So I spent many moments today just looking at the pictures my brother posted on Facebook. I usually try to stay away from there because I get sad seeing updates. I feel a little twinge of jealousy that other people are able to hug and kiss them and I'm not. One pic was of my sis-in-law laying on the couch with my Sean asleep on her chest. I wanted that to be me so bad. It has been five months since I've held my babies. Five months. That's more than half my pregnancy with either of them.
I feel a little guilty because I never asked what they were going to be for Halloween. Sometimes my way of dealing with things is to not deal with them. It's not a good method. In fact, John is pretty good at reminding me that I've got to deal with them. But knowing that someone else got to pick out their costumes, dress them up, and see them enjoy being something else, just breaks my heart. So I never asked. And when I went onto FB today, I saw how much I'm missing.
My kids were such cuties for Halloween. Sean was Scooby Doo and Caden was a boxer. They were so adorable. I kept looking at their faces. I guess I figure if I look at them long enough, I can feel them on my skin, smell them, hug them. Be with them. And I know what a good friend will tell me-- I'm with them in spirit. But I just wish I was there with them now!
I guess a good way of thinking about it is: That's one holiday down. Only three more to go. I'll miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year. And their birthdays. :-(
While talking about it with me tonight, Kyle said, "I thought you said you'd do another 6 months out here if you could." And I would. I'd sacrifice another 6 months if it meant I'd get the debt paid off and save up some money so that when I finally get home, we wouldn't have to scrounge for change just trying to make it to the next paycheck. But I'd be miserable without them, too.
Tonight, when I go to bed, I'm going to look at their pictures one more time and pray for them. I miss them so much.
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