My neighbor was kind enough to hook me up with an old friend of his who is stationed in Korea. It was really nice being able to have another single mom connect with me about her experience. She told me about the room I'd probably be living in and gave me some tips on what to bring, what not to bring. She also let me know about the base and what the dining facilities were like there, so I'd probably need a crock pot.
My feeling about Korea today is ... okay. It feels good being able to talk with someone who can actually let me see, mentally, what I'm getting into.
I received a phone call from a good brother-friend of mine, J Guy. He was so upset that I'd be leaving my kids to serve this tour. I was pretty encouraged by him calling to comfort me and share his brotherly love for me. I felt loved.
I'm trying to get a hold of my friend, Daniel, who is currently struggling with a divorce. He and his family are a beautiful thing and I always admired them as a unit. To know that they are suffering so much hurts me and I'm so concerned for them all. He hasn't written me back in almost a month and the last e-mail he wrote expressed how frustrated, angry, and hurt he is. I sent him another e-mail today. Tomorrow, I will try to call him.
Patrick and I are about to Skype tonight. I sent him part one of two Christmas gifts and I want him to open it tonight. Partly because I was worried when he told me that the FedEx guy tossed it onto his porch. It's a wooden humidor! I'm worried it might be broken and I want to be able to have him return it in time for him to receive part two-- eleven very fine Dominican cigars. I couldn't get Cubans. Anyway, I'm excited to see how he'll react if the humidor is in good shape. He likes cigars.
Lastly, I hate keeping this Korea a secret from the kids. I won't break, though. I don't want to hang that over their heads during Christmas. I'll wait til after my oldest boy's birthday in January. Sigh. I hate thinking of leaving them. If you're a parent, you know the feeling.
I wish I could bring Bruce with me. He's my companion, my friend. He may be a dog but he's my favorite person aside from my human-family. He looks at me with giant eyes and I hate knowing I won't see them for a whole year.
Finally, I just want to say that I praise God. For everything. He never wastes a hurt. He never wastes tears. He is my Father. And I love Him so much.
I've decided I'm not going to do the whole dating thing for while. The last one was a disaster. I took a risk on someone who seemed legit and it turned out he was a snake in disguise. It's the nature of dating I suppose. Putting myself out there, taking risks, learning lessons.
I think I'm much better off pushing past the losers, seeing through lies, and being really intentional about choosing the man who is genuinely right.
One thing I will remember about the heartache comes from C.S. Lewis:
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.
I think it's time this single mama gets put back on the market. I figure, I'm a pretty good date. I clean up nice, have a pretty fun personality, I've got good qualities. Why not put myself out there? It would be nice to have someone to talk to and laugh with. I just have to remember how to do this.
So I started talking to someone. He's a single dad too. Two kids who live with him full time. He owns his own business and loves to be outdoors. He seems very nice and I can't help but feel excited. I'm not very quick to get hooked on someone, which I think is a good thing. But it's still exciting to meet someone new. So even if it doesn't work out or we're not compatible... or he's crazy... I know I can walk away at least knowing I gave it a shot.
I know how to look for the red flags, which used to be my downfall. I think my biggest struggle is not running away before I get to actually know him. So this will be an interesting adventure for sure.
So for all you single moms out there who are getting your feet wet in that dating pool, I'd like to list some red flags that you have to be aware of and heed. Plus, it'll help me remember while I'm out there, too!
How Do You Know When To Walk Away?
1. He lets you know all about him by spilling his broken heart stories. He's such a good guy, why can't he find the right girl? Everyone just keeps cheating on him no matter how good he treats them. Aww, woe is him. Nope. He has issues he needs to work on and unless you're dying to mend someone else's broken heart, I'd turn the other way.
2. He is super clingy. If he calls or texts you to wish you a good morning, that's nice. But if he is constantly texting you and gets annoyed that you aren't always texting right back even though you do have a full time job or are busy with kids, run fast. This is not a good sign and is actually a sure sign that he has control issues.
3. He glorifies his mother. Now don't get me wrong, we all love a man who loves his mother. But if he reveals either right away or somewhere down the road that he is totally committed to her ... kind of like one would be committed to a wife... just drop him. And fast. A mama's boy will never change. She will always be at the top of his list and you will never light a candle to her. You don't want a boy, you want a man, right?
4. He can't wait for you to pause while you're talking so he can tell you what's on his mind. Of course, during a conversation, it's a two-way thing. You want feedback and you want participation. But if he's biting his nails to get his two cents in all the time, it's a sign that he's not really interested in what you have to say and more interested in you listening to what he has to say.
5. He quickly talks about sex. He talks about how it's "all about you" and that he's a "pleaser." Step on the brakes now. In the dating stage, your focus should be getting to know someone BEFORE you hit the bedroom. A man should be interested in you, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, what makes you YOU and what makes you special. He should actually like you as a person, not as an object. You're much more valuable than that. Don't give in. Walk away.
6. He's a little too private with his phone. If he's constantly placing his phone face-down so you won't see the caller ID, I'd be a little suspicious. But if he's really quick to pick up the phone and rushing to another room to answer it, red flag.
7. Speaking of phones, if he's a phone-a-holic, you will have to ask yourself if you think he's worth it. If he's constantly on Facebook, texting friends, or checking e-mails, chance are he's not that into you.
Now, I've listed red flags to look for in a man. You've got to make sure you aren't doing any of those things, too. If you're doing any of those things I just listed, you really have to work on them. Guys look for red flags too and they run FAST. In fact, they're much better at that than we are.
I'll be posting a blog about relationships and the things we do to destroy them, intentionally or unintentionally. Keep an eye out!
Today's Blurb
Tomorrow is Caden's 7th birthday. I'm letting him ditch school (he's only had one other missed school day this academic year so I don't feel so bad) and the three of us are going to spend the day celebrating. We have a birthday tradition, which the boys started all on their own. The birthday boy gets to decide if the non-birthday boy can get a gift as well. It's their way of being able to share the day without jealousy. I had no part in this decision.
Well, tonight, Caden asked me if Sean could get two toys instead of one. The birthday boy gets four and the non-birthday boy gets one. I told him, "Caden, the rule is that Sean can only get one."
He looked a little sad and said, "Well, what if I get just three and Sean can get two?"
I thought about this, a bit puzzled at what he was saying. "Caden, you understand that you can get four, right? But you're giving up your fourth gift so that Sean can get two. Are you sure about this?"
He smiled and nodded. "Yes, that way he won't be sad that he only gets one. Besides, three is plenty."
I felt my eyebrows draw together in that confused manner. How the heck did he become so selfless? This is a kid who bullies his younger brother, gets annoyed with him when he feels as if he doesn't have his space, and can't stand when he is out-run by him. Yet, here he is giving up a TOY so that Sean can have another.
I don't remember being that selfless when I was a kid.
S'mores for the first time ever.
Cool Moment
Someone paid me a really great compliment today. I was told that I should be a model because of my facial features. How the heck did I get so lucky to have been told such a thing? Needless to say, I have been really needing a pick-me-up lately. Been feeling a little unpretty. So this compliment has definitely lifted me.
A more important somebody (ahem... Caden) gave me a great compliment as well:
Caden: Mommy, I'm about to pay you a compliment.
Me: Oh really? Okay, what's your compliment?
Caden: I love you more than water.
Let's hope he really really loves water. :-)
Relationships
Trying to rock those grays.
You know, nothing's really going on in the romance department. I've made a single dad friend who I hang out with. We let the kids play while we talk grown up stuff. I also keep in touch with an ex-boyfriend whom I've managed to have kept a friendship with. He's 52 and wonderful. There could be something potential still there, but he's got some stuff he needs to work out which caused us to end the relationship a year and some change ago. Nothing bad, but he's got a major life decision he needs to make and without that decision, we can't really move forward. So for now we're enjoying our friendship and keeping things sweet. Looks like my Valentine's Day will be another lonely one. Maybe I should send myself flowers.
If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
-- Dolly Parton
I love this lady.
Random Photos
When I got out of my car at the Youth Center to pick up Caden,
a gorgeous buck was walking around.
I had to stalk him just a little.
Creative Nonfiction
Amber Still
by Jasmine Shine
AKA
Lucy Diamond/Sibyl Vane/whatever else I use online
We stood there for what seemed like a lifetime, staring at each other with our minds racing. Our breaths were one, a steady rhythm purposely designed to disguise our inner panic. Even the wind seemed to come to a halt. It felt as if the entire world paused, waiting to see what would happen next. Not a single sound was made.
I had just arrived at work after a morning yoga session. For the first time in weeks, my mind was clear. I'd spent nights tossing in bed, disturbed by a bout of mild depression. As a single mother in my early thirties, I was hit with a painful realization that I may just be undesirable to men. This rut brought waves of self esteem attacks and I'd found myself weeping when I was alone and a love song happened to sound within earshot. Yoga seemed to have brought me back to center this morning.
When I pulled into the office's parking lot, I realized all the spaces were taken. I had four other options, each would cause me to walk about five minutes in the winter wind. I decided to take the one that offered a scenic walk.
I smiled when I exited my vehicle, pulled my beanie snugly over my ears, and headed toward the trail head. I stuck my right hand in my jacket pocket, making sure my phone was in there in case I wanted to take a picture. The trail offered a beautiful scene of trees and mountains. I was actually grateful there wasn't any parking at the office parking lot.
The sounds of nature rushed at me and they made me remember the breathing exercises in the yoga class. Fast, sharp breaths as I inhaled while holding the deep squat position and slow exhales as I closed my eyes. In the midst of a gray depression, the exercises pulled me into a place where I was faced with just myself and all my strengths and weaknesses. I remembered who I was and how valuable I really am.
Halfway through the trail, the winter chill nipped at my ears and I tugged at my beanie once again. And that was when it happened. A coyote stepped onto the trail five feet before me. It trotted across, climbed the hill beside me and stopped. We both froze as we realized what had just happened.
My mind raced, searching through that mental checklist we are all supposed to keep that told us what to do when we encounter wild animals. I remembered that for bears, I'm supposed to pretend to be dead. But what was I supposed to do for coyotes? Do I just keep walking? Do I scream at it and wave my arms to make myself appear larger?
As I asked myself these questions, the coyote seemed to also contemplate his next actions. I paused in my thoughts and actually looked at him. He was as big as an average sized dog. He blended in with the woods. Mange had taken over the majority of the back half of his body. His tail resembled that of a rat. And he looked a little thin. What really captured me, though, was his eyes.
They were a brilliant amber that shone in the sun and it almost looked as if I was looking into a pair of amber stones. Wild eyes. They burned holes in me as he stared and I realized he was in a state of desperation. We had a hard summer and the small animals were now scarce. He was hungry. And here I was all alone on a trail he happened to be crossing. An image of him attacking me made me shiver in the cold. And yet, we both just stood there. Silently. Waiting.
If ever there was a moment when I'd regret feeling depressed over matters of loneliness and fear of being undesirable, it was now. At this moment, I valued my self worth. I am a smart woman with plenty to offer a man. I'm a fantastic mom. And I am a damn hard worker. I was not coyote food.
He was beautiful just standing there with his wild reflection of nature. Hungry and contemplative. But I was hungry too. For my life. I stared back at him and stood tall. Taking in a deep breath, I took a quiet step toward him.
Like a dream that ended in a flash when you awoke in a panic, he was gone. His movements made no sound as he disappeared. I stood there, still in awe of my first encounter with a wild predator. I smiled to myself as I turned and continued on the trail.
Anyone can feel the emotion of love. But love is so much more than an emotion. It is an act. And when you love, truly love, you will sacrifice. And when you love and the love is not returned in action, you will hurt. It can hurt badly.
I spoke to a very trusted and wise friend of mine about a recent breakup. I explained the reason for the breakup and why I felt so hurt about it. He hugged me and listened as I spoke. And then he shared wise advice. "Remember this pain, darling. Raise your sons in a way that will best teach them not to cause such pain." It is one of the wisest pieces of advice I could've ever received.
We parents have a tendency to raise our children in a way that benefits ourselves. Many women raise their sons to please their mothers so much that those boys cannot, as men, even detach themselves from her apron strings. Many parents raise their children with the intent on having their children pay them back as they're older when really, they should've given them "a good life" simply because they are their parents.
With each failed relationship, I take the pain and use it as a lesson to learn how to choose better partners. But sometimes after a breakup, I forget that I am raising sons. I am raising boys who will be men one day and will one day love someone. When my friend told me to remember my pain, he didn't say to remember my pain for me. He said it for the women my boys will date or marry one day. How insightful. How right.
"Emma and I have been married 38 years. We've had our amazing moments and there were times when we were miserable. But I am wiser because of it and I love better because of it."
"Shannon and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary"
I'm happy. I'm content. I date, I love, and I end the relationship when we've decided it was the best thing to do. At the end of the day it's really just the kids and me. We are a good, strong family. My priorities are healthy. My career is fulfilling. My pets are warm additions to our little unit. I'm doing a good job.
I'm a good person.
I love deeply.
I challenge myself to work on my weaknesses.
I consistently keep my eye on something steady to keep myself from falling.
I read a blog the other day, written by a man who is in search of a mate. He wrote a blog about single moms and argued why men should stay away from them. We tend to put our children before our boyfriend. At first I was offended; his post seemed to be filled with contempt for single moms. And then I took myself out of my way and re-read the blog and I realized he was really just expressing a desire for a single woman whom could have his children one day. He wanted to share that joy, experience bringing a child into the world with the woman he loved. And I thought, he just wants what we all want. Not to settle.
I read an article about what men to avoid like the plague. It spoke about mama's boys, players, jobless wanderers, and more. I found myself thinking, well doesn't every man fit one of those categories? Then I took myself out of my way again and told myself that maybe not every man fell under one of those toxic categories. I remembered my brother and how good a man he is to his wife and children, to his mom and sisters. I remembered my friends who have been married to their wives for 38 and 25 years. I thought, maybe there really is a good guy out there who wants to commit and be a family man. Maybe there is someone out there for me who will lead his family with love and honor.
Being single really does get lonely. Who doesn't want to sleep in the arms of a warm companion? Who doesn't want a best friend who is also your husband? It gets lonely watching other couples holding hands in public and knowing that I don't have that.
Patience.
I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. I am so grateful for what my God has blessed me with every day.
I am going to raise my boys to be men, not mama's boys, not players, not jobless, not loveless. They will be strong and tender at the same time. They will be responsible. They will love deeply, yet wisely. When I left their father, he said, "If she raises those kids without me, they're going to turn out to be sissies." He couldn't have been more wrong. They are going to be humble and honorable. They are going to be good husbands to their wives and wonderful father to their children.
Someone once told me she was going to raise her son to be a narcissist so that he will be guaranteed success. She doesn't know that the success she's dreaming of is empty, loveless, and he will hate himself. I will raise my children to get back up after they've fallen, to shed tears when their heart is broken, and to fight for what is right and to defend their families. As adults, they will not depend on me to make the right choices. They may ask for guidance but I will never make them lifeless without me. When they date, they will keep me at a distance so that they will love deeply, the way they should.
The only man I will bring into their lives will be one who will teach them these things alongside me.
I am right where I need to be. And I am happy. I get lonely, but I am well-blessed. I am patient.
A friend of mine recently sent me an e-mail about his fear of being alone, of not having anyone to hold. He may soon be a single dad, leaving his abusive wife. His question:
"As a single mom, how do you deal with being alone?"
So, in answer to his question and to all men who have exhausted all their efforts to improve their marriage but to no avail and have decided to leave... but are afraid of being alone, here is my response:
How I deal with being alone
It took me a while to get used to being alone. Before I left my second husband, I had never been by myself. It was scary. I relied on friends and a therapist. Both were awesome. But I learned that what I really needed was myself. And this was a journey that has completely changed my life and any future relationships.
I learned to spend mornings by myself before the kids woke up. I'd drink coffee and read a portion of my bible. I'd spend a few minutes reflecting on it and how it applied to my life. Then at night, after the kids fell asleep in their beds, I went outside for a cigarette and some wine. I'd look up at the stars and think about how they looked to me when I was a child. It is amazing how life changes your innocent perspective the older you get. When I was a kid, I used to believe those stars were little secrets God placed in the sky for us find out when we went to heaven. Now, how often do we even look at the stars in awe? Spending time with myself gave me the opportunity to really go back into myself and speak to the soul I'd ignored for years.
I took this while on a walk in the sunset.
I read books that were entertaining and books that were soul searching. I learned that I loved photography and brought a camera with me almost everywhere. I took up hobbies that I found and learned what I didn't like or what I wasn't good at. I undid the co-dependency I had adopted from my childhood and discovered what kind of things I really liked and what I didn't like. And to be okay with that. The harder part of learning myself was learning those things I didn't like, the things that brought me into unhealthy relationships.
I found that I sought men as validation of my value. And I hated that. I felt like without a man, I really sucked. On my own, my kids filled that void. Being a good mom was almost an achievement that I could hold proudly for all to see. I had to learn who I really was and like myself, love myself, without depending on men or my kids to prove I was valuable. So I sought to discover my passions. What did God plant in me?
I discovered a few passions: children, animals, and the emotional and physical care they require. Seeking ways to fulfill my purpose is a beautiful thing. I've created art and written blogs about them. I've read books and joined groups. Pursuing my passions has fulfilled me immensely.
As for the physical stuff.... as humans, we crave it. We aren't meant to be alone. This was probably one of the biggest challenges. I actually made a few mistakes in this regard. I still managed to find a guy to sleep with. It was fun for about a week until I realized what a fool I was. I wasn't searching for love or even a friend in him. And he wasn't either. So I got my head out of my ass and ended that. After speaking with the therapist about it, I learned to forgive myself and to give myself credit that at least this time I didn't wait until I married him before I realized my mistake. I was much quicker. Now I had to learn not to find intimacy that way. It all went back to that one thing:
ME
Once I became comfortable and HAPPY with who I was and that as an individual, I was a great person, then I had to figure out what I wanted in a partner. What are my boundaries? What do I not like? What will I NOT put up with? No superficial stuff like forgetting to put the cap on the toothpaste or putting the toilet seat down. I had to make boundaries that were important to me like loving kids and animals and treating their parents lovingly and having goals. My potential partner must not have issues that they were struggling with that would compromise who I was as a person and how my kids would be impacted. Even if I wasn't looking for a dad for them, I had to seek men who had good values and morals.
In the meantime, being alone without physical affection was really tough. I had to deal with that the way an alcoholic would deal without a drink. I had to learn to be patient. And to keep that part special and to only share it with someone who was worth it. In other words, until I found someone worthy of myself, I would need to rely on taking care of myself in that regard! Haha! Sucks, but it was worth it emotionally.
"The worst thing in life is not ending up all alone, but ending up with people who make me feel all alone."
-- Robin Williams
For the men
I know this is different for you in many ways. For one, you are a man. Men's needs are so different from women's. Second, you may be a single dad. Your time with your kids will be different than mine. That might leave you with MORE time with yourself and more expectations you'll have as a single dad. Your role to them is different than mine is. Society's opinion of your role is different than it is on mine. But one thing is not so different: You need to find out what God put inside you and how you need to use that to find your purose. That will determine the person you become, how you fulfill those things that are left empty when you become a single man, single dad, divorced man, etc.
The physical stuff--the importance of it is HUGE. So you'll have to rely on self control to keep its value.
I found that the hardest part in becoming a single mom was not the alone part but actually walking out the door. After that, the challenges were different and some seemed bigger than others, but none (even being alone) were as hard as actually making that step and sticking to it. It is the most important part and the one thing that will lead to change.
Making the decision and taking that step
will guarantee one thing that is worth being alone.
Before Christ saved me, I was okay with eating the scraps off the table of relationships. I was so desperate for "love" that I took whatever I could get. But Christ revealed to me how valuable I am. And I am no longer okay with sleazy men. I am no longer okay with flings.
Christ has cleaned my list of things I'm okay with. He has made me refuse to settle. And I'm left feeling as if no one in the world is left. And that is my problem with Christianity.
But is it a problem, really? Sometimes I think it makes being happy hard. But happiness is conditional, so why settle for that? Sometimes it makes me lonely. But that is where my God has given me friends, family, and Himself. Sometimes it makes me lose hope. But God is working on a thing called patience and has promised that with patience comes joy - something that is not conditional... unless it excludes Him.
I guess if Christianity is a problem, it is because it means I have to work toward my "one day" instead of settling for less and wishing I didn't. It is a problem because less men will find me attractive... but if they haven't found God, then they haven't really seen me and how beautiful God has made me.
I suppose it is only a problem because I choose to no longer be led by my skin. My God loves me more than any man ever has and ever will. And I feel that love more than I feel the sultry words of a love poem, more than I feel the excitement of a lustful kiss, and more than I feel in a lie that sounds as sweet as the truth I wish it was.
I am okay with the problem of Christianity. Because my God has a love for me so big that it is unfathomable. He has a love for me that I sometimes wonder why He feels I am worth it. He has a love for me that no man can ever provide. And as much as the loneliness can hurt sometimes, I believe that my Father is sitting beside me waiting for me to feel His embrace.
Christianity is my filter. My faith helps me see through the skin in search of God in others.
I think Christianity is a problem... for mankind who cannot see past the fleshly desires of the world.
"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ,
that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."
Wow.I have been having a heck of a time waking up lately!I suck in the mornings.So my alarm rang at 0430 and I was thinking “Wow, okay, let me get up at 0445 so I can get the day started nice and calmly.”Nope.It was 5 til 0600 before I jumped out of bed in a mad dash to getting the kids up and the day started.So much for calm.I don’t go crazy, though.I remember going nuts once and I felt really bad because I was actually mad and the kids didn’t do anything to cause it.So I apologized to them and told them I was really mad at myself because I woke up late.After that, I always let them know if I’m in a hurry but I don’t take it out on them.The boys are such good sports about it.
On the way to the base, Caden told the car in front of us, “Come on, car, don’t you know my mom will be late?”Lol.I laughed and told him, “It’s okay, Caden.It’s not their fault I’m running late.”Then Sean said, “Well Mommy, is it YOUR fault?”Sigh.
Then I got to work (right on time, which is late, right?) and made it to our first-day-of-the-week 0730 meeting.Somehow I was able to spout off a list of agenda items for the week as if I had been thinking about it all morning long.I almost patted myself on the shoulder for appearing all smart and on top of things.
Then I had coffee and spent the day typing away. I even had a chance to make some creative side notes during a long meeting. At the end of the day I rushed off to the dry cleaners to drop off some uniforms.
The first day of the week is always a bit hard, isn’t it?
Kids And Their Words
Yesterday, I was doing homework on my computer in the living room while the boys were busy building Transformers and creating fight scenes.Well, Sean really really wanted to show me what he was doing.
Sean:
Mommy, look, Optimus tore this bad guy’s arms off!
Me:
Aww (obviously engrossed in homework)
Sean:
No, Mommy, it’s not “Aww”
Me:
(Turning to look at him)
What?
Sean:
It’s not “Aww” because the bad guy is a bad guy.
Me:
Just because he’s a bad guy doesn’t mean he’s bad… guy.(My Wreck-It Ralph moment)
Sean:
No, Mommy.It’s not funny.He’s really a bad guy and Optimus just tore his arms off.So it’s like this:Yeah!Go Optimus!
Movie Review
The latest movie craze in my home right now is Van Helsing.A little much for young kids, I know.But that was a lesson fail on my behalf.You see, Sean came up to me with the movie in his hand (he dug through the DVD binder) and told me he wanted to watch it.I told him it was scary, and he said he wouldn’t be scared.So I thought I won when he ran away during the opening scene.Then he ran away during the Mr. Hyde battle.Then he ran away during the were-wolf scene.And then… Dracula’s brides came.And they looked lovely.He particularly liked the blonde that said, “Too bad, so sad,” in her sexy Transylvanian accent.And Sean was hooked.He quickly got over his fear and now he wants to watch the whole movie over and over again.
If you’ve seen the movie, you know it rocks anyway.But, seriously?Do boys really start that young?
Random Pic From My Camera
If you haven't noticed, I just love coffee.
I know as I get older, I will have to cut down.
But it makes everything just right.
Work bosses are tolerable.
Gossipers are ignored.
Life is good.
Highlight Story
We were at McDonald’s yesterday.It was just the boys, a 1 yr old and a little girl.Well, Sean decided the best way to entertain a 1 year old was to repeated run across the room and crash into a wall, dramatically falling down onto the floor.I swear I wasn’t on drugs when I was pregnant with him.The floor at McDonald’s scares the life out of me.But that 1 year old sure did have a blast.As did Sean – I think he just needed an excuse to go crazy.
Current Obsession
For years, I’ve had the Trail of Painted Ponies on my shopping list on Amazon.I’ve never bought one because I’ve never been able to justify spending almost $40 on a decorative horse.There’s always something else that needs to be bought.But The Children’s Prayer Pony showed up on Amazon and I just fell in love.It’s beautiful.And he is sitting on my bookshelf at work right now.I’m so happy I got him!
I love country.I just do.It’s romantic.It’s fun.And it’s just plain country.Trace Adkins is a friggin country genius.This song, Hot Mama, just makes me feel… like a woman.What can I say?Check it out—Moms, it’ll really make you smile.
Featured Book
Silent To The Bone by E.L. Konisburg
This book captivated me from the very first page.It is easy to read, but man is it deep.It is about a teenaged boy who is accused of harming his infant sister to the point of putting her in a coma.His best friend, Connor, doesn’t believe he did it but the boy is not talking.It is a very touching book even in its simple words.
Here’s the Amazon review:
What happened on Wednesday, November 25, 2:43 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, to cause Branwell Zamborska to become mute? All anyone knows is that he called 911 because his baby sister, Nikki, had stopped breathing, and when he was unable to speak to the operator, Vivian, the English au pair, came on the line to say that Branwell had dropped the baby and shaken her. His best friend, Connor, begins visiting him at the juvenile behavioral center, where he has been sent while Nikki remains in a coma at the hospital. Working out a code they both can use, Connor begins the long process of trying to communicate with his friend to find out what really happened. With the help of his own half-sister and some canny detective work, Connor uncovers a complex, multilayered tale of human desires, adolescent confusion, and a touch of menace.
So this dude bought a cardboard box full of junk for $46 at an auction. One of the items in the box was a tiny painting. It hid in his drawer for, like almost ever, and well.... he finds out it's worth more than $390K! It's a painting done by John Constable. What the friggin heck. I'm definitely picking up yard sale shopping again.
Money Saving Tip
Use a calculator while you shop!! When you have a constant eye on how much you're spending, while you're spending, you become very cautious about your money. I've cut my grocery bills in half just by doing this. You'll start to really ask yourself if you really need what you're putting in that cart. Or if you really need that brand. Lots of store brand items are just as good-- and you can choose to go with a name brand item if it really means a lot to you. But seriously, bring that calculator. Try it. I'd love to know your thoughts after you do!
Random Opinion
Facebook Isn't Everything
Would you say privately to another Facebook friend something you posted on Facebook? I know, I know. Ponder that one for me.
I've been guilty of posting a rant about something another Facebook friend posted on their page. I didn't use his/her name. I didn't call them out. But I knew damn well that if he/she read it, they'd know I was talking about them and if they confronted me, all I would say is, "No not you." We all do it. But I lost my friendship with someone because we both disagreed with each other about something and we both posted our opinions on Facebook as if we were debating without talking to each other. Once I lost her friendship, I realized my childish mistake.
It is a common behavior when it comes to social media. So many people fall into this mindset that just because we're behind a computer, we can't be held accountable for our actions. But we're wrong. If we truly love and respect our friends and family, we need to stop. If we want to be credible, we need to stop.
If you have a problem with a Facebook friend, confront them privately. Otherwise, it's almost another form of bullying. Actually, I think it IS a form of bullying. Calling people out on Facebook without using their names is cowardly. It makes others feel sorry for you and rally to your side and get you to feel validated, but that other person wasn't even given the opportunity to resolve the issue. You have brought others into your two-person conflict. The more I write, the more I do believe it is bullying.
Look, I love Facebook. I'm all over it! It is a wonderful way to connect with family and friends. It's a quicker way to share pictures and precious moments. It's a way to watch your nieces and nephews grow from afar. But it is not everything.
Like I said earlier, it is not a good way to vent about things another Facebook friend is doing to you. If you have a problem with that person, handle it privately. By putting that on Facebook, you let everyone else know -- and not only do they not need to know, they are put in a really uncomfortable position of trying to console you without getting involved.
Facebook is not a good way to pick on your friends about why your beliefs are right and theirs are not. Everyone has a right to their own opinions, beliefs and values. These things are part of their character, it is who they are. Why take that away from them?
Facebook is not a good way to seek therapy. Your friends and family love you. And it is good to ask for advice. But if you continually post drama and don't take advice, it comes off as attention-seeking and people get tired of trying to take care of someone whom they really can't help. If you really need help, seek a therapist. They really do help!
I'm not perfect and I slip up too. But I believe I have grown from making these mistakes. And I really hope others do too. If we truly want happiness, it is in our own hands. We can change our lives. Others cannot do this for us.
I guess I'll end this on an inspirational note with a quote from Thomas Chalmers:
The grand essentials of life are something to do, something to love, something to hope for.
I'm really big on making my home a happy place. It's gotta look cozy and welcoming, it's gotta smell like food, and it's gotta sound like life. My home is never pristine and it'll drive a neat freak absolutely bonkers. But my kids (and anyone else's kids who come over) feel like this is HOME. And that's important to me.
When you are having people over for dinner, a BBQ, a party, whatever, hopefully you will want them to feel comfortable in your home. Here are a few things you might find helpful for the next time your guests are planning on coming over.
What you don't want your guests to walk into:
The Uptight, Don't-Do-This-Or-That-House
You know what house I'm talking about. And see? I've already used the word "house" instead of "home." It's the type of house that's so clean and orderly with tons of those breakable objects and expensive paintings that the average person looking to have a good time with some friends will feel terribly uncomfortable even walking into. When you're walking into a home like this, you feel as if you're walking into a museum. The host is probably polite enough, but you feel as if you can't afford to touch anything in case you smudge it with your fingerprint and find out the object you've touched has been passed down from generation to generation and "everyone" knows you don't just pick that up. What you usually hear from the host or people who've been to this place once before are things like, "Oh we don't sit on that chair, that's an heirloom," "Actually, could your kids stop jumping? We don't allow loud feet in here," "Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry but we don't walk on the grass." Unless you're planning a fancy dinner party, don't let your guests feel like they're walking on thin ice the moment they step into your home.
The Real "Don't Mind The Mess" House
Many people say, "Please don't mind the mess" when people walk into their home. It's a habitual way of demonstrating humility or modesty about one's home. But when you say it and prayerfully mean it, maybe you should've rescheduled the visit. Here's what not to do: Don't leave your laundry on the couch-- even though you've already washed and dried it, your guests simply see a pile of clothes and please don't let there be an underwear hanging out. If your dog poops on the floor, even if it's on a puppy pad, please please please clean that up before your guests arrive. And spray some air freshener. If you have a pot of last night's dinner on the stove-- throw the food out and wash the pot. Put on a bra-- enough said. But most of all, if you are a hoarder (a true hoarder) please seek help before letting people come in. Unless they're trying to get you out of there. Now don't get me wrong, these are little things individually, but if you're really not ready to have company over, simply give your home a quick pick-up. Put that load of clean laundry on your bed, clean up any yucky messes and air out your home. It's good to let your home look lived in, but try not to let your guests feel uncomfortable or gross staying in it.
The House With "That Dog"
I love animals. I have 4 pets of my own. But I wouldn't ever want my guests to feel assaulted when I let them in. My dog doesn't jump on guests-- he'll definitely approach them and hope for some pets, but he doesn't go crazy jumping all over them begging for a treat. If you're a dog owner, it is a really beneficial thing to train your dog. He doesn't have to have his Canine Good Citizen certification but he should be well mannered. Not only would you be showing your guests that they are welcome in your home, but it is really great for your dog! If you must have people over and your dog is just not a people kind of person, you might want to crate him while people are over.
What You Do Want Your Guests To Walk Into:
The Comfortable, Easy-Going Home
Your home should feel like home to welcomed guests-- and your family! You don't have to make it look beautiful. You don't have to feel bad about your kids jumping up and down. And you definitely shouldn't apologize for even having a dog. There are a ton of little things you can do to make your home FEEL happy. Think of your five senses and go from there:
See: Your home should look comfy and cozy.
Put a throw on the couch.
Hang a fresh hand towel by your sink.
Clean your guest bathroom.
Get some fresh flowers and put the vase in the middle of your dining or entry table.
Let your kids play!
Brush your dog.
Hear: A quiet home is an uncomfortable one.
Turn the TV on, not too loud but enough for background noise. Put on a good, clean comedy.
Leave a couple (just a couple) of dishes in the sink so when you let your guests in you can leave them to have a seat and you can wash the dishes. It lets them relax.
Talk to them!
Smell: Food is always a good welcoming gesture.
Before your guests arrive, heat up a pan of olive oil and some garlic. Keep it on low so as not to let it burn. Garlic, although not a good kissing scent, is a great way to break up any nervousness in the atmosphere.
Heat up a candle warmer with some kind of baked goods scent. I personally like my Scentsy blueberry cheesecake scent.
Touch: When people are nervous, they tend to need something to keep their hands busy.
Brush your dog!
Keep a comfy teddy bear on the couch.
Have a few books or magazines out.
Knick-knacks are great for keeping guests entertained.
Taste: Again, food is always a good welcoming gesture.
If your guests are not coming for dinner or a party, have a bowl of chips or pretzels out on your dining or coffee table.
Make a good queso or other type of dip.
Have a pitcher or iced tea or water out for them.
I'm a huge home person. I love my home and when people come over I want them to feel at home. Most of all, though, I want my kids to remember the feeling of home as a good, loving place that they always felt safe in both emotionally and physically.
I keep a variety of soaps in a bowl by my kitchen sink. It adds color and makes people smile.
I've seen it!
My fridge holds things that makes me smile. Pictures, art, and good coupons.
I keep my fruit, veggies and bread in baskets on my counter. It looks busy but also fun!
My home would drive a neat freak crazy!! My dining room is also a mini-library and art space.
Yup. I sure did. The enlisted team and I were playing wallyball. If you've never played wallyball before, you can read about it here. It's pretty similar to volleyball but in a racquetball court. It's wild, crazy and sometimes painful. But it's a lot of fun and as nonathletic as I am, I always end up enjoying it.
For the past 7 months, I'd been in charge of the team while our boss was deployed. It has been a really interesting experience. I've been involved with each individual member of the team both personally and professionally. I've had to discipline in a way that doesn't take away their ability to confide in me when their personal life is affecting their work. I've had to constantly watch myself and how I'm portraying my own values and ethics. I can't expect the team to be prompt every day if I'm always late. I can't hold them accountable if I myself am running from my integrity. It's been a bit rough... but pretty rewarding as well.
Before the boss returned from his deployment, the crew decided we should spend one last hurrah together. So we did some glow golf (awesome black light putt putt) and a laser race (you know, those lasers in high-vis banks or museums?). We had an absolute blast!
So for PT last week, we played wallyball. I really suck at it. I got hit on my right boob, bruised both my wrists, and took a shot to the face. They laughed. But they also high-fived me. I'm going to miss being their leader. They're a great team.
Being a single mom is tough enough when it comes to dating. First, you gotta keep the guy outta your family until your relationship with him has proven to be solid after time. Second, your choice in men might not only have changed for you but you have to realize that you have baggage that not many men are up to accepting. Kids are frightening to single men! Stepping into a family is a huge deal and it takes a special kind of guy to want to do it. With both those obvious dating challenges being mentioned, think about the single mom who's in the military. That's another huge chunk of baggage.
Being a single military mom doesn't only involve dragging kids to the base daycare at 4am for an exercise or bringing them to work with you when you get called in on a day off and you don't have a sitter. There are deployments, short tour assignments to overseas bases and long assignments that can keep you at the next place for at least 4 years. So dating comes with the understanding that you may not be at that particular location for as long as you might like. It means that if you're deeply into the person you're dating and you get orders to another base, you are faced with a dilema.
I leave for my new assignment in two months. I will be leaving behind Patrick. We've been dating for quite some time; long enough for him to be there during all the cool and not-so-cool changes in my kids. Long enough to learn what irritates us about each other and what completely woos us about each other. We're currently friggin heartbroken about my departure.
Although I am excited about the new assignment and being near my brothers, I am really really sad about leaving Patrick. I've come up with all these ideas like leaving the kids with my brothers every other month for a week and flying to visit him. Or Skyping with him. Or writing (not emailing but handwriting) letters for some old fashioned romantic fun. I've dreamt up all sorts of cool ideas that'll help make our distance tolerable. But at the end of the day when the kids are asleep and it's just the two of us on the phone, I can't help but hang up with him because I don't want him to hear me cry. I'm sad. I don't want to leave him.
I knew from the beginning that this time would eventually come. We both knew. We've talked about it and sometimes one of us would randomly bring up the "what if" question. So it wasn't a surprise. But the knowledge and understanding of him dating a military girl and me dating as a military girl didn't stop us from actually falling in a little too deep for military comfort. The military doesn't stop people from dating. Jeez, in fact people in the military date more than anything with the size of our population and constant opportunities to meet new people. But it does have the expectation of commitment.
I've served my country for 10.5 years. That's a long time and I've grown to love it. The military and I have had a relationship that has been through so many changes and over time those changes only feed my commitment to it. In the beginning, I swore I wouldn't reenlist. I've gone from being a know-it-all young girl to a salty supervisor who's seen enough to know a lot but not enough to claim anything but experience. Through my years I've learned that of all the things that are pounded into us, commitment is the one solid thing that is expected and with it I will succeed not only as a military member but as a woman, a mom and one day a wife. That's because commitment isn't just about the military, it's about us individually.
When we deploy, we rely on commitment to keep our families strong and full of integrity. Spouses that cheat on each other are good examples of that lack of commitment to each other. When we date, we understand that because we are in the military our relationship isn't going to be in the lead. The military will move you to another location one day. Or maybe your work days will change to midshift while your girlfriend is a 9-5 worker. You'll have to go on a temporary duty for a couple of weeks to another state. There are tons of things that call us to duty and it makes dating challenging. All the time.
So Patrick and I are currently sitting in this challenge. I don't know how it's going to pan out. If I could lead our relationship, I'd do it with the "We can do it" mentality. I'm all for making it work. Our relationship has been pretty darn solid and I believe it has great potential to turn into more. I truly would grab Patrick by the hand and drag him (not literally or anything) through this relationship saying, "Babe we can do it. This ain't a thing." But I can't. There are two of us in the relationship. I can certainly display that optimistic attitude about it but if there's a fraction of doubt in his mind, it'll totally just kill our chances. So I don't know what will happen.
This is definitely not a fun Single Military Mom challenge.
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