Leaving Again

A couple of weeks ago I left my boys for a one-week TDY to Virginia to attend a Non-Commissioned Officer Leadership retreat.  The week prior was crammed with crazy deadlines, on-the-spot demands and late nights.  Not to mention, handing off all my work to my second in command so he could successfully manage the shop.  It wasn’t until 2 am the Sunday of my departure that my anxiety about leaving kicked in.

I hadn’t slept.  I spent all night making sure I had everything ready to go.  At two o’clock it hit me.  I was leaving my kids again.  Sure it would only be for a week instead of nine months again.  Still, though, Caden just recently complained about a toothache the night before and Walmart was out of Oral Gel.  And yesterday, Sean asked me why he couldn’t come with me on my trip. 

Every day for the last week, I counted down the days with both kids, reminding them that I was leaving but that I’d be back.  “Just for five days, right Mommy?” Caden asked.  I had been so busy that not only had I not prepared for the trip until the last minute but I didn’t prepare emotionally to leave my kids.

So there I sat on the couch, checking Facebook and glancing at the clock every ten minutes.  At three-thirty, my hands started to shake and my belly began to cramp.  The taxi was due to arrive at four.  I looked at the boys as they slept. 

Caden was asleep in what looked like a very uncomfortable position.  I picked him up to move him and his little brown eyes slowly opened.  With a sigh, he wrapped his legs around me and snuggled his face into my chest.  Breathing in one last whiff of his scent, I held him a little tighter before laying him back down.

Sean was curled face-down with his knees almost to his chest and his hands beneath his belly.  He has always been such a cuddler.  Even in his sleep he made sure the pillow snuggled him.  I pulled his blanket over his back and kissed his head.

At three fifty-eight, the cab driver called to tell me he was outside.  Marie stood to hug me.  I felt my chest tighten and a lump rose in my throat.  “Okay,” I said as I headed to the door.  “Let’s not talk or I’ll cry.”

She smiled and nodded her head.  “Okay.”

I walked out, looked over my shoulder at her and said, “I love you.”  Without giving her a chance to say it back, I hurried to the cab.

I don’t think it matters really how long you’ll be gone.  The moment you step outside you know you won’t be there to see them wake up in the morning or hear them whisper and giggle at night when they know they need to be asleep.  Of all the things one could possibly face being in the military, leaving your loved ones behind is always the hardest.

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Capoeira

"Oh cool, I should do that one day."

"Hmm, maybe I should look into that."

"I gotta try that!"

Have you ever noticed how many times you say you're going to try something but never do it?  You're involved in a cool conversation and you find yourself thinking "Wow, I wanna do that."  But you walk away from the discussion already deciding that you'll probably never do it.  It's just something nice to think about.  You make up excuses for why you can't.  Your schedule doesn't allow it.  You don't have enough money.  You can't find a sitter.  Sometimes the reasons you can't are really valid reasons.  And sometimes?  Sometimes they're just excuses.  Well, I'm pretty notorious for making excuses.  Finally a friend of mine kind of cornered me and I couldn't come up with any reasons.  So I did it.

My friend Daniel sometimes talks about his son's Capoeira class and how much fun it is.  I've heard about the Brazilian martial art.  It's incredible- really something that moves you when you watch it.  Capoeira is a martial art that combines fighting, music and dancing.  There's a lot of history behind it and is pretty popular today.  So while listening to Daniel talk about it one day, I said "Man, I gotta look into signing Caden up for a class."  And WHAM.  As soon as the words left my mouth, Daniel already had a response, "Cool, well there's a special right now where the first month is free and if you like it you can sign up for a permanent place in the class."  Uh.... did I really mean it when I said it?

To make a long story short, after a few "Maybe another time" lies, Daniel's wife gave me a discount card and told me exactly where the class is.  I was scheduled to work a late shift the day of class so Daniel said, "I'll switch with you.  Take Caden to the class."

We went last night.  We loved it.  Why was I so hesitant in the first place?  Because I get stuck in my comfort zone, my daily routine.  One more new thing requires a new change to my schedule.  I am pretty darn introverted so I hate new activities that involve being with other people.  But last night I remembered that it's not always about me.  Caden had a blast!  Why wouldn't I want to get him into a class that was different from regular school playtime? 

I guess what I learned out of this is this:  It is healthy and OK to step out of your comfort zone and do something that you think would be fun.  Instead of sitting around thinking how much you wish you could do XYZ, get out and do it.

Caden's teacher told me that Caden will do very well in the class.  She said he is physically strong and agile and will be just fine.  I'm glad I was almost FORCED to step out of my routine to let my little guy learn something new and fun.

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Wise Big Brother

Caden: Sean I'm holding your feet. You gotta do situps ok?

Sean: Ok. You'll hold my feet good?

Caden: Yep.

Sean: Ok!

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Kids Work Too

I love taking my kids to work!

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You Can Make it Turn

We moved to Colorado in the middle of August. We drove for about 23 hours and when we arrived I thought it was one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. But I was too nervous about the new job, new home and being away from Patrick to allow myself to fall in love with the place.

The kids started daycare almost immediately after the first weekend. The first day I brought Caden and Sean to their daycare classes, an indoor potted plant with a cardboard pinwheel sticking out of its soil greeted us. It was huge, brightly colored and boy did it just call Caden's name. He went straight for it and started blowing.

"Caden, it's too big to spin when you blow it. It's not a toy pinwheel. It's just a decoration." I was too much in a hurry to meet their teachers that watching him blow at this thing over and over was making my head hurt.

Finally he stopped and grinned at me. "Well," he answered, "I can make it turn." With his little index finger he lightly pushed at the yellow cardboard wing and watched as the whole pinwheel slowly turned clockwise. With wide eyes he squealed in laughter and pushed it again, this time a little harder.

Sean, who was busy looking through the glass doors as this was taking place, whirled around at the sound of Caden's laughter. Instantly, he laughed and jumped up and down, squealing, "It's turning!"

I couldn't help but smile at them right then. Alone in my car while they were settled into their classrooms, I marveled at the simplicity of Caden's answer. I can make it turn. There I was, in this gorgeous state, spending so much energy being nervous and feeling heartsick that I didn't even think that maybe all I had to do was make things turn. Change is never really easy. And of course I was going to miss Patrick. He's three states away! But it didn't mean I was stuck with a decorative pinwheel. I could make this a beautiful adventure. I wanted this pinwheel in the first place and now that I have it, dang it I'm gonna make it turn.

Now, almost 3 months have gone by and not once have I hated being here. Sure there are days when I get lonely. There are times when I hate the parking lot in my apartment complex. And twice I almost slipped on a sheet of ice. But I don't forget to make an effort to enjoy this assignment. It doesn't mean I will love it every day. It means that I'm going to be excited about life, whether it's snuggling up with my kids in front of the fire place or simply reading a book. My life is not a decorative pinwheel. It can turn and be a glorious whirl of colors. If I just choose to make it turn.

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Pepper Pots

It was a frustrating night.  Bruce ran away for about the fifth time since we’ve moved in.  We were out on a walk and with his nose to the ground, I had a feeling he already knew there was a bunny out.  Sure enough, his head bolts up and he spots the unsuspecting bunny a few yards away.  In a flash, he springs forward and the leash is stripped out of my hand.  Ticked off, I go back inside the apartment with the kids who are now nagging me about how we have to get Bruce back.  I don't want to go after him.

We moved into the apartment about a month ago and since then we've been living with boxes everywhere and everyone stepping all over each other.  Bruce is 90 lbs and is constantly squeezing past the kids and me. Now, at my new job, we get home later than usual and sometimes even VERY late so I haven't had much time at all to unpack as quickly as I'd like.  Don't get me wrong- there's been lots of progress, but there are still boxes in our way.  To summarize it all, we have little quality time at home and we are squished!

So, I finally got Bruce back and proceeded to get dinner started.  Meanwhile, the kids were being really loud as they jumped on the couch and played with their Iron Man toys.  Between chopping onions and bell peppers and calling to them for "quiet voice," I could feel my blood pressure rising.  However, we managed to get through dinner. 

As I was washing our after-dinner dishes, Caden approached me with two toys in his hands- Iron Man and a plastic Lego woman.  “Mommy, I have Pepper!”  He held out the Lego woman so I could see.

“Pepper?” I asked, caught off guard by the announcement. At this time I was tired from a long day of work, pissed off at Bruce for running away again, irritated with the high volume of children playing, feeling claustrophobic from all the opened boxes and unorganized junk everywhere, and my mind was preoccupied with the checklist of to-do items like laundry, bill-paying, etc.  The last thing I could think about was who exactly Pepper was.

“Yes!” His eyes were wide and a smile was stretched across his face.

Then it hit me.  “Oh!” I exclaimed, “Pepper Pots!”  I watched as he turned from me and ran off toward Sean.

“Sean, Sean!  I have Pepper!”

I stood there for a moment and listened as they role played two Iron Mans and Pepper Pots fighting bad guys.  I finished the dishes and approached them.  “So, Pepper Pots isn’t a superhero is she?”

Caden grinned up at me, slightly surprised that I had taken an interest in their activity.  “No, she’s just a friend.  But she’s really cool.”  Then he held the plastic Lego girl up so I could see her.  “Here, Mommy, you can be Pepper.”

I smiled at him as I realized that this entire month has been filled with frustration.  I’ve been doing nothing but learning my new job and fulfilling my motherly tasks as caregiver and housekeeper.  I haven’t been engaging in any real play with them.

As parents, we do that a lot.  We keep ourselves in this little tunnel and only see the things that are constantly attacking us.  We get so involved with tasks and stress that we get too tired to stop and play with our kids.  And sometimes when we do “play” with them, all we really do is give them the courtesy “that was cool” comment or the fake laugh when our minds are really thinking about budgets and unpacking our boxes.

I took the plastic Lego girl in my hand and grinned.  “Hey, Iron Man,” I said, facing the toy toward Caden’s.  I took the Mommy hat off and tossed it aside for the night.  Tonight, I thought to myself, I’m pepper Pots.

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Brothers

Caden: See I'm making a McDonald's, Sean.
Sean: That's a really Really big McDonald's.
Caden: Yeah and you can't go in because you're too big.
Sean: I'm too big for that McDonald's?
Caden: Yeah and you can't bring your toys in.
Sean: That's a cool McDonald's.

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Standing Up for Others

"Hey that's mine!"

I watched from a distance as Sean's face filled with dismay.  His little cheeks were red and his lower lip stuck out in an angry pout.  He glared at the 6 year old boy who had run up to him and snatched his beloved Buzz Lightyear right out of his hands, smirking and saying, "Ha! I got your toy!"

We were at the small playground on our apartment grounds.  It was a fair size, never crowded with children, and I usually let Bruce run off leash since it was gated and he was great with kids of all ages.  The location of the playground was chosen wisely as we never once had the sun beat down on us.  Or maybe it was just because I only took them there when the sun was lower in the day.  

Today there were three other children at the playground... and no adult in sight other than myself.  Two of the children, a boy and girl, appeared to be siblings around the ages of 7 or 8.  They looked alike and played with each other.  The third child was 6; I found that out later.  This third child, a boy, was by himself and seemed to cope with his solitude not by playing nicely with the other two kids who were closer to his age but by immediately sailing to mine who were 4 and 2.  

He was a scrawny looking boy with a very unique haircut.  His head was shaved except for the bangs, which were long and dirty blonde.  He wore a pair of faded blue jeans which were ripped at the knee and a black t-shirt.  All that was missing was the earring.  He was a cute looking boy with bright blue eyes and a smile that I'm sure would melt any heart around if it wasn't permanently formed into a smirk.  He was the playground bully.

He tried to bully Caden by grabbing his plastic robot, which Caden named Crisco (please don't ask why, I have no idea).  But his attempt failed when Caden smiled and said, "You can play with it.  He's cool!"  And the bully just left him alone.  I felt a bit proud of Caden then, seeing that instead of fighting with the boy he avoided trouble by being nice to him.  So the bully moved on.  To Sean.

He ran to Sean, who was just coming off the slide happily clutching his Buzz Lightyear toy, and snatched that toy right from his hands.  When Sean announced his dislike for such an act, the boy fed off this and taunted him saying, "Ha!  I took your toy!"

Instead of rushing to my little guy's rescue, I decided to observe.  I wanted to see not just how Sean would react but how Caden would.  And I was especially curious about the other two children who were there with the bully prior to our arrival.

I didn't have to wait long.  Sean chased the bully with tearful cries for his Buzz and the bully continued to run and laugh at him.  Finally, the girl stepped in the bully's way and said, "Hey, give that toy back to him!  Stop being such a bully!"

Immediately the boy tossed the toy aside and said, "Aw I was just playing with him."  He went on to playing by himself while Caden rushed to his toy.

I was amazed at this.  Caden, who is usually first to come to his brother's rescue, was too distracted by his own activities to check out the problem.  The girl and boy seemed to be talking to each other as the bully was attempting to mess with Caden and they continued to chat as he moved on to Sean.  And it was the girl who took the stand.  It was really interesting.

Most of us have experienced someone standing up for us at some point in our lives.  Maybe not a lot and maybe not recently.  But I'd be willing to bet we would all remember every occasion when it happened.  When I was in kindergarten, I always sat in the front row of the school bus on the way home because there weren't a many kids on the bus and my mom, who worked at an elementary school, was friends with the bus driver.  And there was this fifth grader who always picked on me.  She always told the bus driver that I wanted to be the one to open the door - and I never did!  I hated doing it.  I always felt like people were just watching me and if that handle was too hard to pull, they'd all get irritated with me for not letting them get out fast enough.

One day, I told her that I didn't want to do it.  She leaned up real close to my face and said, "If you don't do it, I'm going to stick a needle in your tongue!"  Friggin meanie!  I was so scared, looking at this crazy fifth grade bully who had big hair and pretty eyes.  I bet she became a friggin cheerleader too.

Anyway, Ben the bus driver, heard this and said, "Hey, get your ass to the back of the bus!  I'm not letting you bully other kids here.  I'm telling your parents what you just did."  He was my hero!  I felt like such a baby, hating to be rescued, but I felt as if he saved my life!  I never had any problems from that girl after that.

I watched as Sean sat in the grass playing with Buzz, smiling with his cheeks still tearstreaked.  I thought to myself, the world needs more people like that little girl.  We need more parents teaching their kids to stand up for others.  And we need to stand up for others more ourselves. Can you imagine what kind of world we'd live in if we stood up for people more often?  If we stood up for what was right?  If a little girl can stand up for a toddler, it tells me that we were born to love.  If she could recognize at the age of 8 that there was a need to stand up for someone else, then it tells me that everyone has that kind of courage inside of us.   I pray that when it's time for me to stand up for someone else, I will find in me what that little girl found in her and become a voice against hurtful actions.

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Taking Leave

I had this dream last night.  Are you ready for it?  Here I go....

I was watching the next Toy Story movie.  In it, Buzz Lightyear kept breaking.  His leg broke, then someone fixed it.  Then he actually broke in half.  Some sad music was playing in the background.  The movie went on to depict the slow but sure wear and tear of poor Buzz.  Then, he eventually died.  And I was sad.

If you're a parent, single or not, you are going to have moments of just insane wear and tear on YOU. Acknowledge this and prepare for it by making plans for breaks.  A good friend of mine once told me to spend at least one day every other week just on me.  However, if you're like me and you can't afford the time you end up getting burnt out. 

When I woke up from this dream I realized I need a vacation!  Like a full week with just some ME time.  I think dreaming of and actually feeling sad about a cartoon dilema is enough to tell me I have not been taking any time out for myself and am feeling surrounded by kids.  In my dream I believe Buzz represented me!!  It was me who was experiencing all that wear and tear.  That's why I was so sad about it.

I put in my request for leave and it was approved... for next week.  Yay!  The majority of the leave will be spent catching up on housework-- mopping floors, shampooing carpets, laundry and dusting.  I also want to clean my car inside and out.  I know, I know.  What kind of vacation is that?  But trust me, having the time to do these things without being distracted by the kids will be such a blessing.

Also I'm completely broke right now so I don't have money for pampering.  However, I have a perfectly good massage pad on my chair, a nice garden tub in my bathroom, packets of Aveeno oatmeal baths, cool pedicure stuff and music.  I will have a spa at home!!

So, all you moms out there, make sure you take your breaks!

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The Single Military Mom Dilema

Being a single mom is tough enough when it comes to dating.  First, you gotta keep the guy outta your family until your relationship with him has proven to be solid after time.  Second, your choice in men might not only have changed for you but you have to realize that you have baggage that not many men are up to accepting.  Kids are frightening to single men!  Stepping into a family is a huge deal and it takes a special kind of guy to want to do it.  With both those obvious dating challenges being mentioned, think about the single mom who's in the military.  That's another huge chunk of baggage.

Being a single military mom doesn't only involve dragging kids to the base daycare at 4am for an exercise or bringing them to work with you when you get called in on a day off and you don't have a sitter.  There are deployments, short tour assignments to overseas bases and long assignments that can keep you at the next place for at least 4 years.  So dating comes with the understanding that you may not be at that particular location for as long as you might like.  It means that if you're deeply into the person you're dating and you get orders to another base, you are faced with a dilema.

I leave for my new assignment in two months.  I will be leaving behind Patrick.  We've been dating for quite some time; long enough for him to be there during all the cool and not-so-cool changes in my kids.  Long enough to learn what irritates us about each other and what completely woos us about each other.  We're currently friggin heartbroken about my departure. 

Although I am excited about the new assignment and being near my brothers, I am really really sad about leaving Patrick.  I've come up with all these ideas like leaving the kids with my brothers every other month for a week and flying to visit him.  Or Skyping with him.  Or writing (not emailing but handwriting) letters for some old fashioned romantic fun.  I've dreamt up all sorts of cool ideas that'll help make our distance tolerable.  But at the end of the day when the kids are asleep and it's just the two of us on the phone, I can't help but hang up with him because I don't want him to hear me cry.  I'm sad.  I don't want to leave him. 

I knew from the beginning that this time would eventually come.  We both knew.  We've talked about it and sometimes one of us would randomly bring up the "what if" question.  So it wasn't a surprise.  But the knowledge and understanding of him dating a military girl and me dating as a military girl didn't stop us from actually falling in a little too deep for military comfort.  The military doesn't stop people from dating.  Jeez, in fact people in the military date more than anything with the size of our population and constant opportunities to meet new people.  But it does have the expectation of commitment.

I've served my country for 10.5 years.  That's a long time and I've grown to love it.  The military and I have had a relationship that has been through so many changes and over time those changes only feed my commitment to it.  In the beginning, I swore I wouldn't reenlist.  I've gone from being a know-it-all young girl to a salty supervisor who's seen enough to know a lot but not enough to claim anything but experience.  Through my years I've learned that of all the things that are pounded into us, commitment is the one solid thing that is expected and with it I will succeed not only as a military member but as a woman, a mom and one day a wife.  That's because commitment isn't just about the military, it's about us individually.

When we deploy, we rely on commitment to keep our families strong and full of integrity.  Spouses that cheat on each other are good examples of that lack of commitment to each other.  When we date, we understand that because we are in the military our relationship isn't going to be in the lead.  The military will move you to another location one day.  Or maybe your work days will change to midshift while your girlfriend is a 9-5 worker.  You'll have to go on a temporary duty for a couple of weeks to another state.  There are tons of things that call us to duty and it makes dating challenging.  All the time.

So Patrick and I are currently sitting in this challenge.  I don't know how it's going to pan out.  If I could lead our relationship, I'd do it with the "We can do it" mentality.  I'm all for making it work.  Our relationship has been pretty darn solid and I believe it has great potential to turn into more.  I truly would grab Patrick by the hand and drag him (not literally or anything) through this relationship saying, "Babe we can do it.  This ain't a thing."  But I can't.  There are two of us in the relationship.  I can certainly display that optimistic attitude about it but if there's a fraction of doubt in his mind, it'll totally just kill our chances.  So I don't know what will happen. 

This is definitely not a fun Single Military Mom challenge.

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