Before Christ saved me, I was okay with eating the scraps off the table of relationships. I was so desperate for "love" that I took whatever I could get. But Christ revealed to me how valuable I am. And I am no longer okay with sleazy men. I am no longer okay with flings.
Christ has cleaned my list of things I'm okay with. He has made me refuse to settle. And I'm left feeling as if no one in the world is left. And that is my problem with Christianity.
But is it a problem, really? Sometimes I think it makes being happy hard. But happiness is conditional, so why settle for that? Sometimes it makes me lonely. But that is where my God has given me friends, family, and Himself. Sometimes it makes me lose hope. But God is working on a thing called patience and has promised that with patience comes joy - something that is not conditional... unless it excludes Him.
I guess if Christianity is a problem, it is because it means I have to work toward my "one day" instead of settling for less and wishing I didn't. It is a problem because less men will find me attractive... but if they haven't found God, then they haven't really seen me and how beautiful God has made me.
I suppose it is only a problem because I choose to no longer be led by my skin. My God loves me more than any man ever has and ever will. And I feel that love more than I feel the sultry words of a love poem, more than I feel the excitement of a lustful kiss, and more than I feel in a lie that sounds as sweet as the truth I wish it was.
I am okay with the problem of Christianity. Because my God has a love for me so big that it is unfathomable. He has a love for me that I sometimes wonder why He feels I am worth it. He has a love for me that no man can ever provide. And as much as the loneliness can hurt sometimes, I believe that my Father is sitting beside me waiting for me to feel His embrace.
Christianity is my filter. My faith helps me see through the skin in search of God in others.
I think Christianity is a problem... for mankind who cannot see past the fleshly desires of the world.
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ,
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
Wow.I have been having a heck of a time waking up lately!I suck in the mornings.So my alarm rang at 0430 and I was thinking “Wow, okay, let me get up at 0445 so I can get the day started nice and calmly.”Nope.It was 5 til 0600 before I jumped out of bed in a mad dash to getting the kids up and the day started.So much for calm.I don’t go crazy, though.I remember going nuts once and I felt really bad because I was actually mad and the kids didn’t do anything to cause it.So I apologized to them and told them I was really mad at myself because I woke up late.After that, I always let them know if I’m in a hurry but I don’t take it out on them.The boys are such good sports about it.
On the way to the base, Caden told the car in front of us, “Come on, car, don’t you know my mom will be late?”Lol.I laughed and told him, “It’s okay, Caden.It’s not their fault I’m running late.”Then Sean said, “Well Mommy, is it YOUR fault?”Sigh.
Then I got to work (right on time, which is late, right?) and made it to our first-day-of-the-week 0730 meeting.Somehow I was able to spout off a list of agenda items for the week as if I had been thinking about it all morning long.I almost patted myself on the shoulder for appearing all smart and on top of things.
Then I had coffee and spent the day typing away. I even had a chance to make some creative side notes during a long meeting. At the end of the day I rushed off to the dry cleaners to drop off some uniforms.
The first day of the week is always a bit hard, isn’t it?
Kids And Their Words
Yesterday, I was doing homework on my computer in the living room while the boys were busy building Transformers and creating fight scenes.Well, Sean really really wanted to show me what he was doing.
Sean:
Mommy, look, Optimus tore this bad guy’s arms off!
Me:
Aww (obviously engrossed in homework)
Sean:
No, Mommy, it’s not “Aww”
Me:
(Turning to look at him)
What?
Sean:
It’s not “Aww” because the bad guy is a bad guy.
Me:
Just because he’s a bad guy doesn’t mean he’s bad… guy.(My Wreck-It Ralph moment)
Sean:
No, Mommy.It’s not funny.He’s really a bad guy and Optimus just tore his arms off.So it’s like this:Yeah!Go Optimus!
Movie Review
The latest movie craze in my home right now is Van Helsing.A little much for young kids, I know.But that was a lesson fail on my behalf.You see, Sean came up to me with the movie in his hand (he dug through the DVD binder) and told me he wanted to watch it.I told him it was scary, and he said he wouldn’t be scared.So I thought I won when he ran away during the opening scene.Then he ran away during the Mr. Hyde battle.Then he ran away during the were-wolf scene.And then… Dracula’s brides came.And they looked lovely.He particularly liked the blonde that said, “Too bad, so sad,” in her sexy Transylvanian accent.And Sean was hooked.He quickly got over his fear and now he wants to watch the whole movie over and over again.
If you’ve seen the movie, you know it rocks anyway.But, seriously?Do boys really start that young?
Random Pic From My Camera
If you haven't noticed, I just love coffee.
I know as I get older, I will have to cut down.
But it makes everything just right.
Work bosses are tolerable.
Gossipers are ignored.
Life is good.
Highlight Story
We were at McDonald’s yesterday.It was just the boys, a 1 yr old and a little girl.Well, Sean decided the best way to entertain a 1 year old was to repeated run across the room and crash into a wall, dramatically falling down onto the floor.I swear I wasn’t on drugs when I was pregnant with him.The floor at McDonald’s scares the life out of me.But that 1 year old sure did have a blast.As did Sean – I think he just needed an excuse to go crazy.
Current Obsession
For years, I’ve had the Trail of Painted Ponies on my shopping list on Amazon.I’ve never bought one because I’ve never been able to justify spending almost $40 on a decorative horse.There’s always something else that needs to be bought.But The Children’s Prayer Pony showed up on Amazon and I just fell in love.It’s beautiful.And he is sitting on my bookshelf at work right now.I’m so happy I got him!
I love country.I just do.It’s romantic.It’s fun.And it’s just plain country.Trace Adkins is a friggin country genius.This song, Hot Mama, just makes me feel… like a woman.What can I say?Check it out—Moms, it’ll really make you smile.
Featured Book
Silent To The Bone by E.L. Konisburg
This book captivated me from the very first page.It is easy to read, but man is it deep.It is about a teenaged boy who is accused of harming his infant sister to the point of putting her in a coma.His best friend, Connor, doesn’t believe he did it but the boy is not talking.It is a very touching book even in its simple words.
Here’s the Amazon review:
What happened on Wednesday, November 25, 2:43 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, to cause Branwell Zamborska to become mute? All anyone knows is that he called 911 because his baby sister, Nikki, had stopped breathing, and when he was unable to speak to the operator, Vivian, the English au pair, came on the line to say that Branwell had dropped the baby and shaken her. His best friend, Connor, begins visiting him at the juvenile behavioral center, where he has been sent while Nikki remains in a coma at the hospital. Working out a code they both can use, Connor begins the long process of trying to communicate with his friend to find out what really happened. With the help of his own half-sister and some canny detective work, Connor uncovers a complex, multilayered tale of human desires, adolescent confusion, and a touch of menace.
So this dude bought a cardboard box full of junk for $46 at an auction. One of the items in the box was a tiny painting. It hid in his drawer for, like almost ever, and well.... he finds out it's worth more than $390K! It's a painting done by John Constable. What the friggin heck. I'm definitely picking up yard sale shopping again.
Money Saving Tip
Use a calculator while you shop!! When you have a constant eye on how much you're spending, while you're spending, you become very cautious about your money. I've cut my grocery bills in half just by doing this. You'll start to really ask yourself if you really need what you're putting in that cart. Or if you really need that brand. Lots of store brand items are just as good-- and you can choose to go with a name brand item if it really means a lot to you. But seriously, bring that calculator. Try it. I'd love to know your thoughts after you do!
Random Opinion
Facebook Isn't Everything
Would you say privately to another Facebook friend something you posted on Facebook? I know, I know. Ponder that one for me.
I've been guilty of posting a rant about something another Facebook friend posted on their page. I didn't use his/her name. I didn't call them out. But I knew damn well that if he/she read it, they'd know I was talking about them and if they confronted me, all I would say is, "No not you." We all do it. But I lost my friendship with someone because we both disagreed with each other about something and we both posted our opinions on Facebook as if we were debating without talking to each other. Once I lost her friendship, I realized my childish mistake.
It is a common behavior when it comes to social media. So many people fall into this mindset that just because we're behind a computer, we can't be held accountable for our actions. But we're wrong. If we truly love and respect our friends and family, we need to stop. If we want to be credible, we need to stop.
If you have a problem with a Facebook friend, confront them privately. Otherwise, it's almost another form of bullying. Actually, I think it IS a form of bullying. Calling people out on Facebook without using their names is cowardly. It makes others feel sorry for you and rally to your side and get you to feel validated, but that other person wasn't even given the opportunity to resolve the issue. You have brought others into your two-person conflict. The more I write, the more I do believe it is bullying.
Look, I love Facebook. I'm all over it! It is a wonderful way to connect with family and friends. It's a quicker way to share pictures and precious moments. It's a way to watch your nieces and nephews grow from afar. But it is not everything.
Like I said earlier, it is not a good way to vent about things another Facebook friend is doing to you. If you have a problem with that person, handle it privately. By putting that on Facebook, you let everyone else know -- and not only do they not need to know, they are put in a really uncomfortable position of trying to console you without getting involved.
Facebook is not a good way to pick on your friends about why your beliefs are right and theirs are not. Everyone has a right to their own opinions, beliefs and values. These things are part of their character, it is who they are. Why take that away from them?
Facebook is not a good way to seek therapy. Your friends and family love you. And it is good to ask for advice. But if you continually post drama and don't take advice, it comes off as attention-seeking and people get tired of trying to take care of someone whom they really can't help. If you really need help, seek a therapist. They really do help!
I'm not perfect and I slip up too. But I believe I have grown from making these mistakes. And I really hope others do too. If we truly want happiness, it is in our own hands. We can change our lives. Others cannot do this for us.
I guess I'll end this on an inspirational note with a quote from Thomas Chalmers:
The grand essentials of life are something to do, something to love, something to hope for.
Holiday
Labor Day started off funny this morning. First, Bruce decided to chase bunnies on his morning walk. The bunnies around the apartment are hilarious. They aren't scared of anything and when Bruce chased them, they ran until he was at the end of his leash and then they just sat there staring at him. I just know they were laughing.
We're going to stay home today and clean the apartment. The boys are happy with that as long as I let them out to play. Then we'll be doing grocery shopping... if anything is open on Labor Day. So in summary, we're not doing anything special but we're happy with that.
Bentley's Back
Bruce ate Bentley's food (Bentley is back for a week) and Bentley got all mad and stayed in the kids' room. Poor guy. He's probably thinking, "I HATE that guy." Then Bruce sulked around the living room because I scolded him.
Movie Review
The kids and I watched Epic, which is an AWESOME movie. I just love it! The graphics were beautiful and the characters were great. Ronin, the commander of the leafmen, is my favorite. Beonce did a great job in her Queen character, too. And to be honest, after watching this movie, I found it a little hard to step on the grass.
Ferret Story
So, we're cleaning the home today. The ferrets will be released and free to terrorize all as soon as the cleaning is over. Well in the living room and dining room anyway.
I've learned that putting a baby gate up to block off the kitchen only keeps the dog out. The ferrets have found a way in. Squish and Carrot squeeze their little bodies through the gate and Sammy climbs over it. I can't win.
Highlight Story Last weekend, my brother took the boys to a playground. Caden sat on the spinning seat and spun and spun and spun. Until he got sick. He walked around like a drunken zombie and had to lay in my lap until the world stopped spinning. Shade and water helped. And then he got back on it again. Crazy kid.
School
School has been a little rough for Caden. He had a friend named Dante who attended the summer program with him. They were inseparable. Well, Dante doesn't attend the Before And After program at the Youth Center, so Caden hasn't seen him since summer ended. Needless to say, he has not been wanting to go to the Youth Center and he doesn't want to go to school.
Nobody Plays With Me
The Youth Center teachers and I have been spending time talking to him about making new friends and adjusting to change. It's been a week and so far he's been feeling better about it. He talks about all the cool things he gets to do in school. So I think he's gonna be just fine in time.
College
As for me and college, my class is going very well. I got a 92% on my quiz. I was disappointed because I got a 100% last week but I guess I'll just have to get over it. I have a Forensic Discipline paper due this Sunday, so I'm researching and outlining. I have to choose a discipline that interests me. I'm going with Forensic Anthropology, which is the study of skeletal remains. This field tries to identify the remains and possibly cause of death. The kicker: It requires a friggin PhD. That is discouraging because I'm 32. By the time I get my PhD I'll be out of the military, retired, and ... older. I'll have to find a way to get over this one.
Since I don't have my own horse and have decided that for now I will live my horse dreams vicariously through others, I follow Equipped Equine.
I follow Hiking Colorado for great information about the trails and mountain climbing around here. This incredible pic was shared by them from From The High Country.
What I'm Reading
When I was a teen, I just loved Christopher Pike's books. One of my (and my lovely sister's) favorites of the author's books were The Last Vampire. I downloaded it from Barnes & Noble. Well, on my day off last week, I took a stab at reading it again and I have to say I had a little giggle about it. The writing is a little on the amateur side. However, it is still entertaining and I'm glad I bought it. I love reading old books I used to love!
Overview
At five thousand years old, the vampire Alisa thought she was smart enough to stay out of trouble. But when her creator returns to hunt her, she must protect herself by befriending Ray, the boy who may be her only chance at finding her maker. When she begins to fall in love with Ray, all of a sudden there is more at stake than her own life. Originally published in 1994, this series netted more than 500,000 copies as individual titles and later as bind-ups. This hot new repackage will revive the series for today’s teen.
I used to write a lot more. Lots of my stuff were dark, though, so I think it's a good thing I'm not writing as much! My work can be found by visiting TheStormInside.webs.com. For now, here's an oldie I did years ago:
Empty Promises
I passed you on my way to the daycare again. My light turned green and I took the left, under the overpass. The sky was gray and the traffic was as heavy as it normally was at five-thirty in the evening. Impatience filled the streets.
I always expect you to be there, under the overpass. My eyes always seem to seek you as soon as I get under. And there you were. Salt and pepper beard, so thick it reminds me of a dirty Santa Claus beard. Like a beat up, crusty Santa Claus. Covered in a dusty old olive-green jacket and some torn jeans, I see you shiver in the cold. You stare at the cars as they pass you by. Well, I don't know for sure if you're staring at the cars or just staring. Deep in thought, inside yourself.
Like yesterday, the day before, and the days before then, I asked you in my head, "Why do you live there? How did you let yourself become a victim to the world in such a way? Why can't you get a job? Have you tried? Will no one hire you?"
I asked you these things as I drove past you, wondering when I'm going to give you some spare change. I never carry cash. But if I had some, I'd ... what would I do? Would I pull over under the overpass? Would I really hand you money?
As I passed you, I focused on the traffic and fought my way to the right lane. Trying to beat everyone else so they don't cut me off first. I forgot about you then. I drove down the street and found myself at my son's daycare. He filled me with warmth when I hugged him after missing him all day. Little arms wrapped me around my neck as a tiny voice squealed "Mommy!" He was the best part of my day.
On the way home, I passed you again. This time, my toddler pointed at you from his car seat. "Bye bye!" he called as he waved at you. You didn't see. Or maybe you did, but you were too cold to smile. Too hungry to wave.
Next time, I thought in my head. Next time I'll stop.
