Unconditional Love

Although this story didn't happen today and it didn't even happen yesterday, it happened on a day I least expected it so I thought it would be appropriate to label it under the "Daily Goodness" topic.  I'll have to give you a little bit of a history by starting in the past and ending in the "daily goodness."


When I was married to my kids' dad (I'll call him X), I always had little suspicions that he was cheating on me.  His phone would buzz at 2am and he would crawl quietly out of bed and head to the computer.  I'd go and check on him and immediately the sites on the monitor would be minimized and he'd give me the innocent look and tell me he was just looking at "xyz" online and couldn't sleep.  Sometimes he'd leave in the middle of the night.  Anyway, long story short I just had too many little clues and no proof. 


While married to him, I was never a perfect wife.  But I tried hard.  If we disagreed about something, I always tried to maintain a calm disposition and keep my emotions to a minimum.  I always made sure I laid my thoughts out politely and with logic as my structure.  I tried to be fair.  He resorted to name calling and insults and of course when he pushed too far into the right buttons, I would retaliate with emotion.  And I will admit that there have been a few times (I can count the number on one hand) that I lost my cool.  But for the most part, I tried to be a good wife.  When I became a Christian a few years into the marriage, I learned to strive to continue to be a good wife and a good representative of God to my husband despite the difficulties.


So, while I had these suspicions, I kind of used them as motivators to try harder.  I figured if I was a great wife, he'd want me instead of whomever he was turning to.  I tried to cover all the bases: no nagging, be supportive, be sexually cool, treat him the way I wanted to be treated, etc.


But I never had proof and finally I just learned to live with it and continue to try harder anyway.


Well, when I left him the judge allowed him to call the kids.  So I used one of his cell phones for the calls.  One day, our toddler was playing with the phone and had accessed the messages section.  I took the phone away, afraid he might send a message.  After clearing out the jibberish he had typed, the screen went to the "sent" box.  In the sent box was a list of previews of sent messages.  This caught my attention because a few of them started very sexual and were to a number that was not mine.


To sum it all up, I found these messages several months after I had left him.  They confirmed that he was cheating.  And I sat at the steps of the staircase crying.  Not because I wanted him back but because after all those years I got resolution to my suspicions.  And because I was hurt and angry that despite my best efforts to be a good partner, I could not "make" him stay faithful to me.  I felt betrayed and embarrassed and just heartbroken that I loved someone and he didn't love me back.


As I sat there with my face in my hands, my toddler came and sat beside me.  He said, "Oh Mommy, you sad?"


And I wiped my face and nodded my head and said, "Yes, honey.  Mommy's sad."


So he took my face in his hands and wiped my tears and said, "Don't be sad, Mommy."

Looking into this innocent child's eyes and seeing nothing but the purest love, Agape love, I knew that the truest form of love will come in the palms of caring hands from someone who sees your pain and wipes your tears and holds your face with empathy in their eyes.


My heart was lifted immediately and I hugged him tight.  "I love you soooo much," I told him.


"I wuv you too!" He said.


That was the last time I cried for something sad and the first time I truly realized that love doesn't have to come from a lover to be true.  And that although my heart was broken by someone, there is so much beauty in things that are right in front of my face that I can't possibly allow myself to dwell in any sadness.

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Cinderella!

My kids are the sweetest people in my world.  Of course, like all kids, they have the capability of driving me a little nuts at times.  But they make me smile, laugh, grin, and remember what it was like to walk in innocence.  They amaze me every day.

One day, I was folding laundry in my bedroom while my boys "helped".  While hanging some blouses up, I came across a summer dress that I got at a thrift store.  Just for fun, I slipped into it and let my hair down.  Immediately, my older son's eyes grew wide and a grin formed onto his face and he said, "Oh Mommy!  Cinderella!"  And he took my hands in his and said, "Let's dance, Cinderella!"

Just then I felt like the prettiest girl in the world.  I laughed and danced with him to no music but our own.  Ahh.  I love my little guys.

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Strong Little Boy

When I left X, my older son (I'll call him Caden) was about two and my younger son (Sean) was three months old.  Little guys.  Throughout the months following our departure, I would wonder if I was putting them through too much.  I felt truly ashamed for dragging them through such rough changes.  But I would remind myself that I was doing it to save them.

The night we left, I packed a gym bag of our clothes, a plastic bag of baby bottles, and a bag of diapers.  I had no where to go, so I took the kids to my office to think.  I called a women's shelter and was told that once I got there, I'd have to stay for a full forty-eight hours and couldn't leave until after.  I wanted to be able to see my victim advocate before the weekend, so I decided to try to find a place to stay for the night.

I dragged the kids to Wal Mart at ten at night because I didn't remember to bring any formula for Sean.  After that, I waited in line at a cheap hotel to see if they had any space.  My arms were full with Sean and the bags.  Caden was busy getting into everything a toddler could possibly manage and I was in and out of the line, trying to keep him from causing too much trouble.

Our room was a far walk from the parking lot.  I had Sean in my arms, the gym bag, the bottle bag, and the diaper bag.  Caden wanted to help, so I gave him the bottle bag.  As we walked, I'd keep my eye on Caden to make sure he was keeping up.  I was tired.  I was scared.  My arms ached and I had a migraine.  I wanted to just get to the room.  I found myself getting ahead of Caden and had to stop to wait for him.

Halfway to the room, I stopped and turned to wait for Caden and my heart dropped.

There he was, a two year old little kid, standing with a plastic bag almost as big as he was.  He had the biggest frown on his face and his eyes looked so heavy.  It was almost midnight.  He looked up at me, dropped the plastic bag and said, "I tired Mommy."

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I knelt down in front of him, setting the bags down.  "We're almost there, honey," I said.  I gave him a hug and kissed his cheek.  "We're almost there, okay?"

He nodded, the frown still on his face, and picked up the plastic bag.  "Come on," I said, trying to sound reassuring.  He said "Okay" and contined to walk with me.

During the next several months, they'd changed daycares, saw their dad on supervised visitations, moved to a different house, and went through more changes that I knew were stressful for them.  And my heart still breaks when I think of that frown and the little voice that said, "I tired Mommy." 

I pray every time I think of it that God will continue to bless us and to always guide me to making the right decisions for them.  I don't ever want to have to run again, dragging two innocent little kids with me.  Every decision I make that involves a change for them will always be made after remembering that frown.

I pray that I will always keep my eyes on God so that I would make the decision He wants me to make.

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What the World has Seen

I got this in an e-mail from a friend today. I think it deserves to be given out. It is beautiful.
_____________________________________

Ladies - below is an a poem by a young woman named Katie. Her husband was stationed here but he returned back to the states when Katie took her life. Her husband, who shall remain anonymous, sent me Katie's poem (he discovered it after her death) and asked me to share with it with as many people as possible. Please feel free to send this out to anyone you wish. The husband has given us his consent. I found the poem moving and even caught glimpses of myself.

What the World has Seen
I've been told I was "invincible,"
Also, I "Manipulate."
Yet some have even declared
that I was their "Soul-Mate."
It's been said that I'm "Mysterious,"
and then a "Prophetess."
When a butterfly landed on me,
I was told I that I "Was Blessed."
"The Epitome of a Great Girl"
was written long ago.
It has since been retracted,
yet I've been told that my "Eyes Glow."
"Selfish, Cold and Heartless,"
but then "Sincere and True,"
And when things fall to pieces,
I've been told that I was "The Glue."
I was once called "Miss Diamond"
after "A Diamond in the Rough."
Though said that I'm "Pathetic,"
I have since been told I'm "Tough."
"Guardian Angel, Guardian Devil,"
and a "Ghetto Superstar."
I'm "Overly Opinionated"
and "Unusual" and "Bizarre."
A reverend with moral lacking,
once referred to me,
as "The Light of the Lighthouse,"
and declared my spirit "Free."
I used to be called "Darlin,"
but I became a "Trophy Wife."
And though I've been a "Genius,"
I'm also a "Wasted Life."
A joke was once apologized for
due to the presence of "A Lady."
My company just laughed and said,
"You just don't know Katie."
I've been called a "Crazy Bitch"
I've been called a "Whore."
And to those who've tried,
I'm "Impossible to Ignore."
"I'm always nice unless provoked."
Yet I "Deceive and Lie."
Those who don't know me well
have even referred to me as "Shy."
"You cannot knock her out."
Though I've nearly been defeated.
Even through my "Brick Wall,"
I've still let myself mistreated.
I may just be "Difficult to Love,"
But I've also been witty.
And to some I have been
"Consumed by my Self-Pity."
I've been called "An Oracle,"
I've been called "A Trip."
I've been called "White Trash,"
And I've been called "Unfit."
If I'm "Difficult to Love,"
how am I "A Warrior for my Cause."
I've been told I'm "Perfect,"
As well as "All my Flaws."
Some say that I am "Scrappy,"
but defend those who "Need it Most."
I've been called "A Gypsy,"
And I've been called "A Ghost."
But sometimes I wonder,
If maybe one was able to see clearer,
if I am nothing but their own,
"Reflection in a Mirror."

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Can't We Go Back Home?

I have many days when I feel like I need some “me” time.  I want the kids to stay at a friend’s house, I want to be in the house by myself, I want to be able to do grocery shopping alone, or I just want to sleep!  Each waking minute that I’m not at work is spent wiping spills, changing a diaper, picking up toys, kissing boo-boo’s, vacuuming the carpet, budgeting, chopping onions, and so much more.  It gets exhausting.  And one can understand why the single mom wants some “me” time.

But today is different.  I dropped my youngest son off in his daycare room and watched as he grinned and quickly hunted down his teacher.  She grinned and scooped him up, returning his outstretched “hug me” arms.  Every day before today, he cried if I even bent down to put him on the floor so I could sign him in.  Not today.  He didn’t even glance over his shoulder to see if I was still there.

I held Caden’s hand as we walked down the long hall to his “big boy” class room.  As we walked, he pointed out the fish tank and said his goodbyes.  This is the second week he hasn’t been screaming to get back into the car.  I smiled down at him and said, “Do you want to do the choo-choo train?”  He grinned up at me and said, “Yeah!”  and immediately started taking quick, short, choppy steps.  “All aboard!!”  We started our train regime and laughed ourselves to the classroom.

As he passed the threshold, his mouth formed a small frown and he stretched his arms out in front of me for a hug.  I scooped him up and said, “I love you,” as I carried him to his teacher. 

Mrs. Paula smiled and said, “Good morning Caden, go put up your jacket and bag please.”  This was always the hard part.  He always cried when it was time to go.  But not today.  He was still quite sad.  I saw his eyes tear up.  But he didn’t whine.  Instead he walked away and started undoing his jacket.  I took that as the perfect opportunity to say goodbye and head out. 

As I walked down the hall, I glanced through the glass window at him and watched as he hung his jacket up in his cubby.  My heart hung heavily in my chest.

Today is the day I want to call in sick and take the boys back home for a big breakfast and have some family time.  I guess I’m just a little sad about being at work instead.

I think I’m going to have a dedicated “us” time on Friday nights. 

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Money-Smart: Credit

So, I’ve been really working hard at getting money-smart. 2010 is my Financial Power year, meaning I will gain power over my money. My biggest “obsession” lately has been budgeting. Being the sole bread winner in a house of children and animals can be heavy on the wallet. But with lots of self control and determination, we single moms can survive financially!

Many of us find it far easier to just look the other way when we’re spending money.  At the end of the pay period, we’re desperate for the next check. But we don’t have to cringe each time our bills pop up. Someone once said, “It is far greater to predict and prevent rather than react and defend.” You know what bills are due each month. You know when you get paid and you know how much money you are bringing in. I’ve had to totally come face-to-face with my money and myself! I found a great budgeting spreadsheet to help me focus on being aware of what I was spending and how much is too much.

Okay, I’m putting my January budget in plain view for anyone to see. Now remember, we are still in the second week of January—we aren’t even halfway through yet! But already I see where I’ve overspent. (Now, now, before you get on to me—My dog needed a vet visit. These things happen.)

Anyway, check out what I am using and try to do something similar for yourself. Control your spending! Know what you’re doing with your money and prevent instead of react!

Bills	Budget	Actual	Difference ($)
ADT	$ 31.02	$ 31.02	$ -
Auto Loan	$ 603.90		$ (604)
Insurance	$ 123.00	$ 123.00	$ -
Cell Phone	$ 120.00	$ 120.00	$ -
Credit Card	$ 39.00		$ (39)
Day Care	$ 816.00	$ 400.22	(416)
Credit Report	$ 15.00		(15)
NetFlix	$ 15.00	$ 15.00	-
Necessities & Other	Budget	Actual	Difference ($)
Fuel	$ 85.00	$ 51.02	$ (34)
Food	$ 150.00	$ 144.42	(6)
Diapers	$ 45.00	$ 14.47	(31)
Soymilk	$ 18.00	$ 8.58	(9)
Ronin's Milk	$ 16.00	$ 7.62	(8)
Wipes	$ 30.00	$ 8.47	(22)
Pet Care	$ 45.00	$ 117.50	73
Kids Clothing	$ 20.00		(20)
Home Supplies	$ 50.00	$ 5.00	(45)
Kids Supplies	$ 30.00	$ 2.14	(28)
Other	$ 50.00	$ 17.71	(32)
Bank Charges	$ 6.00	$ 3.00	(3)
Total Expenses	Budget	Actual	Difference ($)
	$ 2,352	$ 1,113	$ (1,239)

My bank, USAA, offers so much great advice that I wanted to share some with you. Below is an excerpt from the Advice Center of USAA Federal Savings Bank.

Q:  I have several credit cards that are paid off. Will it help or hurt my credit score to close them?

A:  It depends on how much debt you are carrying on all your credit cards combined. Each credit card provides a line of credit to offset any debt carried on the others. By closing one, you reduce the total line of credit to help your overall ratio of credit used, to credit available to use. Ensure that your total credit card debt does not exceed 35% of your total credit available. For example, if you have $10,000 in credit available make sure you owe $3,500 or less.

The ideal would be to pay off all of your debt and then keep two or three major credit cards including one that shows the longest credit history. Make a list of all other cards you want to close. Keeping that debt to credit limit ratio in mind, close them in order of newest to oldest, at a rate of one to two per year, and never within six months of a major purchase like a car or home. Obtain a free credit report once a year at annualcreditreport.com.

While in the process of closing your credit card accounts, use any non-merchant cards such as Visa, MasterCard, Discover or American Express to make one purchase each month and then pay the balances off in full. This will keep the cards active, and good payment histories accumulating on your credit report. Payment history accounts for a whopping 35% of your credit score.

Stop saying "yes" to store credit cards for promotional discounts. They undermine the percentage of your score that is attributed to the length of time you have had accounts plus new inquiries also negatively impact your score. Finally, most merchant cards have high interest rates. If you don't pay the balances off in full those promotional discounts cost you in the long run.

Also, check out this really helpful website to find out What's real and what's a scam.
Sources:
https://www.usaa.com/inet/ent_utils/McStaticPages?key=advice_QandAs_Debt_Webinar&offerName=prihome_advice_QandAs_Debt_Webinar

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Too Many Toys!

Every parent experiences the land of toys in their home. Over time, these little critters crawl through our front doors in forms of gifts, donations, garage sales, or hand-me-downs. And they never leave! So many of us moms think, "Aww, but Aunt Jenny sent that for Sam's first birthday. I can't throw it away." Well, we don't have to! Moms, don't throw toys away. There are plenty of ways to reduce the mountain of childhood clutter and noise-makers.
If you really feel like your child will never play with certain things again (infant key rings and outgrown bicycles, etc.), please donate these to your local Salvation Army or Goodwill. There are so many families in need and they could certainly use some toys for the little ones.
Another way of getting these things out of your house is to do a garage sale! Make some lemonade or hot cocoa (whichever the weather influences you) and let the kids sell them for five cents a cup. Kids love feeling needed and they adore the sense of ownership they'll gain from being given responsibilities. Let them help you put price tags on your items. If they're way too young for that, get another mom to hang out with her kid(s) so they can play while you manage your sale.
If you aren't into or just don't have the time for garage sales, you can take pictures of your items and post them in online classified ads. Craigslist.org is a popular website or you can google your city and see if you can find an online yardsale site for it.
A parenting coach taught me something new just recently. She said to box up half of the toy collection and put the box in your garage, attic, or wherever the kids won't normally go snooping around. After a month, have the kids open the box and watch them grin at all the "new" toys they have! Make sure to box up the other toys that you left out a month ago. Rotate the toys every month. This will not only keep your home neater, but it will keep your kids from getting too bored with the toys they already have. Plus-- you can save a little money on toys. :) Do it as often as you like.
J Shine

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The Little Things

You know, sometimes it's the little things that can make a bad day get ten times better.
This morning was absolutely stressful. I was running late. The kids were being uncooperative, feeding off of my tension I guess. Caden was just not wanting anything to do with listening to Mommy. He wanted a diaper (he's been potty trained for maybe a month or two now) and Sean wouldn't stop rolling while I was trying to change his diaper. Then Sean wanted to follow me everywhere, whining the entire way. Caden didn't want to put his pants on- he wanted to watch Harry Potter.
The dogs both ran out from my backyard through the hole they dug under the fence. When they finally came back, they tracked black mud through my carpet and when they decided to shake their coats dry, black mud splattered the walls.
I forgot to take my meds last night so my head was ringing with a headache.
When I finally got to work, I put on my make up and felt a little better. Then. A phone call comes in, my coworker telling me that my superintendent didn't feel like answering the phones and wants me to work at his building to come do it. WTF!!!!
So it's pouring rain. I'm low on fuel and do not have anymore room in my budget for it. But now I have to use even more gas just to get to a workplace where some lazy ass doesn't feel like stepping up and answering phones. Should I also make him some damn coffee and wipe his ass for him?
I decided that for the first time, I want to have a cigarette in the morning. Normally, I'll have one at lunch. MAYBE even one at night after the kids are asleep. It's just an indulgence. Not a habit. It doesn't control me. But today. Today I wanted one in the morning. I really hate the smell of cigarettes. Especially when it's on my clothes. It's disgusting. I smoke the grape flavored ones so it's not that bad. But still. I didn't care.
So I put on my great big jacket with the hoodie on it. And I realize as it's pouring out. I am wearing my ex's jacket!!! We have the exact same jacket and we both used ours for rainy days. I guess during the move, I accidentally packed it thinking it was mine.
So somewhere his poor non-childsupport-paying-constantly-lying-narcissistic ass is walking around without his precious jacket. You know, I always avoid thinking negative thoughts of him. Anytime I'm strapped for cash and having to ask family for diaper or formula money, I refrain from talking or even thinking badly about him. But today, just knowing that I caused him to be jacket-less and not even on purpose, it just made me smile. I was giggling about it for just a couple of minutes and then had to tell myself that I can only be evil for a short while.
I guess sometimes you just need a teeny bit of wickedness to lift your mood.
J.Shine

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Stocks?

Okay, I have absolutely no clue about stocks, marketing, CD’s, or any other investment type of … thing. I am a complete ditz when it comes to this stuff. But I’ve been thinking, a friend of mine just told me he’s thinking of cashing in some stocks. Instead of taking out a loan to get a building done up for his business, he wants to cash in stocks? Why does that phrase, “cash in stocks” sound so damn appealing to me? Where are these stocks and how can I cash them in too?

I realized that I am way behind in the financial world. Actually I’m not even behind. I’m nonexistent!! I’m a pee-on! I need to get my head outta my ass and find out what I need to do in order to secure my and my kids’ futures financially! I mean, what if I was forced out of my job for some reason? I don’t even have a credit card I can use because the one I do have is max’d out due to bills and groceries! Wow, I am in some trouble or at least heading down the wrong path.

So I’ve decided I am going to take some time as often as I can to learn about the stock market. It’s boring as hell and I remember watching Trading Places (with Eddie Murphy) and not having a clue what the hell it was really about. It was funny and entertaining, but I felt really stupid. So other than studying for promotion (please God, keep me focused), I will be studying for even more money. Maybe in order to keep me faithful to this, I’ll have to come back and write about what I’ve learned so far. That’s what I”ll do. I’ll try to make it as fun and interesting as I possibly can. Even though it’ll be pretty tough. I’m not looking forward to it at all. But I am interested in making money.

If you have any tips for me, please please PLEASE share them! Oh! Before I forget, I did find a website that might help me and whoever else is even slightly interested in learning about this stuff. The article is titled Introduction to Stocks 101.

I guess I have some learning to do. I’ll let you know how it’s coming.

Love,

JS

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Dreams, Passions, the Desire

I was chatting with my friend Patrick last week and our conversation sparked an intense inspiration in me that I haven't felt in so long! It was about dreams, passion, desire, sacrifices, etc. It isn't about love, well of course love would be included along the way. It is about US, our lives and our goals- our dreams.

He has been reading a chapter in a book, focusing on Desire. He said that in it, he learned that many people dream but not many have the desire to reach the dream. Here are the questions he asked me, to kind of light the inspirational fire and of course ignite an intriguing conversation. I love intellectual conversations. Okay, okay, here are the questions that he asked me and I now ask YOU:

1. What are your dreams?
2. Do you have the desire to make those dreams a reality?
3. What will you give up in order to make that happen?
4. What happens when you finally reach that dream? What's next?
5. How do you know if it's the right dream?

These are all incredibly wise questions and I felt they deserved well-examined answers. Here are my thoughts:
Yes, many of us dream and not many have the desire to reach them. And not all dreams are the right ones, therefore not all are worth the sacrifices. But I believe that if one finds within themselves their skills, talents, and passions then they will be able to dream the right dream and if they have the desire, they can reach the dream. If it is the right dream, it will be worth the sacrifices. And if it is the right dream, there will be no "what next" because the dream gives back-- not to ourselves but to others. And we will keep dreaming and keep reaching and serving and inspiring others to find their own purpose in life. That is my belief.

When people are asked "What are your dreams?" you always hear the common answers: "I want to be a millionaire," "I want to fly a plane," "I want..." I want, I want, I want. I think that to dream the right dream, you first have to discover what God has planted inside you. What are your skills? What are your passions? And the even bigger question- what do the people need from you? What do you have to give the world? You don't have to adopt a child or start a caucus or anything. But you should look deep inside and find out what is pulling at your heart. Many people who were abused as children work at their healing and then go on to reaching out to others who have suffered the same pain. Many people who now run domestic violence shelters, work as doctors, or even artists, give back to the world through their own healing. You'll know your dream is the right dream if it is tugging at your heart and soul, and involves impacting the world in a positive way even if not in a big way.

Someone once told me that there is only one difference between people who dream big dreams and people who do big things-- action. Do you have the desire to make your dream become a reality? Talk is cheap and only good for entertainment. If all you want to do is dream, that's completely your right and your prerogative. But I ask you, what kind of life are you living if it is not a purposeful one? Find out what it takes to reach your dream. Are you willing to do it? If not, ask yourself why not? Don't make excuses, give a valid answer.
What will you give up to make your dreams become a reality? As a single mother, I know it's hard to juggle school and work, life, children, and all the things in-between. But I don't ever plan on using my kids as a reason to stop pursuing my education. And you shouldn't either. Nothing puts a more negative impact on your child's self esteem than letting them know that they caused you to stop your life. Instead, you should be leading an example for them! Even if you can only take one class a year and spend the rest of the year reading books. Do something that keeps you on the path to fulfilling your dreams! Stepping stones may be small, but they lead you somewhere. Let your children see you working to attain your goals. This tells them that life is important and valuable!

What happens when you finally reach your dream? Once you "get there," keep on dreaming and work for OTHERS instead. This is where you are most purposeful. When you finally reach your dream and think you're done, you have failed! What a waste it is to believe you've fulfilled your purpose and you're still alive! LOL Seriously, once you believe you have reached that position, it is time to give to others if you haven't already. Make your dream serve others, humans and animals alike.

How do you know if it's the right dream? This is just my opinion and it may make sense only to me but I believe it. It is the right dream and it is worth the sacrifices if you've reached that last paragraph above and finish til the last sentence and implement it.

Happy dreaming, everyone.

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