Korea Prep 2

My neighbor was kind enough to hook me up with an old friend of his who is stationed in Korea.  It was really nice being able to have another single mom connect with me about her experience.  She told me about the room I'd probably be living in and gave me some tips on what to bring, what not to bring.  She also let me know about the base and what the dining facilities were like there, so I'd probably need a crock pot. 

My feeling about Korea today is ... okay.  It feels good being able to talk with someone who can actually let me see, mentally, what I'm getting into. 

I received a phone call from a good brother-friend of mine, J Guy.  He was so upset that I'd be leaving my kids to serve this tour.  I was pretty encouraged by him calling to comfort me and share his brotherly love for me.  I felt loved.

I'm trying to get a hold of my friend, Daniel, who is currently struggling with a divorce.  He and his family are a beautiful thing and I always admired them as a unit.  To know that they are suffering so much hurts me and I'm so concerned for them all.  He hasn't written me back in almost a month and the last e-mail he wrote expressed how frustrated, angry, and hurt he is.  I sent him another e-mail today.  Tomorrow, I will try to call him.

Patrick and I are about to Skype tonight.  I sent him part one of two Christmas gifts and I want him to open it tonight.  Partly because I was worried when he told me that the FedEx guy tossed it onto his porch.  It's a wooden humidor!  I'm worried it might be broken and I want to be able to have him return it in time for him to receive part two-- eleven very fine Dominican cigars.  I couldn't get Cubans.  Anyway, I'm excited to see how he'll react if the humidor is in good shape.  He likes cigars.

Lastly, I hate keeping this Korea a secret from the kids.  I won't break, though.  I don't want to hang that over their heads during Christmas.  I'll wait til after my oldest boy's birthday in January.  Sigh.  I hate thinking of leaving them.  If you're a parent, you know the feeling.

I wish I could bring Bruce with me.  He's my companion, my friend.  He may be a dog but he's my favorite person aside from my human-family.  He looks at me with giant eyes and I hate knowing I won't see them for a whole year.

Finally, I just want to say that I praise God.  For everything.  He never wastes a hurt.  He never wastes tears.  He is my Father.  And I love Him so much.

Goodnight, all.

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Mad

I'm lonely. And I find myself feeling angry sometimes. Not at the people who I've given up in order to ensure my children have a good life. Not at my parents for failing to teach me what a good relationship looks like. Not at my friends who stay in bad relationships just because it's better than being alone.

I'm mad at myself. For failing to choose a good person to spend my life with. I wonder why do I sabotage myself? Why do I go into a relationship hoping that maybe he's "the one" when I know deep down inside that he's not? I never answer these questions. I just ask them after each break up. Or when I'm lonely.

People tell me that the right guy will come along and I smile and nod my head and tell them how I agree and that I'm perfectly okay with waiting. I'm only half lying. I think deep down inside I want to stay alone. Not because I don't want someone else.

I don't want to fail again. My kids' dad was a horrible mistake. I'm not going to sugar coat it tonight and say "without him I wouldn't have had my children." I know that's true. But it was a horrible experience and I don't ever want to make that mistake again. I don't have just me to worry about. When I didn't have kids the only bad thing to come of a failed relationship was a broken heart. Now I have two additional hearts to protect. And theirs is more important than mine.

My 5 year old, Sean, had a rough week because his daycare class was so busy with making Father's Day stuff and having Father's Day lunch and sharing stories of their dads. He threw a plastic shovel and it hit a kid in the face. He told his teacher "I don't have a dad. My father doesn't know how to be a good dad."

How the hell am I supposed to heal that? People tell me "you just have to remind him that he has YOU and he has other family members who love him." Yeah, try telling a 5 year old that what he wants doesn't matter because everyone else loves him. When what he truly knows is that he needs a father and the only one he has is an asshole who doesn't know how to be a good dad.

And here I am at past midnight closing up the third episode of Orange Is The New Black I've watched since the kids have fallen asleep. And all I want is someone to share it with. Someone to talk to about how freaking awesome this stupid series is.

I put them in swim class and I put them in tee ball. So they can be kids and have fun and learn boy stuff. Hell I'm coaching Sean's tee ball team. And they laugh and have a good time. We throw the ball around at the park and we go hiking and collect rocks and get dirty. It's all good stuff. They enjoy it. But at the end of the day we're still just three. We're a damn good three. But they still ask me why God hasn't given them a good dad.

And that pisses me off. Because I haven't given them a good dad. I made the wrong choices in men. I chose to be alone out of fear of failing yet again.

And I wonder if I will always have no one. And if they will always only have me. I don't know that answer.

Someone asked me if I've prayed about it. And I do. A lot. But even while I'm praying I am doubting. I go on Facebook and see the posts of all my married friends and I know that behind those smiling couples lies bad marriages. Not all of them. But enough to stunt my hope.

Not sure what my point is anymore. I guess it's just a rant. No real need for answers or pity. Just some single mom ranting. I guess it's up to me. It's up to me to take risks and find that right guy. It's up to me to deal with the heartbreak after each failed attempt. Or just hold out for that right guy, if I can recognize him.

So if you're a single mom feeling lonely or angry, don't feel too bad. Under all this fake smile, head- nodding perfectly-fine-with-waiting single mom lies someone who feels your pain. I know it's hard. And lonely. And sad. But you aren't alone in that. Not really.

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I Was A Ninja, Really!

The boys were having a deep conversation today while I was driving. 

Sean: That car is going faster than us.

Caden: Yeah but we beat that white car. 

Sean: But that truck with the black falcon on it is getting faster!

Me: Black falcon! But I defeated him!

Caden: What?

Sean's face is showing disbelief. 

Me: I defeated him when I was... a ninja. 

Sean: A ninja?

Caden: No you didn't mom. 

Me: I did.  I didn't have a sword though. I had nunchucks. (Quick nunchuck super moves with sound effects)

Sean laughs. Caden stares at me through the rear view mirror. 

Caden: I can't believe that. 

Me: I was a cool ninja.

Sean: Whoa.

Caden: Well that truck passed us mom. 

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The Regret

I was running late for work. It was a couple of years ago.  The kids weren't cooperating. Caden especially. He couldn't find the pants he wanted. 

I was chasing the hands of the clock. I was angry. My words were firm and impatient. I had to be at work on time. There was an important ceremony to host. 

I scolded them for sleeping late the night before. I rushed Sean into his daycare room without a goodbye. 

Caden had a scowl on his face and he was quiet. I was glad he wasn't whining. He walked slowly toward his classroom. Hurry up, I told him. 

I didn't say goodbye. Instead I rushed to the car and started it up. I hit the gas hard about to race to work. But something caught my eye.

A small open palm on the window of Caden's classroom. I slowed the car and squinted my eyes for a better look. Caden's face peered at me. He was crying. He had his hand on the window. 

During the ceremony, the music director asked me what was wrong. I choked back the sob in my throat as I told him. 

Don't ever sacrifice your children for this bullshit, he said. All of this? The ceremonies, the meetings, the stress. After you retire these people will forget you. But your children will not. Don't let their memories be filled with tearful mornings as you left them for this. Tell them you love them each time you part. 

They are the ones who matter in the end. So make them matter in the now. 

Since then I've not once let the morning be filled with impatience and frustration. Each time I think of that little palm on the window, I hug them a little tighter. As if I'm still apologizing for it. Never again will I make them less important than this job. 

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Das Boots! 29 Jan 14

Today's Blurb
Tomorrow is Caden's 7th birthday.  I'm letting him ditch school (he's only had one other missed school day this academic year so I don't feel so bad) and the three of us are going to spend the day celebrating.  We have a birthday tradition, which the boys started all on their own.  The birthday boy gets to decide if the non-birthday boy can get a gift as well.  It's their way of being able to share the day without jealousy.  I had no part in this decision.

Well, tonight, Caden asked me if Sean could get two toys instead of one.  The birthday boy gets four and the non-birthday boy gets one.  I told him, "Caden, the rule is that Sean can only get one."

He looked a little sad and said, "Well, what if I get just three and Sean can get two?"

I thought about this, a bit puzzled at what he was saying.  "Caden, you understand that you can get four, right?  But you're giving up your fourth gift so that Sean can get two.  Are you sure about this?"

He smiled and nodded.  "Yes, that way he won't be sad that he only gets one.  Besides, three is plenty."

I felt my eyebrows draw together in that confused manner.  How the heck did he become so selfless?  This is a kid who bullies his younger brother, gets annoyed with him when he feels as if he doesn't have his space, and can't stand when he is out-run by him.  Yet, here he is giving up a TOY so that Sean can have another.

I don't remember being that selfless when I was a kid.

S'mores for the first time ever.

Cool Moment
Someone paid me a really great compliment today.  I was told that I should be a model because of my facial features.  How the heck did I get so lucky to have been told such a thing?  Needless to say, I have been really needing a pick-me-up lately.  Been feeling a little unpretty.  So this compliment has definitely lifted me.

A more important somebody (ahem... Caden) gave me a great compliment as well:

Caden: Mommy, I'm about to pay you a compliment.

Me:  Oh really?  Okay, what's your compliment?

Caden:  I love you more than water.

Let's hope he really really loves water.  :-)

Relationships

Trying to rock those grays.

You know, nothing's really going on in the romance department.  I've made a single dad friend who I hang out with.  We let the kids play while we talk grown up stuff.  I also keep in touch with an ex-boyfriend whom I've managed to have kept a friendship with.  He's 52 and wonderful.  There could be something potential still there, but he's got some stuff he needs to work out which caused us to end the relationship a year and some change ago.  Nothing bad, but he's got a major life decision he needs to make and without that decision, we can't really move forward.  So for now we're enjoying our friendship and keeping things sweet.  Looks like my Valentine's Day will be another lonely one.  Maybe I should send myself flowers.

If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.

-- Dolly Parton

I love this lady.

Random Photos

When I got out of my car at the Youth Center to pick up Caden, 

a gorgeous buck was walking around.

I had to stalk him just a little.

Creative Nonfiction

Amber Still

by Jasmine Shine 

AKA

Lucy Diamond/Sibyl Vane/whatever else I use online

We stood there for what seemed like a lifetime, staring at each other with our minds racing. Our breaths were one, a steady rhythm purposely designed to disguise our inner panic. Even the wind seemed to come to a halt. It felt as if the entire world paused, waiting to see what would happen next. Not a single sound was made.

I had just arrived at work after a morning yoga session. For the first time in weeks, my mind was clear. I'd spent nights tossing in bed, disturbed by a bout of mild depression. As a single mother in my early thirties, I was hit with a painful realization that I may just be undesirable to men. This rut brought waves of self esteem attacks and I'd found myself weeping when I was alone and a love song happened to sound within earshot. Yoga seemed to have brought me back to center this morning.

When I pulled into the office's parking lot, I realized all the spaces were taken. I had four other options, each would cause me to walk about five minutes in the winter wind.  I decided to take the one that offered a scenic walk.

I smiled when I exited my vehicle, pulled my beanie snugly over my ears, and headed toward the trail head. I stuck my right hand in my jacket pocket, making sure my phone was in there in case I wanted to take a picture. The trail offered a beautiful scene of trees and mountains. I was actually grateful there wasn't any parking at the office parking lot.

The sounds of nature rushed at me and they made me remember the breathing exercises in the yoga class. Fast, sharp breaths as I inhaled while holding the deep squat position and slow exhales as I closed my eyes. In the midst of a gray depression, the exercises pulled me into a place where I was faced with just myself and all my strengths and weaknesses. I remembered who I was and how valuable I really am.

Halfway through the trail, the winter chill nipped at my ears and I tugged at my beanie once again. And that was when it happened. A coyote stepped onto the trail five feet before me. It trotted across, climbed the hill beside me and stopped. We both froze as we realized what had just happened.

My mind raced, searching through that mental checklist we are all supposed to keep that told us what to do when we encounter wild animals. I remembered that for bears, I'm supposed to pretend to be dead. But what was I supposed to do for coyotes? Do I just keep walking? Do I scream at it and wave my arms to make myself appear larger?

As I asked myself these questions, the coyote seemed to also contemplate his next actions. I paused in my thoughts and actually looked at him. He was as big as an average sized dog. He blended in with the woods. Mange had taken over the majority of the back half of his body. His tail resembled that of a rat. And he looked a little thin. What really captured me, though, was his eyes.

They were a brilliant amber that shone in the sun and it almost looked as if I was looking into a pair of amber stones. Wild eyes. They burned holes in me as he stared and I realized he was in a state of desperation. We had a hard summer and the small animals were now scarce. He was hungry. And here I was all alone on a trail he happened to be crossing. An image of him attacking me made me shiver in the cold. And yet, we both just stood there. Silently. Waiting.

If ever there was a moment when I'd regret feeling depressed over matters of loneliness and fear of being undesirable, it was now. At this moment, I valued my self worth. I am a smart woman with plenty to offer a man. I'm a fantastic mom. And I am a damn hard worker. I was not coyote food.

He was beautiful just standing there with his wild reflection of nature. Hungry and contemplative. But I was hungry too. For my life. I stared back at him and stood tall. Taking in a deep breath, I took a quiet step toward him.

Like a dream that ended in a flash when you awoke in a panic, he was gone. His movements made no sound as he disappeared. I stood there, still in awe of my first encounter with a wild predator. I smiled to myself as I turned and continued on the trail.

What an amazing day.

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I'm Doing Fine

I am a single mom of two boys. 

There's no father in the picture.

It's just me. 

I'm all they have. 

And the questions people ask me.

"Who will teach them to be good men?"

It's me. 

"Who's their male role model?"

Me. 

"They need a father figure."

Well that's me too. 

I'm okay with being just me. 

I've had to do it by myself for years. 

I've been blessed when it could've been worse. 

Why is it not okay for the people who ask the question?

My boys are happy. 

They are smart. 

They are brave. 

They hold the door open for women. 

They scrape knees and climb trees. 

They beat up bad guys when they play. 

They roar. 

They sing. 

They dance. 

They fight. 

I am a single mom of two boys. 

And I'm doing just fine. 

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Das Boots! 17 Jan 14

Today's Blurb

It's my Air Force birthday!

Thirteen years ago today, I stepped off a bus and into the life of the Air Force.  I grew not only as an Airman, but as a woman and as an individual.  I am a mother, a supervisor, a Wingman who can think for herself as a Non-Commissioned Officer.  I can count the number of times on one hand when I swore I wouldn't reenlist.  And each time I did that, I imagined hanging up the uniform and I knew deep inside I just couldn't do it.  I love serving my country and I love the Air Force.

It's a special day and I'm so grateful for it.

Kids Corner

I took the kids to a gaming center where they played bumper cars, rode roller coasters and climbed a big wall. Caden is quite the climber and isn't afraid to demonstrate it. Their faces were red and their hair was all matted with sweat. When we got home, they went straight to bed without a fight. 

Inspiring Quote

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”
― Bob Marley

Movie Highlight
I recently watched Grizzly Man, a documentary about Timothy Treadwell, a free spirit who chose to live in the wilderness... alongside grizzly bears.  Before I watched the movie, I heard about his story and the negative comments that were made about him.  People said he got what he deserved.  Even I slightly judged his decision.  But watching the documentary made me appreciate what he was trying, or thought he was trying, to do.  He had a passion for wildlife.  He was a troubled person with depression issues and sought a way to fulfill a purpose he believed he had.  In the documentary, you can clearly see his outrage for the human race and his compassion for the animals.  At the end of the movie, I was inspired by him.  Not to go out and do what he did, but to seek my own purpose and to find a way to serve it.  I thought it was a beautiful story and I believe he not only found himself but perhaps God as well.

Current Song Obsession
The movie Grizzly Man inspired me to purchase Coyotes by Don Edwards.  It is a beautiful song that speaks of appreciating the past and finding yourself alone with just the coyotes, a creature that doesn't even accompany man.  It is a passionate song and I enjoy it very much.

Random Photo

I just love this photo of my kids. 

It's not clear

It's not perfect

But it captures the beauty of my life.

Extremely Short Story

Empty Promises

by ... Me :-)

I passed you on my way to the daycare again.  My light turned green and I took the left, under the overpass.  The sky was gray and the traffic was as heavy as it normally was at five-thirty in the evening.  Impatience filled the streets.

I always expect you to be there, under the overpass.  My eyes always seem to seek you as soon as I get under.  And there you were.  Salt and pepper beard, so thick it reminds me of a dirty Santa Claus beard.  Like a beat up, crusty Santa Claus.  Covered in a dusty old olive-green jacket and some torn jeans, I see you shiver in the cold.  You stare at the cars as they pass you by.  Well, I don't know for sure if you're staring at the cars or just staring.  Deep in thought, inside yourself.

Like yesterday, the day before, and the days before then, I asked you in my head, "Why do you live there?  How did you let yourself become a victim to the world in such a way?  Why can't you get a job?  Have you tried?  Will no one hire you?"

I asked you these things as I drove past you, wondering when I'm going to give you some spare change.  I never carry cash.  But if I had some, I'd... what would I do?  Would I pull over under the overpass?  Would I really hand you money?

As I passed you, I focused on the traffic and fought my way to the right lane.  Trying to beat everyone else so they don't cut me off first.  I forgot about you then.  I drove down the street and found myself at my son's daycare.  He filled me with warmth when I hugged him after missing him all day.  Little arms wrapped me around my neck as a tiny voice squealed "Mommy!"  He was the best part of my day.

On the way home, I passed you again.  This time, my toddler pointed at you from his car seat.  "Bye bye!" he called as he waved at you.  You didn't see.  Or maybe you did, but you were too cold to smile.  Too hungry to wave.

Next time, I thought in my  head.  Next time I'll stop.

But I wouldn't.

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Wednesday Night Outing

What a night.  Talk about emotional roller coaster.  

Whole Foods

So we had never been to Whole Foods before and I needed to stop and get some meat.  I absolutely fell in love.  This place had so much healthy food!  Grass-fed, non-hormone injected meat, organic chicken, everything.  They even had a fantastic deli with excellent service.

While looking for some premade meals at the deli counter, one of the staff asked if I needed help.  I explained that one of the kids was dairy-free and that I was just looking at the ingredients of all the meals.  He immediately called one of his co-workers over and that guy came to my rescue.  He identified each item that had no dairy product in it.  He was even patient enough to entertain the boys who went crazy telling me which food item they wanted.  I picked out a twice  baked potato, a small bowl of sesame-cucumber noodles, and a double breasted chili-lime chicken.  When he handed me the items, he told me that the chicken was on him.  How sweet!  I wanted to hug him!

I grabbed a couple of those recycled, cloth shopping bags and was amazed that they were only 99 cents.  At the base commissary, I spent $4 on each of those! 

Ihop

After the grocery trip, I took the kids to eat at Ihop.  I know, I know-- why do that when I just boughtt groceries.  Welll, it was already 7 p.m. and I didn't want to spend more time cooking dinner when I could just go to Ihop for a quick breakfast-dinner.  

At Ihop, our young male waiter was super cool.  He joked with the kids and was verry patient when Sean showed him what his toy robots did that was so spectacular.

While ordering our food, Sean decided to interrupt me and tell the waiter, "My mom doesn't have hair on her legs anymore because guess what!  She got LAZERED!"

The waiter laughed.  My face turned beet red.  And Sean...sweet, innocent Sean. 

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Remember This Pain

You have never loved unless you've sacrificed.

Anyone can feel the emotion of love.  But love is so much more than an emotion.  It is an act.  And when you love, truly love, you will sacrifice.  And when you love and the love is not returned in action, you will hurt.  It can hurt badly.

I spoke to a very trusted and wise friend of mine about a recent breakup.  I explained the reason for the breakup and why I felt so hurt about it.  He hugged me and listened as I spoke.  And then he shared wise advice.  "Remember this pain, darling.  Raise your sons in a way that will best teach them not to cause such pain."  It is one of the wisest pieces of advice I could've ever received.

We parents have a tendency to raise our children in a way that benefits ourselves.  Many women raise their sons to please their mothers so much that those boys cannot, as men, even detach themselves from her apron strings.  Many parents raise their children with the intent on having their children pay them back as they're older when really, they should've given them "a good life" simply because they are their parents.  

With each failed relationship, I take the pain and use it as a lesson to learn how to choose better partners.  But sometimes after a breakup, I forget that I am raising sons.  I am raising boys who will be men one day and will one day love someone.  When my friend told me to remember my pain, he didn't say to remember my pain for me.  He said it for the women my boys will date or marry one day.  How insightful.  How right.

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Ramblings of A Single Mom

"Emma and I have been married 38 years.  We've had our amazing moments and there were times when we were miserable.  But I am wiser because of it and I love better because of it."

"Shannon and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary"

I'm happy.  I'm content.  I date, I love, and I end the relationship when we've decided it was the best thing to do.  At the end of the day it's really just the kids and me.  We are a good, strong family.  My priorities are healthy.  My career is fulfilling.  My pets are warm additions to our little unit.  I'm doing a good job. 

I'm a good person.

I love deeply.

I challenge myself to work on my weaknesses.

I consistently keep my eye on something steady to keep myself from falling.

I read a blog the other day, written by a man who is in search of a mate.  He wrote a blog about single moms and argued why men should stay away from them.  We tend to put our children before our boyfriend.  At first I was offended; his post seemed to be filled with contempt for single moms.  And then I took myself out of my way and re-read the blog and I realized he was really just expressing a desire for a single woman whom could have his children one day.  He wanted to share that joy, experience bringing a child into the world with the woman he loved.  And I thought, he just wants what we all want.  Not to settle.

I read an article about what men to avoid like the plague.  It spoke about mama's boys, players, jobless wanderers, and more.  I found myself thinking, well doesn't every man fit one of those categories?  Then I took myself out of my way again and told myself that maybe not every man fell under one of those toxic categories.  I remembered my brother and how good a man he is to his wife and children, to his mom and sisters.  I remembered my friends who have been married to their wives for 38 and 25 years.  I thought, maybe there really is a good guy out there who wants to commit and be a family man.  Maybe there is someone out there for me who will lead his family with love and honor.

Being single really does get lonely.  Who doesn't want to sleep in the arms of a warm companion?  Who doesn't want a best friend who is also your husband?  It gets lonely watching other couples  holding hands in public and knowing that I don't have that.  

Patience.

I am in the best place I have ever been in my life.  I am so grateful for what my God has blessed me with every day.  

I am going to raise my boys to be men, not mama's boys, not players, not jobless, not loveless.  They will be strong and tender at the same time.  They will be responsible.  They will love deeply, yet wisely.  When I left their father, he said, "If she raises those kids without me, they're going to turn out to be sissies."  He couldn't have been more wrong.  They are going to be humble and honorable.  They are going to be good husbands to their wives and wonderful father to their children.  

Someone once told me she was going to raise her son to be a narcissist so that he will be guaranteed success.  She doesn't know that the success she's dreaming of is empty, loveless, and he will hate himself.  I will raise my children to get back up after they've fallen, to shed tears when their heart is broken, and to fight for what is right and to defend their families.  As adults, they will not depend on me to make the right choices. They may ask for guidance but I will never make them lifeless without me.  When they date, they will keep me at a distance so that they will love deeply, the way they should.  

The only man I will bring into their lives will be one who will teach them these things alongside me.  

I am right where I need to be.  And I am happy.  I get lonely, but I am well-blessed.  I am patient.

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Das Boots! 1 Sep 13

Holiday
Labor Day started off funny this morning.  First, Bruce decided to chase bunnies on his morning walk.  The bunnies around the apartment are hilarious.  They aren't scared of anything and when Bruce chased them, they ran until he was at the end of his leash and then they just sat there staring at him.  I just know they were laughing. 

We're going to stay home today and clean the apartment.  The boys are happy with that as long as I let them out to play.  Then we'll be doing grocery shopping... if anything is open on Labor Day.  So in summary, we're not doing anything special but we're happy with that.

Bentley's Back

Bruce ate Bentley's food (Bentley is back for a week) and Bentley got all mad and stayed in the kids' room.  Poor guy.  He's probably thinking, "I HATE that guy."  Then Bruce sulked around the living room because I scolded him.

Movie Review

The kids and I watched Epic, which is an AWESOME movie.  I just love it!  The graphics were beautiful and the characters were great.  Ronin, the commander of the leafmen, is my favorite.  Beonce did a great job in her Queen character, too.  And to be honest, after watching this movie, I found it a little hard to step on the grass. 


Ferret Story
So, we're cleaning the home today.  The ferrets will be released and free to terrorize all as soon as the cleaning is over.  Well in the living room and dining room anyway. 

I've learned that putting a baby gate up to block off the kitchen only keeps the dog out.  The ferrets have found a way in.  Squish and Carrot squeeze their little bodies through the gate and Sammy climbs over it.  I can't win.

Highlight Story
Last weekend, my brother took the boys to a playground.  Caden sat on the spinning seat and spun and spun and spun.  Until he got sick.  He walked around like a drunken zombie and had to lay in my lap until the world stopped spinning.  Shade and water helped.  And then he got back on it again.  Crazy kid.

School

School has been a little rough for Caden.  He had a friend named Dante who attended the summer program with him.  They were inseparable.  Well, Dante doesn't attend the Before And After program at the Youth Center, so Caden hasn't seen him since summer ended.  Needless to say, he has not been wanting to go to the Youth Center and he doesn't want to go to school.

Nobody Plays With Me

The Youth Center teachers and I have been spending time talking to him about making new friends and adjusting to change.  It's been a week and so far he's been feeling better about it.  He talks about all the cool things he gets to do in school.  So I think he's gonna be just fine in time.

College

As for me and college, my class is going very well.  I got a 92% on my quiz.  I was disappointed because I got a 100% last week but I guess I'll just have to get over it.  I have a Forensic Discipline paper due this Sunday, so I'm researching and outlining.  I have to choose a discipline that interests me.  I'm going with Forensic Anthropology, which is the study of skeletal remains.  This field tries to identify the remains and possibly cause of death.  The kicker:  It requires a friggin PhD.  That is discouraging because I'm 32.  By the time I get my PhD I'll be out of the military, retired, and ... older.  I'll have to find a way to get over this one.

What's Happening On Facebook

From http://rawforbeauty.com/blog/

Since I don't have my own horse and have decided that for now I will live my horse dreams vicariously through others, I follow Equipped Equine.



I follow Hiking Colorado for great information about the trails and mountain climbing around here.  This incredible pic was shared by them from  From The High Country.

What I'm Reading

When I was a teen, I just loved Christopher Pike's books.  One of my (and my lovely sister's) favorites of the author's books were The Last Vampire.  I downloaded it from Barnes & Noble.  Well, on my day off last week, I took a stab at reading it again and I have to say I had a little giggle about it.  The writing is a little on the amateur side.  However, it is still entertaining and I'm glad I bought it.  I love reading old books I used to love!

Overview

At five thousand years old, the vampire Alisa thought she was smart enough to stay out of trouble. But when her creator returns to hunt her, she must protect herself by befriending Ray, the boy who may be her only chance at finding her maker. When she begins to fall in love with Ray, all of a sudden there is more at stake than her own life. Originally published in 1994, this series netted more than 500,000 copies as individual titles and later as bind-ups. This hot new repackage will revive the series for today’s teen.

Source:  http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/thirst-no-1-christopher-pike/1100671909?ean=9781416983088

Buy it for $9.99

Writing Highlight

I used to write a lot more.  Lots of my stuff were dark, though, so I think it's a good thing I'm not writing as much!  My work can be found by visiting TheStormInside.webs.com.  For now, here's an oldie I did years ago:

Empty Promises

I passed you on my way to the daycare again.  My light turned green and I took the left, under the overpass.  The sky was gray and the traffic was as heavy as it normally was at five-thirty in the evening.  Impatience filled the streets.

I always expect you to be there, under the overpass.  My eyes always seem to seek you as soon as I get under.  And there you were.  Salt and pepper beard, so thick it reminds me of a dirty Santa Claus beard.  Like a beat up, crusty Santa Claus.  Covered in a dusty old olive-green jacket and some torn jeans, I see you shiver in the cold.  You stare at the cars as they pass you by.  Well, I don't know for sure if you're staring at the cars or just staring.  Deep in thought, inside yourself.

Like yesterday, the day before, and the days before then, I asked you in my  head, "Why do you live there?  How did you let yourself become a victim to the world in such a way?  Why can't you get a job?  Have you tried?  Will no one hire you?"

I asked you these things as I drove past you, wondering when I'm going to give you some spare change.  I never carry cash.  But if I had some, I'd ... what would I do?  Would I pull over under the overpass?  Would I really hand you money?

As I passed you, I focused on the traffic and fought my way to the right lane.  Trying to beat everyone else so  they don't cut me off first.  I forgot about you then.  I drove down the street and found myself at my son's daycare.  He filled me with warmth when I hugged him after missing him all day.  Little arms wrapped me around my neck as a tiny voice squealed "Mommy!"  He was the best part of my day.

On the way home, I passed you again.  This time, my toddler pointed at you from his car seat.  "Bye bye!" he called as he waved at you.  You didn't see.  Or maybe you did, but you were too cold to smile.  Too hungry to wave.

Next time, I thought in my head.  Next time I'll stop.

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Summer Is Here

 

We spent the morning and early afternoon being lazy.  I loved it.  I love getting to enjoy the boys without any agenda, nothing planned, just me and them.  We laid on the couch and watched Transformers Prime on Netflix, ate breakfast, went back to watching.  The boys eventually got up to play with their Transformers toys.  I hung out with them and asked questions about their role playing.

There's this really obnoxious guy at work who irritates the crap out of me.  He asked me once, "How are you going to raise your boys to be men?  I mean, don't you think they need a male role model?"  I can't stand ignorant remarks.  Granted, this dude is super obnoxious.  Most of the time the things that come out of his mouth is used to seek attention or an attempt to gain validation of his infinite wisdom.  I didn't take his comment to heart.  I simply said, "They have God and their uncles.  I think they'll be fine."  He didn't say anything to that.  And I do remember my kids' father made a comment during our divorce.  He said, "If she raises those boys without me, they'll grow up to be pansies."  And now as I sat with my boys watching them smash their Transformers into each other with enthusiastic war cries, I had to smile to myself.  I think I'm doing pretty darn well.

I spent the early part of the afternoon repotting my flowers and sweeping my porch.  It's summer.  It's beautiful.  And I love my life.

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Spelling Optimus Prime

Sean:

Mommy do you wanna see that I can spell Optimus Prime?
 

Me:

Oooh. Sure!

Sean:

S-E-A-N. Optimus Prime. YEAH!!

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Drama Starts Too Young

So I was watching Elora, Sean's classmate.  They were being so cute and having a grand old time, playing and laughing.  And then Sean got in trouble and I told him to sit in time out. 

 Elora:

Why are you sitting there?

 

Sean:

I'm in trouble. 

 

Elora:

Why?

 

Sean:

I was lying.

Elora:

No you weren't. 

 

Sean:

Yes I was. 

 

Elora:

You were NOT lying!

 

Sean: 

YES! I! WAS!

 

Elora:

(stands up and walks away. Then looks back.)

No you WERE NOT! I'm not playing with you!

Sean:

I was lying!!

 

Elora:

Ugh!!

(She flips her hair and stomps away, then looks back again.) You're disgusting!

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Caden's Rough Day

Wow. Have you ever had one of those days that seemed terribly long and crazy? Poor Caden. He and I had one of those. It wasn't supposed to be wild. But I guess these kind of days aren't usually planned for.

It started okay. The three of us went to the dentist so Caden could get a couple of teeth pulled. Sean and I waited in the waiting area. Sean had a blast!

Sean got to play in a really awesome kids area. He pretended to be a super hero.

Check out a teeny visual of how much fun he had.

 

 

When Caden came out, he was crying and drooling with gauze sticking out if his mouth. My poor guy's face was all red. The dental tech told me he did fantastically but the numbness was scary for him. When we got home he slept for a couple of hours and woke up only a little sore.

Bruce made sure to show him how concerned he was for him.

 

We went to Denny's for lunch. Caden ate chicken noodle soup while Sean had some pancakes. And this was where the day got rough. Sean needed to potty. Like a good brother, Caden took him.

And then there was a scream.

Caden was opening the bathroom door for Sean but the door closed on his hand. It hurt him so bad that his legs shook. After about 30 minutes of ice and Caden's inability to move his swollen thumb, it was time to visit the dreaded ER.





My poor guy. His teddy bear stayed with him the entire time.
The x-rays were hard because he couldn't lay his little hand flat on the table. :-(

After telling me that no bones were broken and that there was just some bruising and swelling, the doc ordered two days of ice and Motrin and he should be good to go.

 

Thankfully all is well. Caden is in good spirits and is loving the little ice pack he's sporting.

 

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Bisketti Night!

Caden
"Guess what! I eat all bisketti noodles!"

Me
"Really? But there are lots of noodles in your bowl."

Caden
"That's just for now. There will be no noodles left behind."

Sauce
1 can of meat sauce
1 can of diced tomatoes w/oregano
1 tsp minced garlic
1 minced onion
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried basil
2 tsp salt
1 lb browned ground beef
1 package fully cooked meatballs

Add cooked thin spaghetti noodles and serve!

The boys loved dinner. :)

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Mr. Zippity Goes To the Hospital

You might remember that Bruce chewed Mr. Zippity's eye out on Friday. You can read more about it here. I was able to save him but he wasn't in any shape to go back to school. I had to buy a new one.

Instead of taking pictures of Caden's activities with Mr. Zippity, we decided to write the journal and draw about it.

We drew Mr. Zippity recovering in a hospital, thinking about all the fun he had before the incident.

Caden felt much better about the whole thing after we were done.

He's also pretty sure Mr. Zippity is happy with the project.

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Mr. Zippity Loses His Eye

Sean
(In his best He-Man voice)
"For the honor of Grace Skull, I am SPIDER-MAN!"

Caden
(In his best He-Man voice, too)
"Me TOOOOO!"

Sean
"Oh my gosh, Caden! Bruce is chewing Mr. Zippity!"

Like all kids, mine have a habit of leaving toys around. I nag and threaten to throw toys away if they don't show me they care for them. But it's pointless. They're kids. And it isn't a crime to forget to put their toys away. It is, however, a different story when the toy doesn't belong to them.

Caden's weekend project is Mr. Zippity's Travel Log. Each kid in his class will have a chance to take a stuffed animal zebra home for the weekend, take pictures with him, and journal their time together. On Monday they are to bring the travel log and zebra back to class and talk about it.

Caden was so excited to have Mr. Zippity! He ate dinner with him, did homework with him, even brought him to his morning babysitter's house. It was so cute and I thought the project was really sweet.

And then something incredibly ... what's the word ... Common. Yes common. Something incredibly common happened.

Mr. Zippity was found in the mouth of Bruce, our 5 year old bloodhound mix. I couldn't fix it. I sewed his face up and hand washed him. But he was permanently damaged. I ended up purchasing a replacement on Amazon. Thank goodness that store had it.

Caden was so sad but more than that, he didn't want to tell his teacher that he wouldn't be bringing her zebra back. Hopefully this will be a lesson for him--take care of toys!

The culprit. Bruce is known to steal stuffed animals and chew their eyes out. I don't know what it is but he won't do anything else but take out the eyes. Sometimes a nose if its shiny enough.

Caden's tree frog was found mutilated under the dining table.

Sean's Kanga was found under my bed. Thankfully he paid no attention to the baby in her pouch.

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Sean Got His Shots

Sean
"Excuse me, can you make sure you put the shot ON my leg and not in it?"

Med tech
"Aw sweetie, it's gonna pinch just for a second. It'll be really fast."

Sean
"Just do it really soft ok? Don't do it hard because it'll hurt real bad. Just put it on my leg, not in it ok?

Med tech
"Ok hold Mommy's hand."

First shot
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Second shot
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Med tech
"Just one more sweetie."

Third shot
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Med tech
"There, there. It's all done sweetie."

Sean
"But I asked you to not do it hard! And it hurt so bad!"

My poor little guy. He was so sweet trying to ask the med tech so nicely not to let the shots hurt. It hurt my heart to see him cry.

Later, he told Caden that he got three shots. Caden's eyes widened. "THREE shots? Oh my gosh! Can I see your band aids?" It made me smile when Sean nodded his head, as if he just won a battle.

Later he told me, "Mommy those hurt really bad. My heart hurts." Thankfully he doesn't need anymore shots for a while.

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4 Year Old Shots

Sean:
Mommy I don't want the shot to go IN my leg I just want it to go ON my leg.

Caden:
No Sean. It has to go IN your leg. Through your meat!

Me:
Caden don't talk about it. You're scaring him.

Sean:
Mommy it'll go like this- pook! And I'll go like this Ow ow ow ow ow!!!!! And it'll break my heart!

Caden:
But Mommy I'm not scaring him. I'm telling him the truth. The needle goes through his meat!

Sean:
Nooooo!!!!!!

So Monday Caden overheard the front desk clerk at Sean's daycare tell me that Sean is due for his 4 year old shots.

So Caden spilled the beans as soon as he saw his brother.

It is the topic of the week. And poor Sean keeps trying to convince me that the needle shouldn't go IN his leg. It should go ON his leg.

So I told him that since he's getting big kid shots he gets to pick out a small toy after. And Caden isn't liking that idea at all.

Caden's plan is to scare Sean enough that he won't get shots so he won't get a toy. Well... That's what I am suspecting anyway.

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