Why Christianity Is A Problem For Single Me

To some I am worth a kiss.

To some I am worth a one night stand.

To some I am worth only friendship.

To some I am worth monogamy.

To some I am worth a drive.

To some I am worth cheating on their wives.

To some I am worth a poem.

To some I am worth a picture.

But to none am I worth commitment.

To none am I worth marriage.

To none I am worth fighting for.

And I am not okay with this

as I once was.

And that is why Christianity is a problem.

 

 

Before Christ saved me, I was okay with eating the scraps off the table of relationships.  I was so desperate for "love" that I took whatever I could get.  But Christ revealed to me how valuable I am.  And I am no longer okay with sleazy men.  I am no longer okay with flings. 

Christ has cleaned my list of things I'm okay with.  He has made me refuse to settle.  And I'm left feeling as if no one in the world is left.  And that is my problem with Christianity.

But is it a problem, really?  Sometimes I think it makes being happy hard.  But happiness is conditional, so why settle for that?  Sometimes it makes me lonely.  But that is where my God has given me friends, family, and Himself.  Sometimes it makes me lose hope.  But God is working on a thing called patience and has promised that with patience comes joy - something that is not conditional... unless it excludes Him. 

I guess if Christianity is a problem, it is because it means I have to work toward my "one day" instead of settling for less and wishing I didn't.  It is a problem because less men will find me attractive... but if they haven't found God, then they haven't really seen me and how beautiful God has made me. 

I suppose it is only a problem because I choose to no longer be led by my skin.  My God loves me more than any man ever has and ever will.  And I feel that love more than I feel the sultry words of a love poem, more than I feel the excitement of a lustful kiss, and more than I feel in a lie that sounds as sweet as the truth I wish it was.

I am okay with the problem of Christianity.  Because my God has a love for me so big that it is unfathomable.  He has a love for me that I sometimes wonder why He feels I am worth it.  He has a love for me that no man can ever provide.  And as much as the loneliness can hurt sometimes, I believe that my Father is sitting beside me waiting for me to feel His embrace.

Christianity is my filter.  My faith helps me see through the skin in search of God in others.

I think Christianity is a problem... for mankind who cannot see past the fleshly desires of the world. 

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ,

that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

-- Maya Angelou

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When He Answers

God answers prayers.  Many times we pray for something we think we want or need.  Lots of times we pray only for those things and when WE think we need them answered.

Last year I prayed to get out of my current base.  I focused on just leaving, not really putting any thought into where.  Instead I just wanted OUT.  I applied to an opening in Colorado where my brothers reside.  Not once.  Not twice.  But three times.  I got denied over and over again.  And shortly after that last time, I got orders to deploy instead.

While I was deployed I was faced with so many challenges and I grew so much closer to God!  Since I've been back I've focused on just doing God's will through prayer and endurance.  And I've been so blessed, seeing His work time after time in many things and through many people.  But I still needed a prayer answer.  I didn't pray to leave my current station like I did last year.  But for something I knew was a real need.  Help.

I know there are tons of women out there raising their kids on their own with little to no support.  But my heart has been aching for help.  Strapped for cash and pinned to a schedule that demands after hour childcare, I wept after spending about $200 in just one month's worth of babysitting on top of my already high weekly daycare costs.  I had no choice but to start bringing my kids to work with me on evening and weekend shifts.  My prayer from last year changed from escape to support.

There was yet another opening in Colorado.  I applied.  This time I prayed:  "Father, I applied because this assignment would bring me closer to family who will provide me with help.  I applied because the next time I deploy my kids will have an easier transition to a motherless six months.  But if this is not Your will, God, I pray you will guide me.  I pray, Lord, that you will bring me someone who can help me.  A friend.  Someone I can trust with my kids who won't leave me scrapping for change.  Father, I just pray that you will help me see how YOU plan to help me instead of me trying to figure it out on my own.  I thank you for all you've already done and for everything you will do.  In Jesus' name I pray these things.  Amen."

A week later I received an assignment notification to Colorado.  It never ceases to amaze me when I'm reminded how awesome our God is.  When you talk to God, acknowledging the struggles you're enduring and asking Him to help you see what He wants you to do about, He answers.  It may not be the way you want or expect it.  It may not be the time you're asking.  It may not even be the specific thing you think you need.  He knows your heart and your situation.  He just wants you to trust in Him to guide you.

If I got my assignment to Colorado last year, I wouldn't have been tasked to deploy.  That deployment brought me closer to God than I've ever been in my entire life!  God knows what He's doing.  He already had plans for me.  While I was praying for escape from my current base, He was sitting back saying, "Hold on for a little bit.  I've got something better in mind."

Now, after my deployment, I will be leaving this base a better woman of God than I was last year.  I will be arriving at a new base with Him at my side.  I am getting that assignment I wanted at a better time in my life than I was when I was asking for it.

I pray that I will continue to remember the kind of God He is and to always trust in Him with everything in my life.  And I pray that I will live my life the way He wants me to live.  I thank Him so much for who He is!  Not just for what He's done but for being God.  In Jesus' name I pray these things.  Amen.

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How Much Do You Love?

"Look!  My arm's gone!"

I looked over at Caden, who had shoved one of his arms out of his sleeve and into his shirt, attempting to appear as if his arm was missing.  It was bedtime and we were in the middle of one of our bedtime songs. 

At bedtime, we all lay down together and I lead them in prayer.  We thank God for everything He has given us, everything He has allowed us to endure, and for His wonderful mercy and grace.  Then after prayer, Caden asks me to "say" about Patrick.  So we go into a small quiet discussion about Patrick which leads into Caden's requests to visit him.  There are times when I have to correct him because when I speak about Patrick, Caden will start praying to him.  LOL  It's pretty cute when he interrupts me and says "Dear Patrick, thank you for giving me a car.  And thank you for hugging us.  And thank you..." and so on.  I usually have to tell him that we can call Patrick instead of praying to him.

After the Patrick discussion, I'll sing them one or two bedtime songs.  So the other night, I was in the middle of a song when Caden shoved his arm into his sleeve, pretending his arm is gone.  Aware that he was just stalling sleep, I was too amused to remind him it was bedtime.  Instead, I entertained it which lead to the sweetest thing.

My eyes widened and I stopped my singing.  "Caden!  What happened to your arm?"

His eyes widened in response and he said, "I don't know!  It's gone!"

So I turned to Sean, who had now sat up in bed, and said, "Sean, Caden's arm is gone!"

Sean frowned at Caden, who was now wiggling an armless shoulder and waving his other arm.  "Where'd it go?" Sean asked, concerned.  He glanced around the bed and blamed the dog for taking it (which is a regular thing lately).

"No," I said, "he didn't take it.  Where did Caden's arm go?" 

Finally Sean held his right arm with his left hand and said, "I get you one, Caden!"  He began pulling his right arm, then moved onto pulling his hand instead.  "I can't do it!  I can't do it!"  I realized then that he was trying to give his own arm to Caden!

Finally, Caden sprouted his missing arm and said, "It's okay, Sean!  It came back!"

After big hugs and kisses, I settled them back down for bed and we all slept soundly together.  But before I drifted off to sleep, I couldn't help giggling at the sight of Sean trying to take his own arm off to give to his one-armed brother.  After my giggle fit, my heart just sighed and I asked myself why kids were so much quicker to give their own arm for another than we adults.

Have you ever given whatever you had for someone else who needed it?  Have you ever loved someone else enough that you'd sacrifice your own money, time, clothes, etc just so they could have what they needed?  Have you ever given a shoeless person the shoes off your own feet?  This is the kind of love God has for us.

He loved the world so much that He has given His only begotten son.  So many of us know that bible verse, yet lots of times we forget to actually feel it.  We don't relate to it enough to actually appreciate how much God loves us.  Imagine having a son and then sacrificing him to pain and suffering that would lead to his death just for the lives of others.  Others who don't know it even happened.  Others who do and turn the other way.  Others who don't believe it.  And others who will hurt others.  Thankfully there are some who do know it's true.  Some who thank our God for His love.  And some who realize that He loves us THAT much and so they choose to live their lives for Him as best as they can.

It is amazing to me how children can have a love like this so much more than adults or at least quicker to act on it.  It's because the world hasn't had a grip on them, they haven't been molded by the world.  It makes me hug them tighter and touch their faces, praying that I can lead them to keeping God's work on them fresh and unspoiled.

I thank God for His wonderful works, His saving grace and love for me.  I pray for his forgiveness of my sins.  And I pray that He will keep my eyes and ears open to the daily reminders he sends me that tells me He is here with me at all times.  I pray these things in Jesus' name, Amen. 

May you have a wonderful day.

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Too Blessed

I have a confession to make.  Returning to my home unit after deployment was a scary thought.  Scary enough that I started losing weight about a month before leaving my deployed unit.  In fact, I acted as if I wasn't leaving.  Up until the week prior to my departure, people would ask when my last day was and I'd spout out the date and would shrug nonchalantly when they raised their eyebrows in surprise and said, "Wow!  That's coming up quick!"  I procastinated in starting my out-processing checklist.  It was like a big black spot on a good article in a magazine.  Even though I knew it was there, I'd try to read around it anyway and just get annoyed that it's there in the first place.  I used the "If I pretend it isn't there, I won't deal with it." concept to cope with it.  The truth is, I was scared shitless.

I didn't exactly enjoy my home unit.  I've served here since the summer of '07 and haven't yet taken a liking to it.  Not that the location is bad.  The town is small and quiet, just the way I like it.  There is a beach just minutes from my base.  If I want a woodsy environment, Patrick lives a few hours north of me and his home is in a tiny quiet town surrounded by trees and country life.  Cost of living is fair.  The local people are equipped with charming southern hospitality.  So... I'm stationed in a great location.  Could it be the base and its mission?


No.  The base is fairly large with great facilities.  The mission is... well, it's a mission.  Not a special mission but a normal one that requires the average amount of sacrifice from its people.  I don't have to work nights and worry about not seeing my children.  I don't work 12 hours a day.  Nothing ridiculous is asked of me.


I think it's my job.  The unit is small enough to be considered a family and large enough that you can pick out a favorite.  Like all families, there are cliques and "cool" people, the weird folks and the "black sheep."  There's gossip and manipulation.  But there's also kind of that "No one picks on my brother but me" mentality.  And right before I deployed, there was some gossip about me that was spread.  Even though I knew better than to take it personally, I did.  It hurt my feelings and humiliated me.  So, the thought of going back really stressed me.

I've prayed a lot and God has put it on my heart to return with an open mind. And all I've been doing since I've been back is observing, analyzing and adjusting. Whether I like it here or not doesn't matter, it's the attitude I plan to have about it.  Instead of coming to work with a scowl on my face, I've been polite and determined to get my work done.  And to be honest, having a better attitude about it has actually helped me cope with being here.  I feel... content.

Ephesians, Chapter 4 Verses 11-13 says "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

After lots of prayer, I finally asked myself "Who am I to complain?"  Honestly, I am just a silly human.  I didn't create the world.  Or the universe.  I am not entitled to anything.  God has blessed me with a job, where others are jobless.  I have a home, where others are homeless.  And I have my children, when others have lost their own.  I am blessed!  God has kept me from being too poor to feed my family.  He has given me family to be with my kids while I was deployed.  He has shown me so much love and grace.  I have nothing to complain about.  Nothing at all. 

I learned something really neat last week.  It is kind of a guide to prayer.  It isn't a rule or anything, but something that helps us pray with integrity.  It uses the acronym of ACTS.  Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication.  Here's something I found on ACTS:

ACTS (Click here for the source)One structure for prayer is given by the acronym "ACTS", representing adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication (or intercession.)  This is one order, where we start off focusing on who God is, and praising him for that. Others find a CATS pattern helpful, beginning by clearing out of the way the things that sadden God in our lives, before we can go onto praise him.  Let's look briefly at each in turn : 
Adoration is to adore God, to worship him and to fulfil the commandment to love him with all of our heart, mind and soul. As we spend time in adoration, we praise God for who He is - our Creator, our Sustainer and our Redeemer. (more about praise and adoration.)
Confession allows us to clear away the things in the relationship between you and God which are displeasing to Him.  All of us have sinned. St John writes in his epistle "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (I Jn 1:8,9)  (more about confession.)
Thanksgiving.  From childhood we are brought up to say "Thank You" when someone does something for us, or gives us a gift.  Each moment God is blessing us, every minute we can recall the wonderful things that God has done for us, and the gifts that we have been given. And so, we need to be constantly thanking God for his blessings. In writing to Timothy, Paul makes it clear that we also need to be giving thanks for everyday, worldly things " I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—  for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness." 1 Tim 2:1.

With all this said, I've got to repeat that I'm pretty darn content.  :)

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The Dream Guy

I remember when my dream guy had a face.  Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.  Some girls have a blonde haired, blue eyed, tanned body dream guy.  Some liked the dark haired mysterious guys.  Mine had that messy long brown hair that was pulled back in a low pony tail.  He was tanned and tall.  He had a stubble on his face.  He was bold, daring and deeply in love with me.  Yes, he was a character in my favorite romance novel.  Gosh, I’m such a girl.

Now, I’m a single mom of two little guys and I still have my dream guy.  He doesn’t have a face anymore.  Okay, okay I’m madly in lust with Mark Harmon (YUMM).  And yeah, I sure do have a thing for George Clooney.  But my dream guy?  The guy I want to marry?  He is more than just a face.  He has a heart.  And I’ve come to realize over the years that when you put a face on your dream guy, or in other words go after men just for their superficial qualities, you don’t ever get what you actually want or need from your dream guy.

My dream guy is a man after God’s heart.  He is a Christian, and he won’t ever be perfect but he will love me like Christ loves the church.  And that love is a verb, not just a name to a feeling.  He will protect me, guide me and treat me kindly.  He will raise our children to love Christ and walk the Christian life.  He will be the head of the household, top of the hierarchy in our home, but will never treat us as slaves nor will he lie or keep secrets.  He loves to read his bible and discuss with me our thoughts about what we’ve learned. 

But having a dream guy isn’t just about “having” a dream guy.  It’s about visualizing a partner and since it is, it comes with visualizing what our relationship will be.  It means learning what it takes to be a good partner for this dream guy.

God made Eve for Adam.  He made her to be his friend, helpmate and companion.  She is submissive to him.  Submission.  Don’t we ladies cringe at that word?  It’s been abused for so many years that when we hear it, we stand taller with our chin in the air and defend our women’s rights.  But submission isn’t something to fear or hate, I believe it is exactly what the bible teaches us—to be alpha-female in the household.  To be the man’s co-pilot and Second in Command.  We women are our dream guy’s treasure, his companion and without us he is incomplete.  We submit to him, not the way a dog cowers before its master, but as a queen looks up to her king.  As his queen, I’m quite important to my dream guy.

My dream guy looks to me for guidance just as I look to him.  He is a man accountable for the spiritual wholeness of his family and he cannot do it on his own.  He trusts in me, shows me love and affection.  He needs me.  God made us different for such a beautiful reason!  The man is protective, responsible and logical while the woman is nurturing, intelligent and kind.  Together, we make one powerful couple! 

Take an expensive car, for example.  Say, a Ferrari!  This car is wicked fast, powerful and gorgeous.  It is wonderful to look at and watch.  But it does no good without a driver-- a responsible driver, knowledgeable of what it takes to maintain this beast of a vehicle.  The driver pays a heft price for tires, good oil and expensive parts.  If you haven’t gotten it by now, I’m pretty much saying that my dream guy is like a Ferrari and he needs one fantastic driver to make him do what Ferraris are meant to do.

A man after God’s heart is an awesome follower of Christ.  He has the Holy Spirit living in him.  When people are in his presence, they know something is special about him.  It’s not because he’s physically beautiful nor is it because he’s good at his job.  It’s in the way he treats others.  It’s in his loyalty to God and his family.  It is in his forgiveness and grace.  His wife stands strong beside him, supportive and encouraging.  He treats her as if she was his queen.  He is faithful to her and never turns his back on her.  And she loves him by treating him as if he were the most important thing to her beneath God. 

You may not believe the same things I do.  And that’s okay.  I’m just talking about my dream guy.  Of course I’d love to know that every woman wants a Christian man, but I’m not writing this to try to convert you.  I write this because for so long I’ve had this dream of having a man in my life who loves me with all his heart.  That dream was filled with romantic fantasy.  But now, after being saved through Christ, I want a man who will only build me up in my relationship with God.  I want a man who won’t be melancholy in his faith.  He has to burn with desire for Christ.  If he isn’t a man after God’s heart, he will simply distract me from my God or pull me away from Him.  And after knowing God, I will not be torn from His arms by some handsome, charming guy.

I made a promise to God, my kids and myself that if I ever get married again it will be with a man I will not divorce.  My family will never be perfect, but we will be right with God.  We will be strong!

I hope that whomever your dream guy is, that he is not someone whom you’ve deemed made specifically and only for your own selfish pleasure.  I pray that he is someone who will love you.  I hope that your dream guy will be more than you’ve hoped and prayed for.  And that you both will be one powerful couple.

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Cagebound?

I took in this bird once.  He was a cockatiel that came in a ratty old cage, which barely gave him enough room to spread his wings.  I could tell it hadn't been cleaned in a long time.  He was terrified of people.  He didn't play with the toys in his cage.  He spent his days sitting on his perch staring through his bars.  I'd catch him singing once in a while and when I would walk past, he'd stop.  I came to the conclusion that he had never been handled, simply left in the cage to entertain himself.  I named him Corwin. 

Anytime I took an animal in, I researched its species and breed to make sure I knew how to properly care for it.  I learned that birds require lots of handling at a young age so that they can get used to people.  They've gotta be socialized and made part of the family.  Owners have to let them out of their cages so that they can get their exercise and work on socializing.  They've gotta be spoken to and handled gently.  Doing these things makes these (and many other types of birds) fantastic pets!  They can be entertaining and are very smart.  And they can be so affectionate!  But left alone in a cage is kind of like leaving a dog tied up outside with little to no interaction with humans.

Corwin was absolutely terrified of me, of anyone that came close to his cage.  He hissed, shuddered and turned his back to me.  He wouldn't eat if I was around.  If I stuck my hand in his cage to clean it or change out his food and water, he'd hiss and try to bite.  The poor thing had absolutely no trust in me!  One of the things I learned about him and other unsocialized birds is that they get cagebound. 

If I left the cage door open, that bird would not even attempt to venture out.  His cage was his security!  He wanted nothing to do with the big world outside the bars.  And I couldn't blame him!  If I were him, I wouldn't know how good things could be outside the cage.  I wouldn't know where the predators were, when they would get me and where all the safe spots were.  It would be terrifying!  And today I realized that being deployed here is kind of my little birdcage.

I don't know how other deployment sites are, but out here we are confined in such a small place.  Basically a box lined with barbed wire.  We make jokes about being detainees in the camp penn.  A place where you can get glimpses of the sky if you can see between the roofs.  A place where smokers play cards and bet cigarettes.  A place where sleep is filled with the noises of weapons clearing, gym weights clinking and night shifters laughing.  We get our three meals a day, our laundry is done for us as long as we turn it in at the right times.  We find musical people and beg them to play music for us on a Saturday night in the smoke pit where we're allowed no more than two beers.  The routine rarely changes unless we do something really cool like an orphanage or outstation visit.  Once a week, we can play a movie from a projector.   And when someone gets a teddy bear in the mail from a loved one, their eyes light up and everyone else's look down.

Many of us get so used to this that when we do go to the outstations where the pace, noises and foods are different, we can't wait to return.  When I was in the big city doing the shopping for Christmas supplies, I had a big beautiful bed that I couldn't sleep without waking up because of the deafening silence. 

Being here in this small "prison," I've learned the value of my job.  I've grown in my walk with Christ.  I've felt the Holy Spirit in me!  I feel as if I am a totally different person, renewed with clear, wide eyes.  I've shed my past sins and have regained my footing in this path.  I've seen things out here that have proven God right and I can't do anything but feel so blessed.

Knowing that I'll be going back home soon, back to real life, I'm realizing how scared I am!  Sure it's going to be great having a bathroom right down the hall from a bedroom that is all mine and a bed that isn't only twice as wide as I am.  Sure I'll get to actually go to my own home as soon as it's the end of the workday.  But I can't imagine not sleeping just around the corner from my office.  And not running through a gym to get to the bathroom at 5am.  And sleeping in a bedroom all by myself without hearing the sounds of weapons being cleared.

I'm sure that after a week, I'll be back to my old routine doing the same things I'd done before I deployed.  I know that as soon as I get to hold my kids in my arms, I'll remember why I was deployed in the first place.  I guess right now I just feel scared of leaving the box I've gotten to grow comfortable in.  I feel... cagebound.  I'm scared that I will forget the teachings I've learned from Christ through my bible, worship services, and my sisters.  I'll be without my sisters and my chaplain. I'm scared to go off on my own and BE this new person that God has revealed.

After what seemed like forever, Corwin finally started to trust me more.  I took baby steps with him, first sitting by his cage for a few minutes throughout the day just to talk softly to him.  When I reached into his cage, I spoke gently and moved slowly, careful not to make any threatening moves.  After some time, I offered him a bowl of food.  And after a little bit of time after that, he ate out of that bowl-- sometimes he'd stand on the rim of the bowl.  And after that?  He ventured out of his cage.

The difference between Corwin and I is that I KNOW the goodness outside of my cage.  I've felt freedom before.  And my adjustment will only be exercised with remembering how to embrace it and appreciating everything I took for granted.  I'm not sure if he had ever felt that before.  But I do know that it took a lot of courage for him to climb outside his secure little ratty, old cage that he had spent so much of his life in.  And he let go of his fears of the unknown.

In Deuteronomy 1:6,-8 The Lord our God said, "You have stayed long enough at this mountain.  Break camp and advance into the hill country of the Amorites; go to all the neighboring peoples in the Arabah; go to all the neighboring peoples in the Arabah, in the mountains, in the western foothills, in the Negev and along the coast, to the land of the Canaanites and to Lebanon, as far as the great river, the Euphrates.  See, I have given you this land. Go in and take possession of the land that the Lord swore he would give to your fathers--to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob--and to their descendants after them."

God has taken me away from my old life, placed me in an entirely new environment with strangers and led me straight to him through them!  My time here was spent appreciating all of the beautiful things He has given me, learning through scriptures the wonders He had done in the past and the amazing things He has waiting for me!  My time here is done.  School is out.  It's now time for me to take possession of this new life He has given me. 

I pray that He will hold me close in my new adventures and whisper reminders should I ever forget He's right by my side in every dark alley.

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Prayers

Prayers are interesting.  Reading that, my Christian brothers and sisters might be thinking, “What do you mean ‘interesting?’ Prayers are incredible!”  And yes, they are incredible!  But for the new believer and for believers who forget, prayers are indeed interesting too.  Throughout the bible, you will find that when people have prayed they “cried out” to God.  And God listened.  They had a remarkable relationship with Him.  He was a living God and not some Santa Claus in the sky.  When they were in need, they cried out to Him.  And when they worshipped, they praised Him with joy. 

God does listen.  And He does answer prayers.  And that’s the scary part—how do we know?  As a new believer, I prayed for things I thought I needed.  And I prayed for things I knew I needed.  And when God answered, it was never the way I expected. 

For instance, last year I was struck heavily with financial burden.  I wasn’t receiving child support.  So I prayed desperately for financial help, expecting Him to change X’s heart and pay the child support.  Instead, God worked through the people around me.  One person suggested Angel Food Ministries for groceries.  Someone suggested I see a financial counselor about budgeting.  And people around me including my deployed brother helped me financially.  So, although I prayed for financial help and expected child support, God gave me even more!  He gave me a family.  He gave me resources.  And He enlightened me to manage my budget so well I could lead a class on it.  He answered my prayers and gave me what He knew I needed and not what I thought I needed.  And not in the way I thought I should have them answered.  Sometimes when you pray, you’ve got to really invest some time to think about what you’re asking for.

A friend of mine told me a story about how his own friend prayed for more time with his family.  He worked a lot and barely saw his wife and kids.  Well, he lost his job.  And at first, he asked God what that was all about.  “I prayed for one thing and I got fired.”  What he realized only later is that, he had an opportunity to spend more time with his family and losing his job brought him and his wife closer together as she helped him find a new one.  God works in ways we can’t imagine.  And sometimes when He answers prayers, we don’t always hear Him.

Last night, my prayer was answered and it didn’t dawn on me until moments after it happened.  Lately, I’ve been praying for God to help me stay with Him.  Meaning, I wanted to follow Him.  I wanted to have a relationship with Him.  But like all humans, I stray.  I curse a lot, something I rarely did pre-deployment.  I smoke more than my lungs can handle.  And I fight the urge to judge people in my mind.  So I’ve been praying for God to work in my life, to keep me walking with Him and to let me hear Him when He sees me walking away and He calls me back to Him.  In worship service last night, I prayed with all my heart.  In desperation my heart cried out to Him, telling Him I wanted to follow Him but that I have trouble fighting the human side of me.  By the end of the service, I knew He heard my prayer.

When I got to my room, my roommate Anna (also my bible study sister) and I were chatting from the other sides of our curtain dividers.  She told me, “I have a book for you.”  Intrigued, I opened my curtain and she stood there with a book, Forgotten God by Francis Chan.  “It is about the Holy Sprit,” she began.  “I’ve noticed that you have a really good understanding about God and our relationship with Him.  But you’ve told me before how you have trouble referring to scriptures that talk about how Christ lives in us.  And this book is about the Holy Spirit.”  I was humbled.  In our bible reading sessions, I always have a hard time using scriptures as examples or references and she got me a book that would help.  “A lot of people automatically know the Godhead—the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  But most of us only focus on the Father and the Son and we forget the Holy Spirit.  I think it could help you.”  I hugged her, touched by such a gift.

Later as I sat in the smoke pit, I picked up the book and started reading.  In the second page of the Introduction, page 16, Chan says “If I were Satan and my ultimate goal was to thwart God’s kingdom and purposes, one of my main strategies would be to get churchgoers to ignore the Holy Spirit.” (para 3)  Immediately I thought, “Oh my gosh, she thinks I’m one of those people who go to church but don’t really even live their lives as Christians.  She thinks I just go to service and bible study and put on my Christian veil and then take it off as soon as I leave!” 

And then I asked myself, “Well, do I live a Christian life?”  And that’s when it hit me.  God answered my prayer through Anna.  No, I don’t believe she saw me as a fake Christian.  If I looked at myself as an outsider, I would see a pretty good person.  I don’t gossip.  I don’t hurt people.  I love helping others.  Sure I curse and smoke, but I never treat others unkindly.  When I think about it, I am indeed a pretty good human.  And Anna knew because of our discussions, that I honestly had trouble referring to the bible for guidance on how to live my life.  And this book is simply that—a book that reminds us about the Holy Spirit and that when It lives inside us, our lives really do change!  She wasn’t judging me and telling me I needed to be more Christian-like, she saw that I needed help.  God heard my prayer and worked through Anna to give me something that could help me “stay with Him” as I prayed so desperately for.

And not only did He answer my prayer, He answered it the way He knew was an amazing way.  He didn’t just peek through the clouds and command, “Combat Boots Mama, REMEMBER TO FOLLOW ME!”  He’s God, isn’t He?  He could do that.  But he DIDN’T.  He chose to use Anna, who just glows in Christianity, to help me.  By doing that, he gave me someone human I could relate to and connect with.  Someone who could help me stay on my walk with Christ.  He gave me a friend.

How awesome is God?  We will never stop being surprised at what He’ll do next.  I am so grateful for Him.

Thank You, Father, for being such an incredible God.  For being The God.  You have the power to move mountains just to show us You are there, but instead You choose to work in ways that are humble and ways that help us in more ways than we asked for.  So I thank You for all the good You have done in my life, whether they come through challenges or in the form of friendships.  In Jesus’ name, I praise You.  Amen.

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Daily Bible Reading Plan

A couple of ladies and I decided to start a bible reading group.  Wherever we were in our bible reading, we wouldn't stop our progress but we would all stick to one new reading plan so that every time we met, we would all discuss what we learned.  It's meant to add to and not replace, our growth with God.  After our first meeting, I was so excited and relieved to have someone to share my faith with!  I felt really connected with people who had love for and given their lives to Christ.

To help me learn from and retain what I read, I've decided to start a reading journal.  In the journal, I'll describe the overall chapter(s) and what we ladies have discussed about it.  I'll also talk about my feelings and/or experiences relating to what I've read.

If I wrote a journal on the reading, it'll be linked in the list below.  I'll try to post them as often as I can!

Daily Bible Readings

Day 1:  Creation and Temptation

Genesis 1-3

Day 2:  Remembrance

Joshua 1-5

Day 3:  Prophecy

Psalms 1-2

Day 4:  The Test

Job 1-2

God's Sorrow and Judgment
Isaiah 1-6

A King is Born
Matthew 1-2

Paul Reminds Us About The Law
Romans 1-2

Commitment and Faith
Genesis 4-7

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Your Shame vs. God's Love

Romans 8:38-39 says "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

If you're a Christian, have you ever felt like your sins are bigger than God? Like no one knows the things you've done, thought or said. And your natural instinct is to hide with your shame.

It is truly amazing to feel those things and then to be reminded that NOTHING is bigger than God. God's love is bigger than anything we can ever imagine. And no matter what we've done, he will never love us any less. It doesn't mean we won't have to face consequences. But it means that we can ask for forgiveness and give our burdens to God.

This video is absolutely beautiful. It makes me cry each time I watch it. Let it load, it's about ten minutes long. But it's so worth it.

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Remember

It is during the times we need God the most that we are at our lowest and our faith is dangling before us.  You know the feeling.  When something bad has happened, when you’ve done something bad yourself, when the distance from home just never seems to lessen or when you’ve looked up at that mountain you’ve been climbing and all of a sudden it’s towering over you and you start to believe that maybe you’re just never going to get to the top.  You’re desperate.  You’re hurting.  You’re tired.  You’re giving God an ultimatum, or maybe begging Him to take the hurt away or to somehow undo what has been done.  It is during these times that we need our memories as proof to us that God has and always will be there to carry us. 

In Joshua, Chapter 4, after God stopped the Jordan River from flowing so that Joshua could lead the Isrealites across safely, God commanded Joshua to

“Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, ³ and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.”  God told Joshua and Joshua told the men that these stones would be a memorial of the time that God had stopped the river from flowing so that they could get across safely. 

God is there for us through our sorrows and pains.  For each of these times we should make some type of memorial so that the next time we are in need of Him and find ourselves feeling alone, we could remember when he's been there.  We don't have to build a memorial, but we can do something in our own way so that that everytime we look at it we can remember that through our darkest times God was there for us and we'll know that He will never leave us.

There's a song called "I Will Sing, I Will Praise" by Don Moen.  When I hear it, I cry.  It reminds me that even when it's hard to have faith I know that He is there.  Here is just the first verse with the chorus:

Lord You seem so far away
A million miles or more it feels today
And though I haven't lost my faith
I must confess right now
That it's hard for me to pray
But I don't know what to say
And I don't know where to start
But as You give the grace
With all that's in my heart

Chorus:
I will sing I will praise
Even in my darkest hour
Through the sorrow and the pain
I will sing I will praise
Lift my hands to honor You
Because Your Word is true
I will sing

I'm starting a project for my kids and I.  I'm going to write a kids book for each time we've gone through a storm and God has sheltered us.  It will serve as our own memorial for the times God has followed through with His promises.  And it'll build and strengthen faith for God in my kids' and my life.

I'm so grateful tonight for all the times my faith has faltered and God has not.

I'll post updates to this in the Mommy Projects section.

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Prayer Request

While you're deployed, you're far from friends and family.  The challenges are harder to face and your loved ones have to deal with things without you.  When your family is struggling and you aren't there to help, you feel completely powerless.  And understandably so.

And sometimes all you can do is pray.  Someone dropped a prayer request in a prayer box and I wanted to post it so that the prayer is heard and maybe others might include them in their prayers. 

Here's the request, minus the names:
"I pray that God shows me a way to alleviate my family's financial burdens.  That my wife has help with caring for our three chldren."

So here's my prayer for this warrior:
Father, I pray tonight for this individual.  He has called out to you for help.  Lord, you have helped me many times during my own financial struggles and so I pray that you keep this family in your arms, close to you so that they may hear your answers.  I pray for strength and faith in you while his wife is taking on the parenting without her other half.  Lord I pray that you send this family friends and support to help them cope with their struggles.  And I pray that their faith in you is strong and that they know that you know everything in their hearts, like a father knows his children.  Lord I thank you, that this person has turned to you.  I pray all of these things in Jesus' name.  Amen.

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Lack of Child Support

In one of my earlier blogs I mentioned the word “child support” with a disclaimer that I’ll talk about that in another blog.  Well here it is.  This is my take on my situation with the lack of child support.

Link to Kickball Video

I went to a bible study a few weeks ago and we watched a short video clip called Kickball.  You’ve gotta watch it.  I even put the link up for ya.  Check it out.  Anyway, it’s about a little boy who really wants this ball and his parents don’t get it for him.  He really, really wants it and the poor little guy puts up a big tantrum and is just truly sad.  You know the sadness in the child when they put that big frown on their face and their heart is just low in their belly because they think they really need that ball.  What he didn’t know was that the ball he wanted was actually meant to be tethered to his wrist and was a safety hazard for a kid of his age.  What he also didn’t know was that his parents were already taking him to get a kickball, something they knew he would love and would enjoy for a long time. 

The moral of the story was that sometimes we think we know what we need, but we usually don’t realize that God might already have something bigger and better planned for us. 

When the judge first ordered X to pay child support, I was really happy.  A budget for two young kids in daycare (and one in diapers) is really a lot of stress for a single mom.  I was looking forward to getting some relief.  When X refused to pay and instead spent his money on dining out and expensive gifts for himself, I spent the next couple of months really angry.  I believed our kids had a right to that money, deserved that money!  I was so focused on that child support that I did nothing but stress over it.

After those two months, I turned to God instead.  I began to let go of the issue and instead focused really hard on how to deal with the situation.  I did an excellent job at sticking to a really strict budget, found a great opportunity to save on groceries by turning to Angel Food Minstries, and eliminated any excess expenditures like cable and internet. 

I prayed and had full faith in God that as long as I did my part, He would provide.  And He did.  My brother sent me money to help with daycare and diapers.  I utilized thrift stores for things like cooking utensils and other household items.  I even conserved apple juice by only giving the kids water topped with a little juice (which, by the way, got me extra points at the pediatrician office for giving my kids healthier beverages).  When we ran out of oatmeal, I made rice porridge. 

And here’s where it gets so much sweeter.  My friend, John, long-distance ordered a pizza for the kids and me on evening.  For Thanksgiving, a wonderful friend of mine surprised us with a turkey.  And Christmas?  A wonderful support group put my kids’ names on the list for the Angel Tree and even put money together to give me gift cards so that I could have some “me” stuff. 

The kickball:  Family.  I never got my child support.  Even until now.  But God gave me a family of people who supported and encouraged me.  God told me, “Don’t worry about him and the child support.  I have you.  I’ll take care of you.  You do your part.  Let me do mine.”  And like a father provides for his children, God gave me something even greater than money.  He gave me a family.  And I thank Him so much for this.  It is the sweetest type of child support a mother could receive.

So that’s my take on not receiving child support.  I could be bitter.  I could spend my life angry about not getting what’s due to me and my children.  I could call X names, harass him, and spend my life hating him.  Or… I could just keep my faith in God and trust that He has my back.  I think the latter not only requires so little but gives so much more than I can even imagine.

So, if you’re not getting child support and you’re struggling and literally making lemonade out of lemons because you’re out of apple juice, put your faith in God.  He knows everything we’re going through, every hurt in our hearts, and every thought in our head.  Let him hold you and tell you, “Don’t you worry.  Dad’s got you.”  And let Him provide.

What a wonderful way for me to end the night—writing about this makes me smile.  Ah, what a good feeling it is to know that God’s got my back.

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The Jonah in Me

Went to worship service today and we learned about Jonah.  The book of Jonah is in the Old Testament.  It talks about Jonah’s inner struggle with doing what God requests of him.  It was a pretty amazing story, actually.  God told Jonah to go to Nineveh and Jonah went the complete opposite direction because he did not want to go.

Well, God threw a storm at him, then created a huge fish (probably a whale or something) to swallow Jonah.  And it did.  Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of the whale before his prayers for forgiveness and promise to fulfill God’s request were answered.

When God let him out of the fish, Jonah went immediately to Nineveh and did what God told him to do.  But he was still very angry about doing it. 

You see, the Ninevites were very barbaric and merciless when they killed their enemies.  They were vicious, vicious people.  Their enemies died slow and torturous deaths.  And God sent Jonah to this city to preach the Word to them so their hearts could change and they could be saved.

Can you imagine being Jonah, told to go and preach the Word to murderers so that they could get to heaven?  It is such an honorable thing to be requested by our wonderful Father to save people.  But murderers?   People who tortured other people? 

While I was in the service, listening to the Word, I realized that my faith has always had a little hole in it.  Before I became saved, I had this ugly hardness in my heart about men who raped and molested children.  I remember learning about a man who was going to be executed after facing about 14 years in prison for participating in a gang rape and murder of two little girls of about 15 years old. 

The men were young at the time, probably around 18 years old or so.  Well, these two girls were walking home from school.  They took a shortcut.  They were attacked by a gang of guys.  They tried to get away, and one of them did escape.  But she ran back to try to help her friend.  The men beat and raped them both repeatedly.  When they were done, they took them into the woods where they strangled them with their shoe laces.  One pulled one end of the string and another guy pulled the other end.  The string actually broke and they then used belts to strangle them.

This story, as well as others, has always brought so much anger and pain to me.  It reminds me of my ex and the things he used to do to me.  I can imagine what these girls went through.  The fear, the pain.  Such cruelty.  It makes me sick.  It was stories like this and my own past experiences that kept me from coming to God in the beginning.

Like Jonah, I’m so quick to judge those who are so evil in their hearts.  I’m so quick to say they shouldn’t get the opportunity to get to heaven.  Why the hell should they after the horrific things they’ve done to people?

God is a compassionate god.  And I know He wants all his people to come to Him.  I know it’s not my right to judge others.  But it’s so hard for me to accept that with God, ALL things are possible—even the salvation of rapists.

So tonight was a reminder that I still have issues I need to pray about.  I still have a wall between God and me and I need to really work on taking it down. 

I told myself tonight that I need to pray about it.  To be honest, a part of me didn’t even want to.  A part of me WANTED to be hard and unmoved.  How do you take something like that, something like hate, out of your heart?  Maybe someone could pray for me so that I could have the will to pray for myself.

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Strong Little Boy

When I left X, my older son (I'll call him Caden) was about two and my younger son (Sean) was three months old.  Little guys.  Throughout the months following our departure, I would wonder if I was putting them through too much.  I felt truly ashamed for dragging them through such rough changes.  But I would remind myself that I was doing it to save them.

The night we left, I packed a gym bag of our clothes, a plastic bag of baby bottles, and a bag of diapers.  I had no where to go, so I took the kids to my office to think.  I called a women's shelter and was told that once I got there, I'd have to stay for a full forty-eight hours and couldn't leave until after.  I wanted to be able to see my victim advocate before the weekend, so I decided to try to find a place to stay for the night.

I dragged the kids to Wal Mart at ten at night because I didn't remember to bring any formula for Sean.  After that, I waited in line at a cheap hotel to see if they had any space.  My arms were full with Sean and the bags.  Caden was busy getting into everything a toddler could possibly manage and I was in and out of the line, trying to keep him from causing too much trouble.

Our room was a far walk from the parking lot.  I had Sean in my arms, the gym bag, the bottle bag, and the diaper bag.  Caden wanted to help, so I gave him the bottle bag.  As we walked, I'd keep my eye on Caden to make sure he was keeping up.  I was tired.  I was scared.  My arms ached and I had a migraine.  I wanted to just get to the room.  I found myself getting ahead of Caden and had to stop to wait for him.

Halfway to the room, I stopped and turned to wait for Caden and my heart dropped.

There he was, a two year old little kid, standing with a plastic bag almost as big as he was.  He had the biggest frown on his face and his eyes looked so heavy.  It was almost midnight.  He looked up at me, dropped the plastic bag and said, "I tired Mommy."

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I knelt down in front of him, setting the bags down.  "We're almost there, honey," I said.  I gave him a hug and kissed his cheek.  "We're almost there, okay?"

He nodded, the frown still on his face, and picked up the plastic bag.  "Come on," I said, trying to sound reassuring.  He said "Okay" and contined to walk with me.

During the next several months, they'd changed daycares, saw their dad on supervised visitations, moved to a different house, and went through more changes that I knew were stressful for them.  And my heart still breaks when I think of that frown and the little voice that said, "I tired Mommy." 

I pray every time I think of it that God will continue to bless us and to always guide me to making the right decisions for them.  I don't ever want to have to run again, dragging two innocent little kids with me.  Every decision I make that involves a change for them will always be made after remembering that frown.

I pray that I will always keep my eyes on God so that I would make the decision He wants me to make.

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