly, then faster and faster.  The whole helo shakes until it stabilizes.  Then the doors are shut and it's time to get going.  Unlike a plane, the helo doesn't speed down the runway til it gains enough speed to lift off.  Nope.  It just lifts off!  It's the coolest experience!  Then it hovers around a little and viola!  You're up high into the sky, slowly sailing over the waters and islands.

Being so high in the sky is amazing.  When you're in flight, you get to see the designs of the earth.  How beautiful everything is!  I love how small everything looks down below.  And I really like how beautiful land looks from a distance.  You would never know that anything bad happens there.  Everything looks peaceful and quiet. 

One thing I do enjoy about the outstations is the fact that the military personnel always adopt the local dogs.  Dogs here aren't taken care of very well.  So the ones on the camp are super spoiled because our troops take a good liking to them.  There's just something about dogs that make people happier.  :) 

My room was cool, I didn't have to share with anyone.  But it isn't the cleanest and the sheets smell.  But it's a small sacrifice.  And it's only a few days. 

So I spent all day yesterday talking with the people assigned here, getting to know them.  They are a cool bunch.  They work hard and play hard... well as much as one can out here, anyway.  Today, I played with the dogs.  LOL  They are really sweet. 

This evening, something sad lingered in my heart.  I'm having some conflict with a friend of mine and I'm sad about it.  So instead of hanging out with the outstation crew during their New Year's Eve celebration, I stayed in the room. 

 And that's when my cell phone rang. 

M called!!  He was wishing me a Happy New Year's at about 8am in his timezone.  How sweet is that?  He just wanted to call and see how I was doing and find out when I was returning home.  My heart just bounced with joy.  This guy, thousands of miles away, called me on a day I was feeling sad.  And now that I think of it, he's getting a little too good at doing that!  lol  If you read Care Package, you'll see that M has an amazing sense of good timing.  When he was here on my deployment with me, he always knew what to say and/or do at the right times.  He knew when I was down or upset and he never let me alone to continue those feelings.  He always did something to cheer me up.  So, just like he always did when he was here, he came at a time I needed some cheering up.

I'll be heading back to camp soon.  Can't wait to sleep in my own bed, eat better food in our chow hall and get back to wrapping up my deployment!  Almost done!

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